Cycling Joke

A cyclist walks into a tanning salon.

He is wearing full kit.

Why did the bike rider go to the therapist?

For his cycle-ogical problems.

Two engineering grad students are walking along campus. The first one asks the second where he got the nice new bike he's wheeling along.

The second one replies, "You know that undergrad girl I'm tutoring in physics? Well after she aced her final, she rode over to my house, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take whatever you want.' So I took her bike."

The first engineer nods, "Good choice. The clothes wouldn't have fit you."

If it's not fixed it broken, death before derailleur.

What is the only good cop?

a bike cop

What do you call a dinosaur on a bike?

A velo-ciraptor.

Why are hipsters switching from fixies to mopeds?

Their calves were getting too big for their girlfriend's jeans.

Two Dutch women are cycling into town to do some shopping. Since its a really rare nice day (being Holland), one of the women suggests they take a longer, more scenic route over some old cobbled lanes. After a few kilometers, one of the women says "Oh my, this is really nice. I've never come this way before!." In reply, the other woman says "Yeah, it's the cobblestones."

A man would faithfully wake up every Saturday morning to go for a road ride regardless of the weather. Every week he would carefully get out of bed so as to not wake up his wife, change into his bike gear and begin his trek. One stormy morning he had gotten ready but as he was about to leave he realized the weather was too crazy for him so he crawled back into bed with his wife. He told her "Boy, the weather is crazy out there" to which she replied "Yeah, can you believe my husband is biking in that?"

It's a Groaner...

A Motorway walks into a pub one day. He goes up to the bar and orders himself a drink. He just sits down when in walks a strip of green tarmac. The Motorway sees the tarmac and starts to freak out so he jumps over the bar and ducks down so it won't see him.

The red Bus Lane that was sitting beside him at the bar looks down at him puzzled and says, "What's the matter with you? What are you hiding for? You've got six lanes... and two hard shoulders! Why are you frightened of a little piece of green tarmac like that?"

The Motorway replies, "SHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! Y-y-ou... d-don't know him like I d-d-do. He's a-a-a Cyclepath!"

Badum Tush!

I bought a bottle of Rum and put it in the bicycle basket. As I was about to leave I thought for a moment. If I fall off the bicycle, the bottle might break. To avoid that, I drank all of the rum before I left the store. It turned out to be a very good decision because I fell off the bike seven times on my way home.

What's a tandem cyclist's favorite rapper?

2 Chainz

What's the hardest part of learning to ride a bike?

The pavement

What did the bike with the flat tire do?

Retire

You should hit it in slow motion.
It would become a viscous cycle.

My friend rode into a tree the other day racing around his back garden. Thankfully he was able to continue, his bark was worse than his bike.

“I’ve really had it with my dog: he’ll chase anyone on a bicycle.”
“So what are you going to do – leave him at the dog’s home? Give him away? Sell him?”
“No, nothing that drastic. I think I’ll just confiscate his bike.”

Driving one winter’s day, I spotted my mate chest-high in the snow.
I shouted to offer him a lift but he said: “no thanks, I’m on the bike”.

A cyclist lying on his deathbed asked his best friend to do him a favor when he’d gone. “Anything,” replied his friend.
“Just don’t let my wife sell my bikes for what I told her I paid for them,” he begged.

What do you get when you cross pizza with a bike?

A Piecycle.