Two-Wheeled Hoons Terrorise Neighbourhood
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RESIDENTS OF A QUIET KEW RESIDENTIAL STREET this week spoke out about
their daily lives being made a misery by the unpredictable and
thoughtless behaviour of increasing numbers of lycra-clad cycling
louts. In a letter to The Chronicle, a spokeswoman for the recently
formed group Concerned Residents of Hodgson Street, Ms Contumelia
Endive, told of uncouth and antisocial behaviour, dangerous near
misses, and fears for the wellbeing of elderly residents and children.
"For reasons best known to themselves, more and more of these pests
are descending on our quiet enclave at all hours of the day and
disrupting our peace by charging up our once beautiful street at
dangerous speeds. They puff, pant, grimace, spit, and swear, shout or
whoop loudly at one another, and generally behave in a quite
antisocial fashion. Aside from the obvious danger of collisions, we
are very concerned by the well known proclivity of cyclists towards
drug use. We also worry about the safety of young children in the
presence of these bizarrely dressed men who appear to shave their legs
and no doubt partake in other even more unsavoury activities", wrote
Ms Endive.
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Approached for comment by The Chronicle, the Assistant Manager of
Local Media Liaison Services at Bicycle Victoria, Ms Eumerella Sprodd
sought to dissociate the reported behaviour from that of responsible
cyclists: "Thanks to the tireless efforts of Bicycle Victoria,
Melbourne has over 752,000 kilometres of bike trails, shared pathways,
and dedicated on-road bike lanes for cyclists to enjoy", said Ms
Sprodd. "There is certainly no reason for even a small group of
riders to antagonise local residents in this way, if the reports are
correct." A spokeswoman for the Hawthorn Cycling Club also claimed no
knowledge of the illegal two-wheeled drag races "We run regular
criterion racing around a closed, non-residential circuit on the
nearby Kew Boulevard Loop," said Ms Rae Butcher, "these races give
cyclists of all abilities the opportunity to compete and work off
their excess testosterone, so I'm very surprised at what you're
telling me".
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When correspondents from The Chronicle visited leafy, tree-lined
Hodgson Street yesterday, peace reigned, with no rogue riders to be
seen. But Ms Endive's claims were backed up by a long term resident
of the street, 78 year old widow Mrs Beryl Plunkett: "It's just
dreadful" said Ms Plunkett, "I regularly have to cross the street on
my walking frame, and several times I have nearly been bowled over by
horrible sweaty men charging up the road at me, coming from nowhere,
without so much as an apology. It's got to where I'm scared to leave
my front door", a tearful Mrs Plunkett told The Chronicle.
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The Chronicle took the residents' concerns to the local Police, where
station chief Otto Grug admitted that Police were aware of the
activities, but hindered by a temporary lack of resources to confront
the offenders: "With all our cars and most of our officers currently
on security patrol up at the Commonwealth Games Lawn Bowls in Darebin,
we have been unable to mount an effective surveillance in Hodgson
Street.", stated Senior Sergeant Grug. "I did send one of our junior
officers over there on a Police-issue mountain bike two weeks ago to
investigate, but in giving chase to an offender on a higher powered
machine, he suffered severe atrial fibrillation and is still off on
Workcover."
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For the present then, it appears that the long-suffering residents of
Hodgson Street are on their own.
This entirely serious article brought to you via Allan ONeil on
bicigaga.
--
TimC
I am very new to programming drivers so if I sound un-knowledgeable then it's
because I am. -- first4internet's Ceri Coburn on writing Sony's DRM rootkit