Cyclist Haggadah

L'chaim!

Good'n. Thanks.

Claire Petersky said:

All who are in need of spring training, come and ride with us.
All who are hungry, come and partake of our carbohydrate-laden treats.

[The bottle of cytomax is held up and the blessing recited.]

The youngest rider asks:

1. On all other rides, we eat all kinds of bars. On this ride, why do we
only eat hard, unleavened Power Bars?
2. On all other rides, we might consume a wide range of fruits. On this
ride, why do we eat bananas?
3. On all other rides, we might not dip our bananas even once in our gu. On
this ride, why do we dip our bananas twice?
4. On all other rides, we ride sitting up straight. On this ride, why do we
ride in a reclining position on recumbents?

The answer my children, may be found in the story of Passover.

This is the power bar of our affliction, which our ancestors baked 400 years
ago.

Many years ago, we were slaves to our automobiles, driving hither and
thither, not knowing that a better way existed. If the Holy One, blessed be
He, had not shown us the way of the bicycle, then we, our children and our
children's children would have remained enslaved to motor vehicle. Even if
all of us were wise, all of us understanding, all of us knowing the book of
Effective Cycling, we would still be obligated to discuss the liberation
through cycling; and everyone who discusses this liberation at length is
praiseworthy.

There are four types of children who ask questions on this ride: the wise
one, the bad one, the simple one, and the one who does not know to ask.
- What does the wise one ask? I don't know; I couldn't understand him
either. Him you must send to a school for gifted children.
- What does the bad one ask? He says, "What is this ride to you?" Because he
excludes himself from the community of cyclists, you must exclude him from
your ride, and he will go back to his employer and get paid double-time and
a half for working on a holiday.
- What does the simple one ask? He simply asks, "What is this?" You will say
to him, "This is a bike ride."
- As for the one who does not know to ask, you must go to his room, wake him
up and say, "Next year, come to the bike ride on time!"

These are the Ten Plagues which the Holy One, blessed be He, brought upon
the motorists, namely as follows:

[When saying the ten plagues, spill a drop of cytomax from the sports bottle
itself ten times for each plague:]

High gas prices
Congestion
Registration fees
Pollution
Pot holes
Expensive parking
Speeding tickets
Sedendary lifestyle
Obesity
First-born getting a driver's licence

How many levels of favors has the Eternal One bestowed upon us?

If we would be wearing padded bike shorts, but not have clipless pedals, it
would have been enough.
If we would have clipless pedals, but not at least Shimano 105 components,
it would have been enough.
If we would be equipped with at least Shimano 105 components, but not a
delicious post-ride dinner, it would have been enough.
If we would been served a delicious dinner and no dessert, it would have
been enough.
If we would eaten dessert, but not have a hangover from too much carousing,
it would have been enough.

(Pick up the cytomax and say🙂 Thus how much more so should we be grateful
to the Eternal One for the doubled and redoubled goodness that He has
bestowed upon us! We do wear padded bike shorts, we do have clipless
pedals, and we do have at least Shimano 105 components (and some of us have
Ultegra and even Campy Chorus, and many other wonders), and we did eat a
delicious post-ride dinner, and we did get dessert, and now we pray that we
do not get a hangover from too much carousing -- let us say, Amen!

Thus it is our duty to thank, to laud, to praise, to glorify, to exalt, to
adore, to bless, to elevate and to honor the One who did all these miracles
for cyclists before us and for us. He took us from car-driving slavery to
bicycling freedom, from steel-caged enclosed sorrow to the open road of joy,
and from bondage to redemption.

Blessed are You, our God, Universal Ruling Presence, who has redeemed us and
redeemed our ancestors, and enabled us on this ride to eat power bars and
bananas. So too, God, our God and God of our ancestors, enable us to attain
other rides and cycling events that will come to us in peace with happiness,
and with rejoicing in Your service.

This year we watch the Tour De France in the living room, next year may we
see it in person!

(with a tip o' the hat to Akiva and Ilene Miller)

Very clever, Claire, though I can't help but think that if this had had
a Christian slant, several would have either protested it as being too
religious for a bike newsgroup and some would have doubtless been
offended that it was blasphemous.

Quoted message said:

Claire Petersky said:

All who are in need of spring training, come and ride with us.
All who are hungry, come and partake of our carbohydrate-laden treats.

...

catzz66 said:

Very clever, Claire, though I can't help but think that if this had

had

Quoted message said:

a Christian slant, several would have either protested it as being

too

Quoted message said:

religious for a bike newsgroup and some would have doubtless been
offended that it was blasphemous.

Sure go ahead....start something. The wheels are turning in the
cycling minds of the Christians wondering how to take this into a
religious argument......
rec.bicycles.religion
rec.bicycles.politics
rec.bicycles.dopping
rec.bicycles.huh

It all falls under misc.

It's all good.
Maggie

Quoted message said:

The wheels are turning in the
cycling minds of the Christians wondering how to take this into a
religious argument......

We are? I can't find that part in my script.

I'm a fundie and I thought Claire's piece was cleverly humorous. There
are some small pieces that might be considered somewhat blasphemous, I
suppose, but Claire's not Christian and I absolutely don't expect her
to write from a Christian viewpoint. To have an expectation that she or
anyone else should do so in this diverse assemblage is weird.

RFM

Well . . . you . . . me . . . and some guy named Leo Lichtman are
rolling on the floor laughing.

Thanks, Claire!

Nakhum Duvid ben Chuna ha Cohen (sp??)

catzz66 said:

Very clever, Claire, though I can't help but think that if this had had
a Christian slant, several would have either protested it as being too
religious for a bike newsgroup and some would have doubtless been
offended that it was blasphemous.

Funny, I've posted something based on the Lord's Prayer and noone
took issue. Actually, if I remember correctly, Claire responded
with the mountain biker's version. Personally I think you are being
hypersensitive about your own bugaboo.

As for me, I quite liked Claire's post, though I do wish I had more
personal cultural referents for it. I would probably if I had spent
more time with my sister in the past fifteen years or so...

--
Dane Jackson - z u v e m b i @ u n i x b i g o t s . o r g
Use an accordion. Go to jail.
-- KFOG, San Francisco

Dane Jackson said:

Funny, I've posted something based on the Lord's Prayer and noone
took issue. Actually, if I remember correctly, Claire responded
with the mountain biker's version. Personally I think you are being
hypersensitive about your own bugaboo.

As for me, I quite liked Claire's post, though I do wish I had more
personal cultural referents for it. I would probably if I had spent
more time with my sister in the past fifteen years or so...

I'm not complaining about Claire's post at all. I liked it too. I
forwarded it to some of my friends.

On Wed, 20 Apr 2005 12:49:15 GMT, RonSonic <[email hidden]>
wrote:

Hahah.... and leave out a bottle of Cytomax for Elijah!

Quoted message said:

Good'n. Thanks.

Claire Petersky said:

All who are in need of spring training, come and ride with us.
All who are hungry, come and partake of our carbohydrate-laden treats.

[The bottle of cytomax is held up and the blessing recited.]

The youngest rider asks:

1. On all other rides, we eat all kinds of bars. On this ride, why do we
only eat hard, unleavened Power Bars?
2. On all other rides, we might consume a wide range of fruits. On this
ride, why do we eat bananas?
3. On all other rides, we might not dip our bananas even once in our gu. On
this ride, why do we dip our bananas twice?
4. On all other rides, we ride sitting up straight. On this ride, why do we
ride in a reclining position on recumbents?

The answer my children, may be found in the story of Passover.

This is the power bar of our affliction, which our ancestors baked 400 years
ago.

Many years ago, we were slaves to our automobiles, driving hither and
thither, not knowing that a better way existed. If the Holy One, blessed be
He, had not shown us the way of the bicycle, then we, our children and our
children's children would have remained enslaved to motor vehicle. Even if
all of us were wise, all of us understanding, all of us knowing the book of
Effective Cycling, we would still be obligated to discuss the liberation
through cycling; and everyone who discusses this liberation at length is
praiseworthy.

There are four types of children who ask questions on this ride: the wise
one, the bad one, the simple one, and the one who does not know to ask.
- What does the wise one ask? I don't know; I couldn't understand him
either. Him you must send to a school for gifted children.
- What does the bad one ask? He says, "What is this ride to you?" Because he
excludes himself from the community of cyclists, you must exclude him from
your ride, and he will go back to his employer and get paid double-time and
a half for working on a holiday.
- What does the simple one ask? He simply asks, "What is this?" You will say
to him, "This is a bike ride."
- As for the one who does not know to ask, you must go to his room, wake him
up and say, "Next year, come to the bike ride on time!"

These are the Ten Plagues which the Holy One, blessed be He, brought upon
the motorists, namely as follows:

[When saying the ten plagues, spill a drop of cytomax from the sports bottle
itself ten times for each plague:]

High gas prices
Congestion
Registration fees
Pollution
Pot holes
Expensive parking
Speeding tickets
Sedendary lifestyle
Obesity
First-born getting a driver's licence

How many levels of favors has the Eternal One bestowed upon us?

If we would be wearing padded bike shorts, but not have clipless pedals, it
would have been enough.
If we would have clipless pedals, but not at least Shimano 105 components,
it would have been enough.
If we would be equipped with at least Shimano 105 components, but not a
delicious post-ride dinner, it would have been enough.
If we would been served a delicious dinner and no dessert, it would have
been enough.
If we would eaten dessert, but not have a hangover from too much carousing,
it would have been enough.

(Pick up the cytomax and say🙂 Thus how much more so should we be grateful
to the Eternal One for the doubled and redoubled goodness that He has
bestowed upon us! We do wear padded bike shorts, we do have clipless
pedals, and we do have at least Shimano 105 components (and some of us have
Ultegra and even Campy Chorus, and many other wonders), and we did eat a
delicious post-ride dinner, and we did get dessert, and now we pray that we
do not get a hangover from too much carousing -- let us say, Amen!

Thus it is our duty to thank, to laud, to praise, to glorify, to exalt, to
adore, to bless, to elevate and to honor the One who did all these miracles
for cyclists before us and for us. He took us from car-driving slavery to
bicycling freedom, from steel-caged enclosed sorrow to the open road of joy,
and from bondage to redemption.

Blessed are You, our God, Universal Ruling Presence, who has redeemed us and
redeemed our ancestors, and enabled us on this ride to eat power bars and
bananas. So too, God, our God and God of our ancestors, enable us to attain
other rides and cycling events that will come to us in peace with happiness,
and with rejoicing in Your service.

This year we watch the Tour De France in the living room, next year may we
see it in person!

(with a tip o' the hat to Akiva and Ilene Miller)

Neil Brooks said:

Well . . . you . . . me . . . and some guy named Leo Lichtman are
rolling on the floor laughing.

Thanks, Claire!

Nakhum Duvid ben Chuna ha Cohen (sp??)

I'm clueless....a usual. I don't even understand my own religion.

It's all good.
Maggie

"Neil Brooks" wrote: Well . . . you . . . me . . . and some guy named Leo
Lichtman are rolling on the floor laughing.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Who, me? My grandparents were Jewish. My parents were skeptics. I'm
cathodic--characterized by my negative attitude.

But, you're right about me ROTFL.

Maggie said:

catzz66 said:

Very clever, Claire, though I can't help but think that if this had

had

Quoted message said:

a Christian slant, several would have either protested it as being

too

Quoted message said:

religious for a bike newsgroup and some would have doubtless been
offended that it was blasphemous.

Sure go ahead....start something. The wheels are turning in the
cycling minds of the Christians wondering how to take this into a
religious argument......
rec.bicycles.religion
rec.bicycles.politics
rec.bicycles.dopping
rec.bicycles.huh

It all falls under misc.

I'd file it under faulty generalization instead.

Mark Hickey
Habanero Cycles
http://www.habcycles.com
Home of the $695 ti frame

On 20 Apr 2005 12:01:38 -0700, "Maggie" <[email hidden]>

Quoted message said:

Neil Brooks said:

Well . . . you . . . me . . . and some guy named Leo Lichtman are
rolling on the floor laughing.

Thanks, Claire!

Nakhum Duvid ben Chuna ha Cohen (sp??)

I'm clueless....a usual. I don't even understand my own religion.

It's all good.
Maggie

Well then you're like most jews... join the clueless agnostic club,
and have a nice sandwich!

Quoted message said:

Well then you're like most jews... join the clueless agnostic club,
and have a nice sandwich!

Sounds like a plan. I think I will. Actually I found out my
grandfather was a fallen jew. He married my English grandmother (who
was a chorus girl) and his mother disowned him. She closed the door to
his room and it was not opened until the day she died. He married the
[censored]..or whatever you call a christian chorus girl, and then died in
a car accident. They had six kids. After he died she ran off with
another guy. It is a weird sorted story.....which just came to light
about 5 years ago. There was a name change too.

So now I understand why I act like a Jewish princess. My great
grandmother was a very devout Jew who could not accept her son marrying
outside his faith. And he married a chorus girl. He was going to
Julliard at the time. He was studying to be a concert violinist. My
great grandmother must have been a little [censored] when he ran off with a
Christian chorus girl YA THINK?????

It's all good,
Maggie.

"Maggie" wrote: (clip) [censored] (clip)
^^^^^^^^^^^^^
The word is "shiksa," a gentile female. Among traditional, old-fashioned
Jews, marrying a shiksa was the worst thing a son could do, whether or not
she was a chorus girl.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^
(clip) After he died she ran off with another guy. (clip)
^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Another way of putting it would be, "After he died, she remarried."

Leo Lichtman said:

^^^^^^^^^^^^^
(clip) After he died she ran off with another guy. (clip)
^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Another way of putting it would be, "After he died, she remarried."

No Leo, after he died, she put her 6 kids in a foster home (one being
my father) and ran off with another guy. Then she showed up seven
years later to take them out. The older ones, my aunts, had already
left at 16. It seems that it was the family of my grandfather who paid
for their care when she ran away. They were taken there by child
services when she took off.

My Jewish grandfather was from a very well to do family and he was well
on his way to having a wonderful career with some symphony. I am
trying to put all the puzzle pieces together through my elderly aunts.
Not an easy task. But I have this fascination with this woman whose
blood runs through my veins.

My grandfather gave up his family, his career, his name, his
inheritance to marry this gentile. He was very smitten with my
grandmother, he was (as I am told) very deeply in love with her. He
was only thirty something when he died in a car accident on the way to
go dancing with my grandmother and another couple.

So I can't put it another way. She did not remarry, she ran off. I
have a feeling my grandmother was a floozy. But she is my grandmother
and her blood runs through my veins. So floozy or not, I loved her. She
was talented, creative, funny and a little wacky. And she was from
England too. Where the women are supposed to be proper. It's
fascinating finding out bits and pieces of the story. The more I learn
the more I realize why I am so wacky. I am so unlike my parents, I used
to think I was adopted when I was little.

That bedroom door at my great grandmothers house remained closed until
the day she died because of what he did. His mother declared him dead
when he married my grandmother. Thus she was not at his funeral.

It's all Good,
Maggie...

On 21 Apr 2005 03:06:08 -0700, "Maggie" <[email hidden]>

Quoted message said:

Leo Lichtman said:

^^^^^^^^^^^^^
(clip) After he died she ran off with another guy. (clip)
^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Another way of putting it would be, "After he died, she remarried."

No Leo, after he died, she put her 6 kids in a foster home (one being
my father) and ran off with another guy. Then she showed up seven
years later to take them out. The older ones, my aunts, had already
left at 16. It seems that it was the family of my grandfather who paid
for their care when she ran away. They were taken there by child
services when she took off.

My Jewish grandfather was from a very well to do family and he was well
on his way to having a wonderful career with some symphony. I am
trying to put all the puzzle pieces together through my elderly aunts.
Not an easy task. But I have this fascination with this woman whose
blood runs through my veins.

My grandfather gave up his family, his career, his name, his
inheritance to marry this gentile. He was very smitten with my
grandmother, he was (as I am told) very deeply in love with her. He
was only thirty something when he died in a car accident on the way to
go dancing with my grandmother and another couple.

So I can't put it another way. She did not remarry, she ran off. I
have a feeling my grandmother was a floozy. But she is my grandmother
and her blood runs through my veins. So floozy or not, I loved her. She
was talented, creative, funny and a little wacky. And she was from
England too. Where the women are supposed to be proper. It's
fascinating finding out bits and pieces of the story. The more I learn
the more I realize why I am so wacky. I am so unlike my parents, I used
to think I was adopted when I was little.

That bedroom door at my great grandmothers house remained closed until
the day she died because of what he did. His mother declared him dead
when he married my grandmother. Thus she was not at his funeral.

It's all Good,
Maggie...

My grandmother used to refer to my grandfather "may he rest in peace".
My father was still in touch with him, and not through the occult. It
wasn't until my cousin was ten or so that she found out that he wasn't
dead because her father never forgave grandpa for divorcing grandma
and marrying a shiksa. One day my father "accidently" mentioned seeing
him to my cousin, who was a bit confused until being told the truth by
her dad.

All families are weird.

Leo Lichtman said:

"Neil Brooks" wrote: Well . . . you . . . me . . . and some guy named Leo
Lichtman are rolling on the floor laughing.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Who, me? My grandparents were Jewish. My parents were skeptics. I'm
cathodic--characterized by my negative attitude.

But, you're right about me ROTFL.

I guess we have a bunch of passover orphans here.. nowhere to go on
passover. But OTOH, considering what those things are like
sometimes... WHEE! If it's nice on passover go for a ride!

Actually i think it's supposed to rain and be [censored] here all weekend.

Quoted message said:

Well then you're like most jews... join the clueless agnostic
club, and have a nice sandwich!

=v= Now, would that be black olives on matzoh bread?

=v= If you pick up _The_Santa_Cruz_Haggadah_, you'll find that
it's illustrated by a cyclist named Nina Paley. Is that close
enough? :^)
<_Jym_>