So you suck at cycling,now what?

LOL. jdog... [img]cyclingforums.combiggrin.gifOpen ↗[/img] (and also very useful advice... [img]cyclingforums.comcool.gifOpen ↗[/img])

My excuse is : " [font=Arial]I am training for a tri and you need a little visceral fat to make the 2 mile ocean swim.... I am using the Samuel Adams training guide." [/font][img]runnersworld.comwhistle.gifOpen ↗[/img]

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jhuskey said:

Ok, you have been training for a while now, maybe not as hard as you should have, you always have a few too many brews on the weekend and Ben and Jerry seem to always show up accidentily in your shopping cart .
It is now time for you to do that long group ride and or race. You know that you are going to suck at it but it is too late to drop out now.
Here are a few suggestions.

Show up with several bandages on you arms and legs to simulate injuries, that way others may not expect so much from you but respect that you are not a quitter.
Have someone come by just before start time and announce loudly that your Grandmother has just died.
You can now ride slowly and people will be glad to encourage you and drag your sorry a** till the end.

For you sprinters start an altercation with another rider just before the sprint. You may get a blackeye but at least you will come across as firecracker as opposed to a poser.

Say you are on a climb and you are seeing spots and just about to pass out,
shift gears and pedal backwards. This should drop your chain and give you the chance to recover and also give you a good reason to be dropped. If this is not sufficient, drop your chain again. At this point you have good reason to curse and fling your bike into the weeds.
Now stomp around for a few moments while the feeling comes back to your. legs an head.

If none of this will apply to your lack of ability just wear a jersey soaked with fake sweat and drive to the finish for the celebration party and hope nobody notices you were not in any of the groups otherwise just take up golf and ride around in a cart all day.

Aslo please add any "suck at cycling" suggestion you may think helpful.

Fill your knicks with sturdy lengths of tree branch. Excellent for assisting your fellow racers to brake into corners, particularly when tossed into their front wheels.Handy in sprints and while they're in your knicks you'll be a big(ger) hit with the Ladies.
I never leave home without a stick, and I've carried a few home in my mouth, particularly when the Little Woman is feelin' a bit frisky.

While racing motorcycles,we used to switch the fuel tap off and ruefully claim a 'mechanical' just to avoid the ignominious last place.
If you're really sneaky,like jhuskey, you could also turn off everybody else's fuel taps.
And if you are really rotten(like me), you could start a thread about the the Good Old Days, and how we used to put oil on our tyres before racing on a wet road...to displace the water...... because you just know someone is bound to try it 😄 😄 😄
There's still plenty of carnage to be wrought. 🙂

[font=Comic Sans MS]my motto[/font]

jhuskey said:

Ok, you have been training for a while now, maybe not as hard as you should have, you always have a few too many brews on the weekend and Ben and Jerry seem to always show up accidentily in your shopping cart .
It is now time for you to do that long group ride and or race. You know that you are going to suck at it but it is too late to drop out now.
Here are a few suggestions.

Show up with several bandages on you arms and legs to simulate injuries, that way others may not expect so much from you but respect that you are not a quitter.
Have someone come by just before start time and announce loudly that your Grandmother has just died.
You can now ride slowly and people will be glad to encourage you and drag your sorry a** till the end.

For you sprinters start an altercation with another rider just before the sprint. You may get a blackeye but at least you will come across as firecracker as opposed to a poser.

Say you are on a climb and you are seeing spots and just about to pass out,
shift gears and pedal backwards. This should drop your chain and give you the chance to recover and also give you a good reason to be dropped. If this is not sufficient, drop your chain again. At this point you have good reason to curse and fling your bike into the weeds.
Now stomp around for a few moments while the feeling comes back to your. legs an head.

If none of this will apply to your lack of ability just wear a jersey soaked with fake sweat and drive to the finish for the celebration party and hope nobody notices you were not in any of the groups otherwise just take up golf and ride around in a cart all day.

Aslo please add any "suck at cycling" suggestion you may think helpful.

You could do what I did. Start riding at the back of the ladies peleton, eventually find a demanding woman to work you out and arrive home genuinely sweaty after each ride; Which is just about as good as competing fiercely with the men.

Otherwise the only alternative which takes just as much out of you is to travel down the long slow cancer path. I wouldn't that recommend to anybody however.

Just compete with yourself and remember that your getting old.

Kind regards,

James Bruce Gil said:

You could do what I did. Start riding at the back of the ladies peleton, eventually find a demanding woman to work you out and arrive home genuinely sweaty after each ride; Which is just about as good as competing fiercely with the men.

Otherwise the only alternative which takes just as much out of you is to travel down the long slow cancer path. I wouldn't that recommend to anybody however.

Just compete with yourself and remember that your getting old.

Kind regards,

Good to know you are stll around. I can remember we were conversing 4 years ago on election night.
Let me know what is going on in your life.

jhuskey said:

Ok, you have been training for a while now, maybe not as hard as you should have, you always have a few too many brews on the weekend and Ben and Jerry seem to always show up accidentily in your shopping cart .
It is now time for you to do that long group ride and or race. You know that you are going to suck at it but it is too late to drop out now.
Here are a few suggestions.

Show up with several bandages on you arms and legs to simulate injuries, that way others may not expect so much from you but respect that you are not a quitter.
Have someone come by just before start time and announce loudly that your Grandmother has just died.
You can now ride slowly and people will be glad to encourage you and drag your sorry a** till the end.

For you sprinters start an altercation with another rider just before the sprint. You may get a blackeye but at least you will come across as firecracker as opposed to a poser.

Say you are on a climb and you are seeing spots and just about to pass out,
shift gears and pedal backwards. This should drop your chain and give you the chance to recover and also give you a good reason to be dropped. If this is not sufficient, drop your chain again. At this point you have good reason to curse and fling your bike into the weeds.
Now stomp around for a few moments while the feeling comes back to your. legs an head.

If none of this will apply to your lack of ability just wear a jersey soaked with fake sweat and drive to the finish for the celebration party and hope nobody notices you were not in any of the groups otherwise just take up golf and ride around in a cart all day.

Aslo please add any "suck at cycling" suggestion you may think helpful.

Wish I would have had this advice years ago. It would have saved me so much time and envery. I love built in excusess.

Brian Friend

Actually skip the race, but show up. Drink some more brew after the race and tell everyone you are preparing for the 'big' race and this one interfered with your training schedule... 😉

After two failed races, 1st one - crashed and was pulled out after a free lap, 2nd - ended up last place / both Citizen races, but maybe there were CAT 2's or 1's in there - I gave up on racing. Then I still wonder why I buy a decked out 2006 CF Cervelo Soloist Team with Zipp 404s - just had to have my speed machine / "Ferrari." Then it's embarrasing to start the season working out on it and having a 15 mph avg workout.

So now I'm just a commuter biker. My treasure is my low weight, I like to keep it at 145 lbs but I'm overweight this year at 150 lbs. Still fast enough without much training that I can cruise 17 to 20 mph towing a Burley Nomad in no wind.

jhuskey said:

Good to know you are stll around. I can remember we were conversing 4 years ago on election night.
Let me know what is going on in your life.

Huskey,

I have retired for health reasons but am hanging on. I have been on three trips this year but its becoming more and more difficult.

Things have got a little grim recently since my aged father (to turn 85 on the 14 th of December) has had a mild stroke. He is on a hospital 3 1/2 hours away so it has become time consuming to visit him.

Enough of my whinges; How will a Democrat in the White House appeal? Is it more satisfactory than the status quo?

I would have to say he (Obama) is an impressive figure. Somehow its a shame he is a politician since I think his talents will be stymied a little like Clinton's were, although the US Senate is now in a better state for a Democrat President than it was then.

Kind regards,

jhuskey said:

.....otherwise just take up golf and ride around in a cart all day.

Please Mr Huskey, no swearing on the forum.

😉

wheelist said:

Please Mr Huskey, no swearing on the forum.

😉

Sorry, sometime when I drink I lose all control.

Lol How can anyone suck any cycling? I guess its a joke saying that you show up with bandages pretending to have injuries. Do people actually do that? I guess I've seen people come up with all kinds of excuses to get out of other things.
Fling your bike in the weeds. Must of had a ton of problems that just keep happening. Lol Oh you were drinking. Well a drunk post will do it every time.

Fortunately, I don't suck at cycling. I may not be a professional cyclist or the fastest rider out there, but I've got pretty good stamina. I can ride very long distances without getting tired and can keep up with the rest of the pack. I won't ever win a race, but I'll get a decent position and enjoy sipping my coffee while other cyclists are still battling it out.