Longer rides not with husband?

"Claire Petersky" <[email hidden]> wrote in message
news:yV6yc.1963$zz.1825@attbi_s04...

Quoted message said:

My husband's in school these days, and this week and next
week are the end-of-the-quarter break.

There's some little Peterskys wandering around as well,
IIRC. Priorities abound.

Quoted message said:

A few weeks ago I had a sort of come-to-Jesus
conversation with him about how he needed to really use
the break to pour

on

Quoted message said:

the miles if he really wanted to do Flying Wheels and RSVP
with me. Like

30+

Quoted message said:

miles every day, to get himself up to where Flying Wheels
(much less RSVP) are conceivable.

Nagging (I mean encouraging) my spouse to ride has been a
dismal failure in my household. Your mileage may vary.

Quoted message said:

So, here are my choices:

That should be "our choices".

I'd say if he's interested in doing (b) the tandem 70, do
that. If not, then
(d) do what you want, and let him do what he wants. Evaluate
the RSVP ride afterwards.

In article <yV6yc.1963$zz.1825@attbi_s04>,

Claire Petersky said:

OK, here's the deal.

OK, I admit don't have the attention span right now to fully
comprehend the problem with which you are wrestling, but
here's how I intuit it:

When people list choices: a, b, c, and d, they usually go
from least to most desirable. And also, from least to most
guilt-ridden. So I figure your choice a) would leave you
least guilt-ridden, but also least personally fulfilled. In
the same vein, your choice d) would be the reverse.

So choice a) would leave you feeling ripped-off, while
choice d) would leave you feeling selfish. Either way you
lose enjoyment, so let's rule those out altogether. That
narrows your choices down to the (probable) in-between
compromises of b) and c).

If before the ride, your husband does anything that
especially endears you to him, pick b).

If he does anything that annoys you, pick c).

If he does neither, pick b-&-a-half (whatever that
might be).

Aw, to heck with it. Pick d) and make it up to him later.
Screw compromises. They never work as intended anyways.

cheers, Tom

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"Mike Kruger" <[email hidden]> wrote in message
"]news:[email hidden]...

Quoted message said:

"Claire Petersky" <[email hidden]> wrote in
message news:yV6yc.1963$zz.1825@attbi_s04...

Quoted message said:

My husband's in school these days, and this week and
next week are the end-of-the-quarter break.

There's some little Peterskys wandering around as well,
IIRC. Priorities abound.

Gotta talk to my mom about looking after the kids while
we're riding, thanks for reminding me. I've already
recruited them for RSVP.

Quoted message said:

That should be "our choices".

heh.

Quoted message said:

Evaluate the RSVP ride afterwards.

Yeah. One of my thoughts is that the kids will be in a drama
production the two weeks before RSVP, so he'll have another
opportunity to do extra riding, while they're in rehearsal.
He still has a chance of doing the necessary training.
August is still a ways off.

"Tom Keats" <[email hidden]> wrote in message
"]news:[email hidden]...

Quoted message said:

Aw, to heck with it. Pick d) and make it up to him later.
Screw compromises. They never work as intended anyways.

LOL!

I've been thinking about it, and the 70 mile tandem thing
sounds like the most fun. We just have to do one or two
longer rides on the thing so we both are more comfortable
with it as a possibility. I'll talk to him this evening, see
what he's thinking.

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Claire Petersky said:

Yeah. One of my thoughts is that the kids will be in a
drama production the two weeks before RSVP, so he'll have
another opportunity to do extra riding, while they're in
rehearsal. He still has a chance of doing the necessary
training. August is still a ways off.

August!? That's over 60 training days and 600miles!!
No problem.

-B Let us know how the ride goes, details, we want
details. ;-p

In article <yV6yc.1963$zz.1825@attbi_s04>, cpetersky@mouse-
potato.com says...

...

Quoted message said:

d. Just do the Flying Wheels full 100 mile loop, and not
worry about him at all. I have friends I can ride with,
let him register and get himself down there to ride,
even if it's later in the morning, if that's what he
wants to
do.

This is the option I'd recommend. He's a big boy and
should be able to take care of himself. Maybe it will be a
wakeup call for him to get on the stick for the bigger
ride later on.

....

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Another viewpoint:

I compromise (or downgrade) my riding when necessary order
to have the opportunity to ride together with my wife.

I cherish those moments. I don't always know just how many
more we will have. Things happen, and we are in our 60's.
They are more important to me than

Perhaps this does not apply to your situation??

Each marriage finds their own way. Good luck.

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rental condo)

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In article <[email hidden]>, David Kerber

ns_dkerber@ns_ids.net said:

Quoted message said:

d. Just do the Flying Wheels full 100 mile loop, and not
worry about him at all. I have friends I can ride
with, let him register and get himself down there to
ride, even if it's later in the morning, if that's
what he wants

to

Quoted message said:

do.

This is the option I'd recommend. He's a big boy and
should be able to take care of himself. Maybe it will be a
wakeup call for him to get on the stick for the bigger
ride later on.

I agree with this answer, Claire. Was the significant other
in a coma? I'm confident he knows the drill. Sometimes we
put off getting ready for an event because of outside
pressures or we don't really want to participate. Why not
provide support for you the first ride and then both
participate in the big one? I'm volunteering for a ultra-
marathon this weekend because I just didn't motivate myself
enough to prepare. It's minimal participation but it
alleviates some of the guilt by providing support for
unknown riders. By him providing support for your ride he is
recognizing your goals and giving him extra time to prepare
for the harder one.

On the road ahead the ride is good. Bill

Claire Petersky said:

OK, here's the deal.

Geeeeezzzz...get a life! Your husband doesn't have to be
what you want him to
be!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That's the
deal!

Do your thing and let him do his thing.

You must be a real control freak!

In article <[email hidden]>, brian-s-
[email hidden] says...

Quoted message said:

On Fri, 11 Jun 2004 00:20:46 GMT, "Claire Petersky" <cpetersky@mouse-

potato.com said:

OK, here's the deal.

Geeeeezzzz...get a life! Your husband doesn't have to be
what you want him to
be!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That's
the deal!

Do your thing and let him do his thing.

You must be a real control freak!

You must be new to these groups. If you had read much of
Claire's writing, you would know that she's anything *but* a
control freak.

--
Remove the ns_ from if replying by e-mail (but keep posts in
the newsgroups if possible).

In article <yV6yc.1963$zz.1825@attbi_s04>,

Claire Petersky said:

OK, here's the deal.

Long ago, in the wintertime, my husband and I signed up for
RSVP, a two-day 183 mile ride from Seattle to Vancouver,
BC. We have the hotel reservations, everything.

[snip]

Quoted message said:

My husband's in school these days, and this week and next
week are the end-of-the-quarter break. A few weeks ago I
had a sort of come-to-Jesus conversation with him about how
he needed to really use the break to pour on the miles if
he really wanted to do Flying Wheels and RSVP with me. Like
30+ miles every day, to get himself up to where Flying
Wheels (much less RSVP) are conceivable. It's now four days
into that break, and he's going on his first ride (an 18
mile round trip) today. I don't blame him for wanting to do
other things on his break, like rest and relax, but there's
trade-offs, and one of those trade-offs might be, he might
not be doing these rides with me this summer.

How's communication between you? Could this be his way of
telling you that he doesn't view long bike rides as worth
the effort?

IMHO nagging won't get you anywhere. There is no perfect
choice that will get you the quality time that you want with
your husband AND the quality of experience on these rides.
Your husband appears to have made up his mind. Your choice
is a difficult one. One possible thought: have you in your
discussions asked him how he would feel about your doing
these rides without him (posed as a question, not as a
threat)? You might figure out some _other_ activities you
could share that don't necessarily involve long bike rides.

If the biking is really important to your physical and
emotional well-being, I suggest you find some way to do it.
If it helps you as an individual, it may well help you as
part of a couple. There is some risk, but then there is
risk in almost anything. Otherwise the "lesser"
alternatives may be best.

Most if not all married (esp. with children) people probably
run into similar difficulties sooner or later.

Hope it all works out...

-frank
--

I just reread the original post, and reviewed in my mind
much of the thoughtful answers you have received, but one
thing seems to be missing--and no one has mentioned it. Your
husband evidently does not follow this NG, and the entire
exchange is written as though his input is not solicited. I
know you had a "come to Jesus" talk with him, but does he
know that you posted this, and is he aware of the
alternatives you are weighing?

If he is, what are his reactions, and how has that affected
your thinking? If he is not, how do you suppose he
will/would react on finding out that you have been talking
to the whole world, without talking to him first?

And, I can't help wondering: if he were posting to the group
about this situation, what would he be saying?

"Claire Petersky" <[email hidden]> wrote in message
news:yV6yc.1963$zz.1825@attbi_s04...

Quoted message said:

OK, here's the deal.

Long ago, in the wintertime, my husband and I signed up
for RSVP, a

two-day

Quoted message said:

183 mile ride from Seattle to Vancouver, BC. We have
the hotel

reservations,

Quoted message said:

everything.

Two weeks from now is the Flying Wheels Century. The
elevation profile for the 100 mile loop is remarkable
similar to the elevation profile for the first day of
RSVP. I've been planning to do the 100 mile loop, under
the theory that if I can do the 100 mile ride at the end
of June, I should be able to complete the 183 mile ride by
the beginning of August. I'm also planning a two-day (100
miles back-to-back) STP ride in July, which he has already
decided he wouldn't do.

Now it's the middle of June. Unlike last year, my
husband's hardly been riding. He does one to three short
(10 - 30 mile) rides a week. I haven't been Lance
Armstrong myself, but I'm doing more like 100 miles/week
just commuting, and then doing a longer ride over the
weekend.

My husband's in school these days, and this week and next
week are the end-of-the-quarter break. A few weeks ago I
had a sort of come-to-Jesus conversation with him about
how he needed to really use the break to pour

on

Quoted message said:

the miles if he really wanted to do Flying Wheels and RSVP
with me. Like

30+

Quoted message said:

miles every day, to get himself up to where Flying Wheels
(much less RSVP) are conceivable. It's now four days into
that break, and he's going on his first ride (an 18 mile
round trip) today. I don't blame him for wanting to do
other things on his break, like rest and relax, but
there's trade-offs, and one of those trade-offs might be,
he might not be doing these rides

with

Quoted message said:

me this summer.

Right now, for me, doing the complete century (as opposed
to say, the 70 mile loop) feels like a stretch, but I've
done it before, and I could probably survive it again. The
problem: I just don't see how my husband's going to be
able to do it. The last longer ride we did together, about
45 miles, he faded before the end, and I had to ride to
the car by myself and circle back and pick him up. In
general, he's got the big muscles to push

up

Quoted message said:

any sort of hill, but he doesn't seem to have the
endurance for longer rides.

So, here are my choices:

a. Do the Flying Wheels full 100 mile loop. He can do the
50 or 70 mile loop. We'll ride together for part of the
ride. He just has to make the commitment to have his
stuff ready and to get up early enough to make it
feasible for me to be able to complete the 100.

b. Make a commitment to doing the ride with him, and doing
it on our

tandem,

Quoted message said:

and doing the 70 mile loop. It won't be the 100 I was
hoping for, but the

70

Quoted message said:

mile loop would be a first for us on a tandem, so has the
feeling of a different kind of accomplishment. I would
have it in my back pocket that, if he feels like he's
going to plotz, I can push it as stoker and get him
through it.

c. Make the commitment to doing the 70 mile loop with him,
on singles. He can do a self-evaluation at the break-
off point between the 50 and 70 mile loop, and see if
he can actually finish the 70 mile loop.

d. Just do the Flying Wheels full 100 mile loop, and not
worry about him

at

Quoted message said:

all. I have friends I can ride with, let him register and
get himself down there to ride, even if it's later in the
morning, if that's what he wants

to

Quoted message said:

do.

Then, after this choice is made, we'll have to decide
about whether or not RSVP is really happening as a couple.
If we did the 70 mile loop on a tandem, I'd feel much more
confident about being able to pull off RSVP on

a

Quoted message said:

tandem, too.

What do you think? I don't want to nag him, but I'm very
nervous about how this is going to work out.

Warm Regards,

Claire Petersky Please replace earthlink for mouse-potato
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Hello Claire,

I don't know your husband obviously but one thing I know is
that most men hate to be pushed into something they are not
ready for or do not necessarilly want. Since he is the
weakest link in this, you will have to decide if you want to
do something with him. If so I would suggest you let him
decide if he is ready for the things you have in mind.
Perhaps he will be interested in the Tandem thing, perhaps
he will want to do the single. This is something the two of
you have to work together, and if you push him into
something he doesn't want, he might do it but that doesn't
mean he will enjoy it. On the long run it might mean he will
get less interested in it if he doesn't appreciate it and on
top have to use what little free time he has to do it.

So that is all I can say without knowing the both of you 😉
Communication is always the key.

Good luck and I am sure you can come to a decision you will
both enjoy.

Since I've been requested to post an interim report,
here it is.

My husband was out of town when I posted to rbm; he's back
now. We talked further about this. Part of what had made me
so skittish about riding together is that, until this fall,
we had ridden to work together several mornings a week, for
a couple of years. I had gotten used to riding with him, and
felt like I knew where he was at. Things changed when he
went back to school. Because of child care obligations,
riding together has been pretty rare.

Anyway, I'd rather ride with him than not, so we recommitted
to doing the rides together. What has happened so far:

I decided not to do the 85 mile ride this weekend I really
needed to do if I was serious about the 100 mile loop for
Flying Wheels. Instead, I actually saw my husband and
children at breakfast, and did 60 miles instead. I've done
about 135 miles so far this week -- I'll put on at least 30
more tomorrow, and about another 60 Saturday. I feel ready
for the 70 mile FW loop and a two day STP.

David did a couple of longer rides during this week,
including nearly 50 miles today. So, we should be able to do
the 70 mile loop of FW together.

Although he can't do all of STP with me because of a prior
conflict, I now have it set up so he can do the second day
with me. Since I plan to ride 125 miles to Winlock the first
day, that leaves the remaining 75 together the second.

After STP, the girls will be in summer camp for a bit, which
leaves again more time for us both to be putting in saddle
time later in July.

I'm hoping we'll be on track for RSVP together.

--
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Claire Petersky Please replace earthlink for mouse-potato
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Final report for FW:

We did the 70 mile loop together. We also rode to the
ride -- the start line is not even 3 miles from the
house, and it's all downhill. Of course, we paid the
price at the end of the day coming home. The total
mileage, then, was about 75 miles.

Although the weather report had for a long time predicted a
cloudy day with scattered showers, it was a gorgeously sunny
day, with a light breeze (occasional headwinds), and not too
hot. Almost perfect riding weather.

I had a great deal of fun riding with my husband. Maybe
especially because I haven't had many chances in recent
months to ride with him, it was particularly enjoyable. I
guess it might not look like quality time, because we aren't
necessarily talking all that much during the ride, but even
just executing teamwork as riding partners without yakity-
yak was fun.

He confessed after the ride was over that he was afraid that
he wouldn't have been able to complete the ride,
particularly the nasty hill that comes about 10 miles before
the end of the ride. And he probably didn't go up it with
the same strength as he did last year. But he still climbed
it faster than I did.

Since all my riding friends were advising me to ditch him
(as did some of you), I appreciated the opportunity to
ask the question to a wider audience, and get a variety
of opinions.

I hope we'll be in shape for RSVP in August!

--
Warm Regards,

Claire Petersky Please replace earthlink for mouse-potato
and .net for .com Home of the meditative cyclist:
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Claire Petersky said:

Final report for FW:

We did the 70 mile loop together. We also rode to the ride
-- the start line is not even 3 miles from the house, and
it's all downhill. Of course, we paid the price at the end
of the day coming home. The total mileage, then, was about
75 miles.

Although the weather report had for a long time predicted a
cloudy day with scattered showers, it was a gorgeously
sunny day, with a light breeze (occasional headwinds), and
not too hot. Almost perfect riding weather.

I had a great deal of fun riding with my husband. Maybe
especially because I haven't had many chances in recent
months to ride with him, it was particularly enjoyable. I
guess it might not look like quality time, because we
aren't necessarily talking all that much during the ride,
but even just executing teamwork as riding partners without
yakity-yak was fun.

He confessed after the ride was over that he was afraid
that he wouldn't have been able to complete the ride,
particularly the nasty hill that comes about 10 miles
before the end of the ride. And he probably didn't go up it
with the same strength as he did last year. But he still
climbed it faster than I did.

Since all my riding friends were advising me to ditch him
(as did some of you), I appreciated the opportunity to ask
the question to a wider audience, and get a variety of
opinions.

I hope we'll be in shape for RSVP in August!

Just be sure that you tell all your riding friends, in your
husband's presence, preferably, the -he- ditched -you- on
the final hill, while grinning and gesticulating wildly, and
beaming in pride at him.

Uh, just a thought..being an actual husband, myself. ;-p -B

Claire Petersky said:

Now it's the middle of June. Unlike last year, my
husband's hardly been riding. He does one to three short
(10 - 30 mile) rides a week. I haven't been Lance
Armstrong myself, but I'm doing more like 100 miles/week
just commuting, and then doing a longer ride over the
weekend.

Right now, for me, doing the complete century (as opposed
to say, the 70 mile loop) feels like a stretch, but I've
done it before, and I could probably survive it again. The
problem: I just don't see how my husband's going to be
able to do it.

When I undertook my longest-ever ride, from Austin, Tex. to
Hot Springs, Ark., my conditioning consisted mainly of a
daily 15-minute blast to work and back home again. Still, I
put in 65 miles on the first afternoon after a 3pm start,
and 135 miles the following day. It was hard, and bike fit
problems that weren't manifested by my short commute routine
made me cut back my mileage on successive days' riding. But
I did it just fine.

If your hubby has a bike that is known to work for him over
long distances, and he is willing to undertake the ride in
earnest, then he'll be OK. All the better if it really kicks
his ass; he'll be more committed to his preparation next
time. A hundred miles a day on a bike just isn't a
superhuman effort if one is willing to pace oneself and feed
and water appropriately.

My last cycle camping trip of some 30 miles one way, trying
to keep pace with much faster riders than myself, was more
physically traumatic than any century I've undertaken. If
I'd gone at my own pace, I could have ridden much further.
As it was, a couple of hilly hours wasted me for days.

Chalo Colina

In article <[email hidden]>,

(Chalo) said:

When I undertook my longest-ever ride, from Austin, Tex. to
Hot Springs, Ark., my conditioning consisted mainly of a
daily 15-minute blast to work and back home again. Still, I
put in 65 miles on the first afternoon after a 3pm start,
and 135 miles the following day. It was hard, and bike fit
problems that weren't manifested by my short commute
routine made me cut back my mileage on successive days'
riding. But I did it just fine.

Quoted message said:

Chalo Colina

Sorry for the OT but: This sounds like a great ride. I just
shuttled a RAAM pace car through Arkansas and the Texas
Panhandle on the way back from Atlantic city to San Diego. I
dropped south of the Interstate 40 to visit relatives in Hot
Springs and then returned to the Interstate at Fort Smith,
AR by way of SR 78. I don't think I saw more than 20 - 30
cars plus one or two big rigs and maybe a motor home all
day. I'm wondering if maybe there is some kind of loop Say
Austin to Hotsprings to Amarillo back to Austin? Was your
ride supported or did you do it solo self support? What was
your total for the Austin, Hot Springs ride? By any chance
is there a route ticket for this? Thanks, Bill.

(whinds) said:

I'm wondering if maybe there is some kind of loop Say
Austin to Hotsprings to Amarillo back to Austin?

That sounds like a good ride for the spring or fall. In the
summer, you'd have to be really well acclimated to the heat.

Quoted message said:

Was your ride supported or did you do it solo self
support?

Solo.

Quoted message said:

What was your total for the Austin, Hot Springs ride?

Right around 500 miles in 7 days. I took a fairly direct
route via Palestine, Longview, Marshall, Jefferson,
Texarkana, and Hope. I was headed out to Memphis but my bike
started to crack up (2 different places in the frame) in Hot
Springs, so I threw in the towel.

Chalo Colina

From subject header thought this might be juicy.

Bill "slow night" S.