I ride with an Ironman too. Change the tempo on him a lot, it makes 'em crazy😄
Right now most of the major magazines like VeloNews, Bicycling etc... have their "buyer's guides" out on the stands (web sites). You can look at a lot of machines in all kinds of price ranges and get some ideas. (Felt F75, Cannondale Synapse Alloy 2 etc..) Then you can go to the websites. My personal advice would be to find a new bike, probably steel or aluminum with maybe some carbon parts like seat stays and fork if you feel you must. I don't believe I personally would ever consider purchasing a bike before riding it myself, so if you don't live in an area with LBSs you like, consider a road-trip with your buddy. What could be more fun than that?
You're a big guy, so I would recommend putting the money into a machine with the best frame you can find, and then you can consider upgrading components later. I beat a lot of guys who were on carbon and Dura-ace with my $1200 105 bike when I first started racing. I have a lot of bikes now, but I still have that bike, and I ride it, and I still love it.
My main thought is that your initial query was about fit, and I do believe that is still the primary issue.