TROLL FAQs

"LoGo USA" <[email hidden]> wrote in message
news:[email hidden]...

Quoted message said:

Hey gang -

It often happens that some good thing comes from even
a terrible disaster. When the TROLL began cross-posting
to RBM, I noticed that they periodically post FAQs for
their group. I thought it might be a good idea to do
something like that here at ARBR, at least to prepare
newbies to deal with our most prevalent problem.
Herewith: the TROLL FAQs, beginning at the beginning:

[...]

Way too long. No one will read it. Hells Bells, not even I will read it.
Like I said, way too long.

Were you born this stupid or did you have to work at it? Now at least the
group knows how lucky they are to have me for a foil and not some moron like
you. You need to read ARBR and RBM on a regular basis to know that it is
just chock full nothing but one-liners. Even Mr. Sherman does not go on and
on anymore.

Stop with the meth, the cocaine and the heroin. I recommend that you take up
vino. It is not nearly so destructive and you will retain come contact with
the common run of men. Anyone who posts a long message to Usenet is for sure
an idiot of the first rank. If you had had the brains you were born with you
would have posted your message in small segments. That way others would read
you, at least for awhile. But let's face it, you do not wear well on this
group. You quickly become tiresome in the extreme.

You are the troll and a stalker besides. You combine the worst of both in
one person. Congratulations! That takes talent and, unfortunately, the only
talent you have.

As to MY cross-posting, it makes sense since there is not much happening
here on ARBR anymore. When there is more here, I will stop doing it.
However, others should not cross-post, most particularly NYC, as they do not
have the brains for it.

Regards,

Ed Dolan the Great - Minnesota
aka
Saint Edward the Great - Order of the Perpetual Sorrows - Minnesota

"LoGo USA" <[email hidden]> wrote in message
news:[email hidden]...

Quoted message said:

Hey gang -

[...]

Blah, blah, blah...

Why have you used all capital letters for your subject heading? Don't you
know that when you capitalize everything nothing stands out (besides it
being an eyesore). I am surprised that someone who has some sense of the
language could make such an elementary mistake. This is unforgivable and I
will hold it against you to the grave and beyond.

I will only comment on any who are foolish enough to have read you and who
have then posted their reaction. Your messages are no longer worth directly
responding to since you do not have the sense God gave you to keep them
reasonably short. However, I am convinced that no one will read your
flatulence. There is no one left on this group except one-liners. That is
all Mr. Sherman ever does anymore too. Did we not have a thread on that
subject recently?

If any of you idiots, morons and imbeciles would like to know how long your
messages should be, all you ever have to do is emulate (copy) the Great Ed
Dolan. I do it right and the rest of you do it wrong. Most of you are way
too short and only blockheads like Wayne Leggett are way too long. For
heaven's sake, what is so difficult about getting your messages to the right
length!

Regards,

Ed Dolan the Great - Minnesota
aka
Saint Edward the Great - Order of the Perpetual Sorrows - Minnesota

LoGo USA said:

Hey gang -

It often happens that some good thing comes from even
a terrible disaster. When the TROLL began cross-posting
to RBM, I noticed that they periodically post FAQs for
their group. I thought it might be a good idea to do
something like that here at ARBR, at least to prepare
newbies to deal with our most prevalent problem.
Herewith: the TROLL FAQs, beginning at the beginning:

Q: Just before the TROLL was born, his mom had
gained around 30 pounds, with a hugely distended
lower abdomen. He claims that this was the result
of an immaculate conception. What's the much more
plausible explanation?
A: Constipation.

Q: When their sons are born, most mothers mumble
something like "Give him to me," and begin nursing.
What did the TROLL's mother say?
A: "NO NO - PLEASE DON'T FLUSH IT!"

Q: Did the TROLL have a fairly normal life before he
began posting at ARBR?
A: Yes, except for going directly from prepubescence
to senility, totally skipping both adolescence and
maturity.

Q: Which brings us to the present, right?
A: Yes, we're in the present; unfortunately the TROLL
still seems to be stuck somewhere around 1957.

Q: Hmm-mm-mm... well, be that as it may, what are your
best suggestions for relating to the TROLL on ARBR?
A: Don't read it, don't heed it, don't feed it, don't
breed it.

Q: Okay-y-y, let's get into some pertinent personal info
for the TROLL. Does he prefer a natural or synthetic
chamois for cycling?
A: Depends...

Q: Why does the TROLL have such a large helmet size? Is
it because of his large brain or his huge ego?
A: Constipation.

Q: Why does the TROLL prefer to walk rather than riding?
A: It's faster.

Q: Why do the brakes never wear out on the TROLL's bikes
and trikes?
A: Who needs brakes when he's going 5 MPH?

Q: What does the TROLL call it when he's going 10 MPH?
A: Sprinting.

Q: What does the TROLL call it when he's going 15 MPH?
A: Terrifying.

Q: What is the proper scientific term for the inevitably
tragic result of the TROLL going 15 MPH?
A: Natural selection.

Q: Does the TROLL perform his own repairs?
A: No, we're trying to get him to a psychiatrist.

Q: No, no, I mean does he fix his bike, you know, flats
and stuff like that?
A: Unless a friend offers to help him.

Q: So that's - to use the TROLL's inimitable style -
always, positively ever, without exception, right?
A: Absolutely never were truer words spoken, in any
language, anywhere in the entire universe.

Q: I've heard that the TROLL can't inflate a Presta tube
by mouth to shape it before putting it back into the
tire when changing a flat; why's that?
A: The TROLL sucks.

Q: Okay, enough about his cycling habits...
A: Yeah, a typical ARBR reader has probably already spent
more time on these FAQs than the TROLL spent on a bike
last year.

Q: Well, anyway, what's he like as a person?
A: As a person, he's like a TROLL. As a TROLL, he's like
a bad TROLL. As a bad TROLL, he's...

Q: No, I mean to whom would you compare him?
A: Oh. Well, for his speed on a trike, his grasp of
technical issues, his reading and writing skills, I
guess my two-year-old granddaughter, maybe.

Q: But his personality?
A: About like hers in the middle of a tantrum, I'd say,
but after a little bit of warm milk and a short nap,
she's all cute and cuddly again.

Q: Would you say the TROLL is ever cute and cuddly?
A: Would you say a Tasmanian Devil would make a good
lapdog?

Q: I'm asking the questions here; you're supposed to be
answering them. But that's a good topic; what animal
comes to your mind when you think of the TROLL?
A: A TROLL.

Q: No, no. I mean a real animal.
A: Oh. A solitary lobo, a cast-out pariah of the pack,
pathetically old, lame, mangy, ticks and worms,
missing some teeth, starving - but constipated.

Q: Ugh! That's an ugly picture you're painting...
A: It's not a painting; that's a photograph.

Q: Well, okay, what fruit is the TROLL most like?
A: A moldy, desiccated prune.

Q: Vegetable?
A: Raw artichoke.

Q: Any other type of plant material? And let's try to
get back to cycling here...
A: A goathead thorn.

Q: Okay, that does it for animal and vegetable; how about
mineral?
A: The frayed end of a derailleur cable.

Q: Alright. Now in human terms, can you give us a couple
of quick phrases to tell us what the TROLL is like?
A: Alzheimer's disease; Tourette's syndrome.

Q: Oh, come on; there must be some expression that brings
to mind pleasant thoughts about the TROLL. Isn't there
at least one single word?
A: Well, yes: goodbye.

Q: Okay, we get the idea. Of course the TROLL is said to
have a bit of an overblown ego; but that's usually a
front, often an artificial defense for a shy person
who's unsure of himself. So... once you get past the
TROLL's ego, what is his personality really like?
A:

Q: Didn't you forget to type in that last answer?
A: No.

Q: The TROLL has chosen a life of celibacy...
A: Who says he had a choice?

Q: My questions, remember. Anyway, some romantics believe
there's a one and only one someone for everyone; if
that's true, then the woman (presumably) the Fates
intended for him must have spent her life alone or
with another man. What will she say at the end of all
things when she realizes that she could have shared
her earthly existence and sex life with the TROLL
instead?
A: Thank you, Jesus.

Q: Well, yes, of course - the TROLL does have a bit of a
reputation for neglecting personal hygiene; but hey,
everyone has some minimal standard, some clue that
serves as a reminder for him to finally take a bath
or shower. What does it for the TROLL?
A: His cats start kicking kitty litter on him.

Q: Okay, I can see why you contend that the TROLL is not
exactly number one on the must invite list to a party,
but isn't a little harsh to call him a TROLL? He
alternates between insisting he isn't and that he is
a 'good' TROLL. Shouldn't we believe an individual who
claims immaculate conception, sainthood and maybe
even godhood?
A: Well...

Q: Never mind; I see your point. But would anyone so well
known, with such fame and recognition blatantly tell a
bald-faced lie that he knows no sensible person could
possibly believe?
A: The phrases "I was doing everything that I possibly
could to get the girl out of the car... There is no
truth whatever to the widely circulated suspicions
of immoral conduct... Nor was I driving under the
influence of liquor" and "I did not have sexual
relations with that woman" come to mind.

Q: But in this case - I mean, isn't there some real
possibility of confusion in terminology or definition?
A: I think that only very liberal contributors to the
ACLU are allowed to use the 'it depends on what the
meaning of is is' defense.

Q: Okay, so-o-o... well, anyway the TROLL's here on this
newsgroup even though readers are pretty adamant that
he leave. How many supporters do you think he has in
the group?
A: There was one, but the TROLL had that fool for lunch
last week.

Q: But again, the TROLL insists he is the mainstay of the
newsgroup, and claims he's posted more than 6000
messages.
A: Well, some of those he claims were actually posted by
his archnemesis, and another bunch were one-liners
which he has since defined as non-messages. Plus a lot
of his messages have been directly contradicted by
newer posts - e.g., he has said he's not a TROLL, then
that he's a good TROLL, then that there's no such
thing as a TROLL. That pretty much cancels out all
three of those messages; don't you think?

Q: Yeah, but still: 6000+?
A: No, actually, if you read through the archives, I
think you'll see that it's more like only 40 to 50
messages, each of which has been posted 100 to 200
times with fairly trivial variations. Some ARBR
readers believe the TROLL has an old DOS-based
scripted database program that sends the same replies
over and over again, using keywords plucked from the
original posting along with variable terms and phrases
randomly inserted from a simple flatfile. For example,
compare these two messages, pretty typical of the
TROLL's work:

Old Fred wrote: "Pedaling uphill is harder." Old Fred
is not only an Alabaman, but also a vegetarian. All
Alabamans have ever been scurrilous weasels, and
vegetarian Alabamans are the absolute worst. He is
probably also a closet existentialist. I, Edgar
Colon the Colossal Contaminant, have spent my entire
life excoriating vile existentialists, and I fervently
hope that global warming will scourge Old Fred and all
other Alabaman existentialists from the face of the
earth.

nget wrote: "I am a married tadpole rider." nget is
not only an Eskimo, but also a top-poster. All Eskimos
have ever been moronic scoundrels, and top-poster
Eskimos are the infinitely worst. He is probably also
a closet prognosticator. I, Edgar Colon the Supremely
Senseless, have spent my entire life antagonizing
asinine prognosticators and I sincerely pray that a
plague of locusts will purge nget and all other Eskimo
prognosticators from the surface of the planet.

Q: Oh. I see what you mean, but still, the TROLL must
surely have - as he has so often claimed - served as
some kind of inspiration for this group.
A: Well, in all fairness, I believe he has spawned at
least one adage: A day without a post by the TROLL is
like a summer evening without your neighbors' damned
dogs barking all night long.

Q: But doesn't longevity count for something? I mean,
he's been here quite awhile now, a good long spell...
A: [Snicker - snicker - snicker]

Q: What are you snickering about?
A: That's the first time I've ever seen the words 'good'
and 'spell' used in the same sentence about the TROLL.

Q: Oh yeah, I've heard he has a bit of a problem with
most common compound words, like 'foot ball'. How
does the TROLL usually spell them?
A: Wrong.

Q: Well, thanks. That's most of my questions for now.
Are there any other suggestions you'd like to share
for a new ARBR reader to prepare him for 'engaging'
the TROLL?
A: Two: Prozac and a Taser.

Please let me know if you think this list needs to be
expanded and/or reposted at periodic intervals. After
all, as we all now know, "repetition is of the essence".

Regards,
Wayne

Have been waiting or someone to explain Edward the Grape. Now I think I understand, he is either neo-troll, or a true troll with an identity crisis. Thanks for the post, very clever and informative. Explains why this forum is mostly dead.

"Hull 697" <[email hidden]> wrote in message
news:[email hidden]...

Quoted message said:

LoGo USA said:

Hey gang -

[...]

Blah, blah, blah ...

Quoted message said:

Have been waiting or someone to explain Edward the Grape. Now I think
I understand, he is either neo-troll, or a true troll with an identity
crisis. Thanks for the post, very clever and informative. Explains why
this forum is mostly dead.

Hull 697

Good Grief! You posted the whole freaking thing again! And you actually
plowed though it! Apparently the 697 after your Hull is an indication that
you are good for a long haul. Well, if you can read Wayne Leggett, then you
can refresh yourself with the Great Ed Dolan afterwards. It will be like a
virgin spring after his cesspool.

I still have not read any of it. Why? Because it is too g.d. long, that is
why. Anyone doltish enough to post to a newsgroup something that long does
not deserve to have it read by anyone, certainly not by the Great Ed Dolan.
Folks like Hull of the numbers are like donkeys. They can be lead to read
anything regardless of length.

If and when Wayne Leggett wants me to read anything of his, he will have to
keep it to a readable length. Anything longer than 3 or 4 medium size
paragraphs is an imposition on the reader. The Great Ed Dolan, unlike Hull
of the numbers, will never allow himself to be imposed upon.

Regards,

Ed Dolan the Great - Minnesota
aka
Saint Edward the Great - Order of the Perpetual Sorrows - Minnesota

Hull 697 said:

Have been waiting or someone to explain Edward the Grape. Now I think
I understand, he is either neo-troll, or a true troll with an identity
crisis. Thanks for the post, very clever and informative. Explains why
this forum is mostly dead.

He is indeed a troll. And, unfortunatly, appears to have some serious
mental issues. Ideally, he'd get help, but that's not likely to happen.

Could you please learn to snip so we don't have to scroll all the way
through the previous post just to see that you agree?

Pat in TX

"Pat in TX" <[email hidden]> wrote in message
news:[email hidden]...

Quoted message said:

Could you please learn to snip so we don't have to scroll all the way
through the previous post just to see that you agree?

Pat in TX

I have been trying to coral these idiots on ARBR for years now. It is an
unending task and a thankless one. There is only one person in a hundred who
has the necessary brains to know how to edit a post so that it makes some
sense to the next reader.

Regards,

Ed Dolan the Great - Minnesota
aka
Saint Edward the Great - Order of the Perpetual Sorrows - Minnesota

"Rich" <[email hidden]> wrote in message
news:[email hidden]...

Quoted message said:

Hull 697 said:

Have been waiting or someone to explain Edward the Grape. Now I think
I understand, he is either neo-troll, or a true troll with an identity
crisis. Thanks for the post, very clever and informative. Explains why
this forum is mostly dead.

He is indeed a troll. And, unfortunatly, appears to have some serious
mental issues. Ideally, he'd get help, but that's not likely to happen.

The only person here with a mental issue is Wayne Leggett, the Poet of ARBR.
I refuse to read his long-winded crapola. Not only is he a long-winded bore,
but he is a stalker besides. The only time he posts to a newsgroup is to
comment on me. Now I ask you, who has the mental illness?

Of course I don't entirely blame him for this as I am a person worth reading
and commenting on. However, if he wants me to read him, he will have to
learn to get his posts down to a readable length. As I said before, I will
not be imposed upon, most especially by my inferiors such as him. My
Greatness will not permit it.

Regards,

Ed Dolan the Great - Minnesota
aka
Saint Edward the Great - Order of the Perpetual Sorrows - Minnesota

Good Grief! You posted the whole freaking thing again!

Yes, Grape. Just to get your goat. It worked. You will note that I did not top post. I find that confusing, however, it is not a cause for a multiple paragraph insulting rant on someone who may well be new to forums.

"Hull 697" <[email hidden]> wrote in message
news:[email hidden]...

Edward Dolan said:

*Good Grief! You posted the whole freaking thing again! *

Yes, Grape. Just to get your goat. It worked. You will note that I
did not top post. I find that confusing, however, it is not a cause
for a multiple paragraph insulting rant on someone who may well be new
to forums.

There is one of two things to be done about top posters. You can either
instruct them in the correct way to post, or you can just call them an idiot
and let it go at that. Most who top post know full well that what they are
doing is wrong, but they don't give a damn about the reader and or about how
messed up the thread gets. All they care about is their own convenience. So
I treat them the same way they treat others. [censored] for tat you know!

The one thing you are doing wrong is you are not attributing who is saying
what. Note how I have inserted at the top of this post , "Edward Dolan
wrote". This is necessary so that the reader will know who is saying what.
Please remember to do this in the future so I won't have to call you an
idiot.

Regards,

Ed Dolan the Great - Minnesota
aka
Saint Edward the Great - Order of the Perpetual Sorrows - Minnesota

"LoGo USA" <[email hidden]> wrote in message
news:[email hidden]...

All top posters are idiots!

Anyone who does not attribute or make a proper reference is doubly an idiot!

Quoted message said:

Hey again guys -

Thanks for the comments so far - most (appropriately)
by private email. A few follow-up Q&As:

Sure, Wayne Leggett is no doubt getting hundreds of private emails. Yeah,
sure - and Ed Dolan is getting emails from President Bush asking for his
advice on how to run the world. And some say Wayne Leggett has no sense of
humor!

Quoted message said:

Q: Why are we posting more TROLL FAQs when the TROLL
insists that he didn't read the initial list?
A: Well, the point of this thread is not that the TROLL
reads it, but that it entertains those who enjoy his
humiliation. Anyway, he still managed seven replies to
this thread (so far) even if he didn't read it, which
has almost surely saved a few on-topic threads from
his contamination. Plus, hey, given the TROLL's level
of reading comprehension, what difference does it make
if he looks it over or not?

Do not post long-winded messages on Usenet. It marks you as an idiot. I have
a very short attention span, especially when it comes to idiots like you. So
if you want me to read what you have to say, keep it short.

Quoted message said:

Q: I do the questions, remember? You do the answers. But
can we assume you're pointing out the TROLL's mistake
in stating that the title of the thread was in all
caps, when in fact it contains a lower case 's'?
A: Well, that's pretty typical of ol' super-reader, I
guess. BTW, I'm on pretty intimate terms with the
originator of the thread, and I think I should briefly
point out that we consider TROLL to be an acronym -
with way too many deliciously insulting alternatives
to ever settle on only one. FAQ is of course a common
computer abbreviation...

No one knows what you talking about above. I urge you to get off the dope.
It is scrambling your brains.

Quoted message said:

Q: In this case, short for 'fractiously accurate quips'
or 'flaming an aging queen'?
A: The former, of course; we'd never seriously accuse
the TROLL of homosexuality; that would be grossly
unfair...

[...]

Here is Wayne Leggett tiptoeing up to his favorite topic - sex and [censored] sex
at that. He will soon get around to the anus as that is his second favorite
topic. When he writes verse, he devotes himself to these two most favorite
things of his. Just nothing but ass and sex, ass and sex, ass and sex ...

Well, screw the rest of him all the way to Hell and back. Like always, he is
long-winded and has the peculiar knack of never saying anything. But he just
plain smells bad. If you are in the sewer like he is, you might want to read
him. But I can only dip in the sewer ever so briefly. I cannot wallow in it
like he does.

Regards,

Ed Dolan the Great - Minnesota
aka
Saint Edward the Great - Order of the Perpetual Sorrows - Minnesota

LoGo USA said:

...
A: Classic 'Anna Nicole Smith Syndrome': way, way, way
too much [censored] for a tiny tad of tat... [NOTE TO TOM:
In this specific instance, links to documentary
photographs are probably not required.]

Not that I have any links handy - I always found Ms. Smith's face to be
unattractive, and never cared for the "stripper look" of the rest of
her.

--
Tom Sherman

"Johnny Sunset aka Tom Sherman" <[email hidden]> wrote in message
news:[email hidden]...

Quoted message said:

LoGo USA said:

...
A: Classic 'Anna Nicole Smith Syndrome': way, way, way
too much [censored] for a tiny tad of tat... [NOTE TO TOM:
In this specific instance, links to documentary
photographs are probably not required.]

Not that I have any links handy - I always found Ms. Smith's face to be
unattractive, and never cared for the "stripper look" of the rest of
her.

I know not this Anna Smith, but I suspect that only redounds to my eternal
credit if Wayne Leggett (a total scum bucket) and Mr. Sherman do know her.
Yea, my essential Greatness remains intact! I truly am a mighty fortress.

By the way, if Mr. Sherman is looking for an attractive woman, I give him
the very young Leslie Caron singing Hi-Lili, Hi-Lo in the movie Lili (1953).
That is as cute as it is possible for a girl ever to get.

Regards,

Ed Dolan the Great - Minnesota
aka
Saint Edward the Great - Order of the Perpetual Sorrows - Minnesota