Bread: The Half-Baked Truth Revealed
{A tongue in cheek look at medical studies.} Zee
1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming
households score below average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the
home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant
mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth;
and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole
nations.
4. Every piece of bread you eat brings you nearer to death.
5. Bread is associated with all the major diseases of the body. For
example, nearly all sick people have eaten bread. The effects are
obviously cumulative:
* 99.9 percent of all people who die from cancer have eaten
bread
* 99.7 percent of the people involved in air and auto
accidents ate bread within 6 months preceding the accident
* 93.1 percent of juvenile delinquents came from homes where
bread is served frequently
6. Evidence points to the long-term effects of bread eating: Of all
the people born since 1839 who later dined on bread, there has been a
100% mortality rate.
7. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven
that as little as a teaspoon of dough can be used to suffocate a lab
rat. The average American eats more bread than that in one day!
8. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low
incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and
osteoporosis.
9. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread
and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two
days.
10. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to
"harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold
cuts.
11. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is
more than 80 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to
your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you
into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
12. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
13. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit!
That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
14. Most bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between
significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.
In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following
bread restrictions:
1. No sale of bread to minors.
2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign complete celebrity
TV spots and bumper stickers.
3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the
societal ills we might associate with bread.
4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may
appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
5. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.