[posted five years ago...TR]
That was a meal from He££.
We four (Spawn, Daughter-unit Alpha, Daughter-unit Beta and me)
went to a local pizza joint -- SWMBO was out wit' Da Grrlz --
since we'd had such a Smirfy day all day long.
We walked in and were immediately greeted by Gino Copperopolis,
owner of said pizza joint and all-round great man, like long-lost
family finally arrived from an incredible journey through the
wilds of our tiny burg.
I placed our order, the usual cheese pizza for them and the Greek
combo for me.
Gino asked that we sit down while he made our pizzas so we did.
After a stirring round of musical benches ("I don't wanna sit
there!" "I wanna sit there!"😉 I asked everyone what they'd like to
drink. I turned to Daughter-unit Alpha (D-uA) and asked her to get
two shakers; one of parm and one of pepper flakes. I then reminded
everyone (politely) to remain on their best behavior while I was
at the soda station.
Nodded heads and proper mumbling faked me out.
I turn, and with D-uA steered to the condiment collection, I
proceed to fill the glasses. I'm not as skilled as I once was
carrying filled beverage glasses, and since spilling isn't just
for kids anymore, I've learned that multiple trips save on my
embarrassment.
I turned away from the soda station to see Daughter-unit Beta
(D-uB) creating a snow scene that the Ice Queen would've been
proud of across the tabletop where we planned to eat.
"What. Are. You. Doing?" I whispered into her ear as I returned to
the table. She jumped, scattering more cheese. "Do you play like
this at home?" I asked again.
"No, daddy."
"Then why do I have to remind you that you don't here?"
"I dunno..."
"Go up to the counter. Ask for a towel and basin. You will clean
up this mess."
"Yes, daddy."
I turned to the remaining daughters-units. "Don't play with the
cheese. You don't at home. You don't when we go out. Was that
clear?" Nods of affirmation. D-uB came back with a towel and small
bowl and proceeded to clean up her blizzard of cheese. "Don't play
with the cheese again." I whispered into her ear. She ducked her
shoulders and nodded an affirmative.
I turn and go back to the drink station to fill the remaining two
glasses. I am gone no more than ten seconds when I hear, "Spawn!
Don't!"
Oh damndamndamn. I turn around to see Spawn, shaker of pepper
flakes firmly grasped with two hands piling it on the table (and
floor) in front of her. I take a deep breath and quickly walk back
to the table. "What do you think you're doing?"
"You no say dis!"
I clacked my teeth audibly shut. No, as a matter of fact, I hadn't
said, "Spawn, don't play with the pepper flakes." I hadn't thought
it necessary.
Alpha and Beta exchanged worried glances. Talking back isn't an
acceptable form of communication in Clan Ranger. There are
often... consequences... if one tries it at an importune moment.
Personal experience told them both this was such an inopportune
one.
"Do you normally play with your food? At the table? Or do you sit
at the table until the food's ready?"
"No."
"'No,' what?"
"No, I no play wi' my food. I sit 'n wait for my food."
"So... What are you doing here?"
"Playing."
I extended my hand. "Don't play with..." as the pepper flake
shaker was set into my palm, "this." I reached over for the towel
and bowl and wiped the table yet again. I brought bowl and towel
back to the counter, thanked Gino, and returned to my troupe of
clowns.
Waiting finally progressed nicely. The four of us talked about all
the things we'd done during the day, with the girls often
recapping each others' events in triplicate.
Suddenly Spawn's face contorted into the Silent Screaming Mask of
Utter Pain. I knew immediately what had happened. I picked her up,
and off to the bathroom we charged.
There are many things I could have done but only one that I did at
that moment. I turned the water on cold, a gentle flow, and stuck
her face under it. This action allowed me to wash the flake (a
very large one) out immediately. It [censored] her off royally though.
The Silent Scream immediately morphed into the Angry-[censored]-Off
Yell. The bathroom, a Spartan closet with auditorium sound
capabilities, sent her 110dB screech cascading throughout the
bathroom and out into the pizzeria. I didn't care how loudly she
blew her chords as long as I could keep her from rubbing her eye.
This prevention set another octave into the bathroom.
It took ten excruciatingly LONG minutes of washing, drying,
washing, drying, and then applying a wet paper towel before she
stopped yelling at me but it was worth it.
When I finished dabbing her eye, she once again tried to ram her
pepper-laced fingertips into her eyeball. I stopped that motion
and deftly moved them under the running water. Several flakes fell
into the basin. Their floating stopped her screaming and burbling
as she watched them circle the drain.
"When did you touch the peppers?"
"<sniffle> When you wipe up. I pinch 'em. I don' like'em."
"No. I would like them in my eyes, either. Let's take the pizza
home."
"Uh-huh."
[Damndamndamn]