OK - do you have children? Would you let them ride a bike without a helmet?
If you wouldn't, what are you trying to say?
For the record, my kids have always ridden bikes. They have always worn
helmets. They just see it as perfectly normal, and it has not put them off.
And yes, all three have fallen off at times and on at least 4 occasions have
had serious damage to the helmet.
From: "Richard Bates" <[email hidden]>
Subject: Private Members Bill
Date: 16 May 2004 10:18
In a similar vein to the Walking Helmets article in the BMJ(?) but
even more daft^H^H^H^H vital.
Pursuant to Section 14.4.5, subsection 12.5, paragraph 14c, held
within the blah blah waffle waffle safety of children act waffle, I
hereby declare my intent to present to the house a number of child
safety initiatives which will be effective in promoting th welfare of
children in the UK.
1) Children shall be banned from taking physical exercise at school
since excessive exercise will make the obese children have heart
attacks.
2) Children playing or walking near water will be required to be
wearing life jackets at all times. This includes circumstances when
children are in a private garden which contains a fish pond. Please
note also that it will apply when taking a bath or a shower (see 3).
3) Due to the risk of children slipping in the shower, they will be
required to sit down (this is sometimes known as "having a bath"😉, and
shall also be wearing shower-helmets. Unfortunately they will be
unable to wash their hair since I intend to ban ventilation holes in
the helmets due to the risk of scalp scalds (see 4).
4) Children shall no longer be able to shower in hot water. Shower
supplies must be cold water only, and it shall be illegal to install a
water heater in series with the water supply (also known as a "power
shower"😉.
5) Children using sharp implementrs such as knives, craft blades,
scissors, compasses (compi?), pencils and fountain pens will be
required to wear protective gloves. Due to the unfortunate effect of
now being unable to write by hand, all children will be forced to use
computers for all alpha-numeric based communication. Parents who at
home, allow their children to engage in alpha-numeric communication
without buying them a computer will be subject to prosecution.
5a) It is understood that the banning of knives will have a serious
impact on children wishing to eat school meals. It will therefore be
necessary to ban all such foods requiring the use of canteen cutlery.
Suitable foods will be items such as beefburgers. See also (12).
6) Children will no longer be allowed to climb stairs due to the risk
of gravitational accident. Parents must either relocate to bungalows
(government ministers affected by this will be entitled to a
relocation allowance), reorganise their homes so that children no
longer need to climb stairs, or install a stairlift (see 7).
7) I intend to make it illegal for children to use stairlifts
(including enclosed elevators) unless they are wearing a suitabale
helmet.
8) Children under the age of 16 may not cross the road unsupervised.
Walking helmets will be compulsary. Roads which are of a width greater
than 10m, roads which are a designated bus route, and all roads which
allow cars to travel on them will be completely out of bounds for
child pedestrians. Children wishing to cross such a road must do so in
the safety of a motor vehicle (this is sometimes know as "doing a
three-point-turn).
9) Children wishing to read books must do so for only 10 minutes a
week in order to prevent eye-strain. Books will be replaced by the
much preferred television, which due to the increased distance of
viewing, will reduce in much lower eye-strain injuries.
10) Parents who wish to allow their children to play in their own
gardens must first of all have their premises inspected by Child
Recreation Analysis Personnel. Dangerous devices such as those relying
on a fulcrum or simple harmonic motion for pleasure will be banned.
Gravity-challenge frames will be subject to a maximum height of 0.5m
11) All ball games will be banned due to the risk of head injury from
an air-filled sphere. The preferrable computer simulation will be
deemed a safer alternative.
12) Vegetables will be banned since they grow in the ground and are
obviously dirty.
Final note: I understand that the above meausres may seem over the
top. But we have to think of the children. As a financial assistance
to the above measures, all parents will be issued with 2 rolls of
cotton wool per child per year.
Yours sincerely, Eric Martlew.
--
Young Musician of the Year 2004 was a fiddle