In article <[email hidden]>, [email hidden] says...
Quoted message said:I recently walked into a lingerie shop (had to kill some time in a mall) and
had the strangest experience. I have been heavy for years, and am used to
being invisible in such places. A salesclerk came up to me immediately and
started talking to me about what was new this week! I was so shocked I was
speechless, and didn't know what to do with myself. It doesn't occur to me
(having gone from busting out of a 3x/30 to a L/14) that clothes there would
fit me. I am not able to see myself for the size I am. I always think I'm
bigger than I am.
It's been taking me a while, too. I go back and forth between feeling
"normal", like I did for all the years before I really packed it on, and
being shocked that I managed to lose most (but not all) of it. Whenever
I see myself in a full-length mirror, I'm usually surprised (and
DELIGHTED) because I'm still mostly expecting to see a much heavier
body. I DO get treated differently now than I did when I weighed almost
60 lbs more. I felt invisible MOST of the time whenever I was out in
stores, a feeling that was highlighted whenever I would actually open my
mouth to say something witty or saucy -- people looked at me in
temporary SHOCK (maybe STARTLED is a better word for it), as if they
never expected me to speak up at ALL, let alone say something
INTERESTING. It was annoying and insulting to be treated like that,
even though they probably weren't even aware of how their responses came
across. It makes one think about how we are ALL conditioned to perceive
and judge people.
The heavier I got, the more *I* began to notice all the OTHER
"invisible" people. I hadn't realized how much *I* had categorized
people based on their weight. And then I realized that I was STILL
doing it, except that I now felt a sort of sisterhood with other
overweight women. Sometimes I felt like we would flash a lightning-
quick, knowing, glance at each other that reinforced our membership in
this invisible club. Now that I'm back in the "normal" category, I
STILL feel the sisterhood, but I'm not feeling the kinship in return
because I'm no longer so heavy, so I'm not recognized as being "one of
them" anymore. I see someone signficantly overweight and I really FEEL
for them and want to tell them that there IS a way out. I don't, of
course, not only because it's simply not done, but because I feel like I
would not be believed because I'm no longer "one of them". It's
disconcerting. It's like I keep trying on different attitudes and
scenarios and then have to sit back and digest them. A LOT of it may
all be in my mind, but my mind is still trying to work it all out. It's
something to ponder. I think we are always evolving -- once we become
AWARE of something, it doesn't mean anything will change (for better or
worse) right away, but by BEING aware of it, we let it settle in and
eventually become part of how we perceive the world. Eventually the
awareness DOES affect our own behavior and we become more comfortable
with it. For now, I'm GLAD I'm still surprised and delighted at my
new/old body image, because I have a MUCH greater appreciation for it
now than I ever did when I was this weight or lower BEFORE. It's not
something to take for granted anymore, and it has to be nurtured and
paid heed in order to KEEP it that way (that old AWARENESS thing again).
--
Saffire
205/147/125 - 5'1.5"
Atkins since 6/14/03
Progress photo: http://photos.yahoo.com/saffire333
