Live from the slammer! It's Martha..

On Tue, 09 Mar 2004 15:10:16 GMT, "larry" <[email hidden]>

Quoted message said:

Instead of Martha, why don't the feds go after former Enron
head Ken Lay?

Hmmmm...maybe 'cause Martha isn't in bed with the Shrub like
Kenny Boy is??

"larry" perhaps should have provided an attribution:

<snip>

Quoted message said:

What I want to know is how the jurors qualified as
Martha's peers. Maybe during voir dire they had to be able
to tell the lawyers 20 handy uses for a can of
cranberries.

I'll bet everybody knew that it's for holding down that
stubborn piece of shelf paper in the back of the cupboard.

Quoted message said:

Did you ever wonder if you could make a seafood smoothie
by running a perch through a Waring blender? Me neither,
but I'll betcha Martha has the answer.

What to do with a dead albatross too, I'll wager.

Quoted message said:

So stop pickin' on Martha, for gosh sakes. Sure, she's
annoying. But how many workers' 401(k)s did she bring down
when she sold off her ImClone stock?

Given the ultimate results, perhaps quite a few.

Quoted message said:

Can Lay pan-fry a mahi-mahi filet in canola oil, or say it
with acorns? I think not.

No, but like Martha, he also knows how to filet and pan-fry
former friends and coworkers and serve them their own asses
on a platter.

Quoted message said:

Meanwhile, sadly, Martha Stewart faces jail time. You'd
think the feds would offer her leniency in exchange for
her recipe for pecan-encrusted catfish.

Well they didn't, did they? Question answered.

Quoted message said:

Oh, Martha could survive a tour in the joint with no
problem. She's an enterprising businesswoman, so it
wouldn't be long before she'd be broadcasting a home
decorating show live from her jail cell. So folks at home,
don't adjust your TV set. Those bars on your screen are
supposed to be there. And the large female cellmate
everyone knows as Moose is supposed to be there, too.

Could she get Moose to behave like a note-worthy guest
cellmate, the two cooking side by side while Martha barks
orders at her and interrupts her constantly? Ummmmmm...
stay tuned.

Quoted message said:

Jail would be a learning experience for Martha and her
viewers. Before this is over, she could be passing along
valuable jailhouse homemaking tips, such as:

During an escape, how much of a thread count a set of
sheets requires before you can tie them together and lower
yourself to the ground.

Hey, don't laugh! Think of the strength of those fabrics.
She could end up taking everybody with her.

Quoted message said:

How to make that shiny metal toilet appear less imposing
as a centerpiece in a 6-by-8-foot living space.

With a removable floral arrangement insert, of course.

Quoted message said:

Accessorizing with nasturtiums in the exercise yard
without getting your brains beat in.

...without a garden shed or a potting bench, and using just
a sharpened spoon (one of Julia Child's old tricks).

Quoted message said:

During a prison riot, how to make your plumbing back up
until it explodes.

No, no! This completely misses the spirit of everything
Martha Stewart has tried to acheive all of her life. One
must make ones plumbing back up to the brim, then clear it
out again subtly and swiftly while all the time insisting
that there was a standing sale order.

Quoted message said:

Making a shiv out of a vegetable peeler, a cheese grater
or a melon baller.

A disher, please. A #60 disher. And don't forget the spring-
loaded tongs.

Quoted message said:

The evening meal: How many fruit cups do you have to
save up before you can trade them to Moose for a pack
of Camels?

This one could be tough for Martha, given her difficult
history with interpersonal relationships.

Pennyaline said:

"larry" perhaps should have provided an attribution:

He did..last sentence says..

"John Kelso's column appears on Sundays, Tuesdays and
Fridays."

..so it is therefore attributed to John Kelso..

L

larry said:

Pennyaline said:

"larry" perhaps should have provided an attribution:

He did..last sentence says..

"John Kelso's column appears on Sundays, Tuesdays and
Fridays."

..so it is therefore attributed to John Kelso..

And did you read any of the rest of it, "larry"?

PS, "larry": to be crystal clear and avert misunderstandings
(read "avoid plagiarism accusations and copyright
infringement" and not from me, either), attributions are
given in large plain type at the start of an article, not
at the end of it.

And if you ever have a BIG problem....will you like everyone
being SO unkind???

And if you ever have a BIG problem....will you like everyone
being SO unkind???