187 today. Shouldnt have surprised me---Ive been sliding down the
slippery slope. It's my mind. I have a long standing, cyclic depression
thing, any way...and the news about my gums, losing a bunch of teeth,
getting a partial plate....kicked up a lot of "stuff". (getting old,
gonna die, no point, any way, my life is over and Im just measuring
Time, who cares if an old toothless broad is fat, life is a disease with
a poor prognosis, we all wither and croak, my best years are behind me
an the rest to come will be a downhill slide toward the Void...I'll die
alone and with luck somebody will discover my mouldering corpse before
my dogs starve..... nothing matters.....you get the idea.
It's my mind. lOL, ive been here before---it aint new territory. The
worst thing about depression is, all this [censored] sounds TRUE when i
hear my mind say it. I sometimes dont even realize Im depressed---it
feels like Ive stumbled into real Truth and any ideas I might have had
previously about life being fun or rewarding or that losing weight
matters were the Lies...and the Truth is, life sucks and everything is a
pointless endeavor with no purpose but to fill the time, which is
dwindling uncontrollably, anyway...
As i read these words, my objective mind knows, "That's the sound of a
depressed mind, blathering doom and gloom." That alone is progress,
believe it or not. To begin to remember that Im in pretty good health,
have no money problems, a paid-for house, some dogs who depend on me and
a few good friends is progress. When Im deep in the Hole, I cant even
remember the good stuff.
So.....Im feeling better enough to be able to grab hold a little,
LOL....and begin the climb back up from the Hole.
Anyway, that's where Ive been the last two, three weeks, but things are
looking up and Im ready to get back on the stick. The "point" is...well,
ME. There may or may not be a "point", universally. I am the "point". I
am the one it matters to.
LassChance~
5-16-05 202/182/162