"RicodJour" <
[email protected]> wrote...
>
> Two things:
> - I always thought you were a lot uglier.
> - If the older girl is your daughter, you are hanging out on the wrong
> newsgroup. Try alt.guns - skip the small weaponry and go right for
> the assault weapons. Make it a point to invite any prospective
> boyfriends in for a tour of your gun collection. "Do you know _why_
> they're called assault rifles, Timmy...?"
I always have the application and Ten simple Rules for Dating my Daughter
close at hand:
Application for Permission to Date my Daughter
Note: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by
a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical
report from your doctor. Please be prepared to submit additional
information like a psychological profile and polygraph test as required.
Name: ____________________________
Date of Birth: ____________________
Height: ________ Weight: ________ IQ: ________ GPA: _________
Social Insurance Number: ________________
Driver's License Number: _____________
Boy Scout Rank: __________
Home Address: __________________
City/Province: ____________
Postal Code: _______
Phone number of everyone you know: ________________________________________
Do you have at least one MALE and one FEMALE parent: _______
If NO, explain: ____________________________________________
How fast can you run 40 yards? __________
How fast can you run two miles? __________
Do you own a van? ________! ____________
A truck with oversized tires? _____________
A waterbed? ________
Do you have an earring? __________
Nose ring? _________
Belly button ring? ______________
Tattoo? ____________
If YES to any of these questions, discontinue application and leave the
premises!!!!!
In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you?
In 50 words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER mean to you?
In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?
Church you attend: ________________________
How often do you attend? _________________
When would be the best time to interview your father, mother and minister?
__________
Answer by filling in the blanks; please answer freely. All answers will be
confidential. (That means I won't tell anyone.)
If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want to be wounded is:
______________________________________________________________________
If I were beaten, the last bone I would want to be broken is my:
_______________________________________________________________________
A woman's place is in the __________________________________________________
The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:
________________________________________________________________________
In the unfortunate event of my untimely death, I would like _______________
to be contacted.
My greatest fear is:
________________________________________________________
When I first meet a girl, the one thing I notice about her first is her:
_________________
(Note: If the answer to the question begins with B, discontinue and leave
the premises - keeping head low and running in a serpentine fashion.)
What do you want to be IF you grow up?
______________________________________
Have you ever been arrested? __________
Have you ever been fingerprinted? __________
Had a DNA sample taken?: ________________
Ever have to stay after school?
Your dentist is: _________________
Emergency phone number: _________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST
OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE TORTURE,
CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, AND RED HOT POKERS.
_________________________________________
Signature (that means sign your name)
Note: After submitting your application please allow 4-6 years for
processing.
Read On
Ten Simple Rules For Dating My Daughter:
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk, you'd better be delivering a package,
because you're sure not picking up anything.
Rule Two:
Do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as
you do not gaze at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or
hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear
their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips.
Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are
complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open-minded about this issue,
so I propose this compromise: you may come to the door with your underwear
showing and your pants way too big, and I will not verbally object.
However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off
during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my heavy-duty
electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your
waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a
"barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes
to sex, I am the barrier, and I will definitely kill you.
Rule Five:
Current thinking is that in order for you and me to get to know each other,
we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please
do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of
when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only
words I need from you on this subject are "early" and "Sir.”
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with opportunities to date other
girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter.
Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to
date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I
will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, do not
sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be
dating my daughter. She is putting on her makeup, or whatever, a process
that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just
standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in
my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places
where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool - places
where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight - places that
are dark or poorly lit - places where there is dancing, holding hands, or
excessive happiness - places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to
induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything
other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her
throat - movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme. Hockey games are
okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not ever lie to me. I may appear to be a middle-aged, dim-witted
has-been, but on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing,
merciless god of your universe. Your lungs will continue to draw a breath
of life only as long as you humor me. If I ask you where you are going and
with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and
nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind
the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be VERY afraid! Some fear in your young life can save much
turmoil and pain. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your
car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy. When my Post
Traumatic Stress Disorder starts kicking in, the malevolent voices in my
head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my
daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway, you should exit your
car with both hands in plain sight. Note the camouflaged face at the window
is mine. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you
have brought my daughter home safely AND early, and then return to your
car - there is no need for you to come inside.
That will be all - you are dismissed.
--
JF
