July 05
News Flash: OLN Fires Phil Liggett
Failed to Meet Contractual Obligation to Mention Lance Armstrong Three Times
Per Minute, Sources Say
Paris, July 5 (Fat Cyclist News Service) - Outdoor Life Network today
severed its contract with Phil Liggett, a perennial favorite cycling
announcer both in England and in the United States. A spokesperson for
Outdoor Life Network said, "We regret having to let Phil go, but he knew the
terms of our agreement when he signed on. Namely, he is required to allude
to Lance Armstrong three times per minute, with at least one of those
mentions being by name. Most importantly, at no point in time shall forty
seconds ever elapse without a mention of Lance Armstrong."
"Today, sadly, Mr. Liggett broke the terms of that agreement. When David
Zabriskie had his unfortunate accident today, Phil failed for 40 seconds to
put it in the context of whether this would impact Lance Armstrong or
whether Lance Armstrong would would have fallen, or asking what Lance
Armstrong must be thinking about this accident right that moment."
When reached for comment, co-commentator Paul Sherwin said, "I had my 'Lance
Stopwatch' going -- it's what we use to help remind us when it's time to
mention Lance again.² Continued Sherwin, ³When Zabriskie fell, Liggett
started actually talking about how disastrous it was for the rider, instead
of -- as is proper -- talking about this would affect Lance and how he would
no doubt have words of advice on the proper way to ride a bicycle for young
Zabriskie. When twenty seconds elapsed, I signaled to the timer. Then thirty
seconds elapsed -- still no mention, so I made the sign of the Texas
Longhorn, the code we use to signal that we need to immediately divert the
conversation toward Armstrong. Still nothing.²
Visibly shaken, Sherwin finished, ³After forty-five seconds, Phil managed to
bring the conversation back round to Armstrong, but by then it was too late.
OLN Security was knocking at the door, ready to escort Phil from the
premises.²
Interviewed in his hotel room in Paris, Liggett looked like a man who has
lost his best friend. ³I¹m a huge fan of Armstrong,² said Liggett. ³I
haven¹t pretended to be impartial for years. But between Bob Roll and that
marionette Al Trautwig, our Armstrong-centricism seemed pretty well covered,
and I suppose I briefly let my guard down. I wonder what Lance Armstrong
thinks about that?² Then, realizing the habit of mentioning Armstrong even
when completely irrelevant was still with him, Liggett briefly looked
melancholy -- which is the British equivalent of an American having a
complete nervous breakdown.
OLN has moved swiftly to replace Liggett, putting former color-commentator
Al Trautwig in his spot. Said Trautwig regarding his promotion, ³Lance
Armstrong. Lance Lance Lance Armstrong. Armstrong Armstrong Lance Lance
Lance Lance. Six-time Tour de France winner. Lance Armstrong Lance
Armstrong, Lance Armstrong.²
³This is going to work out just fine,² said the OLN spokesperson.