"Today, sadly, Mr. Liggett broke the terms of that agreement. When
David
Zabriskie had his unfortunate accident today, Phil failed for 40
seconds
to put it in the context of whether this would impact Lance Armstrong
or
whether Lance Armstrong would would have fallen, or asking what Lance
Armstrong must be thinking about this accident right that moment."
When reached for comment, co-commentator Paul Sherwin said, "I had my
'Lance Stopwatch' going -- it's what we use to help remind us when
it's
time to mention Lance again." Continued Sherwin, "When Zabriskie fell,
Liggett started actually talking about how disastrous it was for the
rider, instead of -- as is proper -- talking about this would affect
Lance and how he would no doubt have words of advice on the proper way
to ride a bicycle for young Zabriskie. When twenty seconds elapsed, I
signaled to the timer. Then thirty seconds elapsed -- still no
mention,
so I made the sign of the Texas Longhorn, the code we use to signal
that
we need to immediately divert the conversation toward Armstrong. Still
nothing."
Visibly shaken, Sherwin finished, "After forty-five seconds, Phil
managed to bring the conversation back round to Armstrong, but by then
it was too late. OLN Security was knocking at the door, ready to
escort
Phil from the premises."
Interviewed in his hotel room in Paris, Liggett looked like a man who
has lost his best friend. "I'm a huge fan of Armstrong," said Liggett.
"I haven't pretended to be impartial for years. But between Bob Roll
and
that marionette Al Trautwig, our Armstrong-centricism seemed pretty
well
covered, and I suppose I briefly let my guard down. I wonder what
Lance
Armstrong thinks about that?" Then, realizing the habit of mentioning
Armstrong even when completely irrelevant was still with him, Liggett
briefly looked melancholy -- which is the British equivalent of an
American having a complete nervous breakdown.
OLN has moved swiftly to replace Liggett, putting former
color-commentator Al Trautwig in his spot. Said Trautwig regarding his
promotion, "Lance Armstrong. Lance Lance Lance Armstrong. Armstrong
Armstrong Lance Lance Lance Lance. Six-time Tour de France winner.
Lance
Armstrong Lance Armstrong, Lance Armstrong."
"This is going to work out just fine," said the OLN spokesperson.