(Namby Pamby, Texas - July 25, 2004) A spokesperson for George Michael
announced today that George Michael would be becoming openly gay really soon
in order not to miss out on the latest cool new craze of being openly gay.
"George Michael will become openly gay probably early next week," the
spokesperson announced. Despite the announcement however, the spokesperson
was quick to deny that George Michael was only becoming openly gay in order
to capture the rapidly growing demographic of people who are not only openly
gay, but are also ACTUALLY gay -- you know, like, FOR REAL. "George Michael
is becoming openly gay," said the spokesperson, "because it is the right
thing to do. It is the right thing to do for our country and the right thing
to do for our freedom... And for our democracy.... And for our
constitution." However, several openly gay professional cyclists protested
George Michael becoming openly gay, saying it was just a political stunt,
and that if he went ahead with becoming bogusly openly gay then it would
make all other currently REALLY openly gay heterosexuals look like a buncha
douchebags and therefore they would all immediately and totally STOP being
openly gay, though they weren't sure yet whether that meant they would have
to stop being just openly or stop being just gay or actually stop being both
at the same time. However, the fifth openly gay Supreme Court justice,
Rehnquist, has intervened saying if the UCI openly gay cyclists stop being
openly gay he will sentence them all immediately to the electric chair or
the gas chamber for failure to come to a complete stop at a stop sign
partially covered over by a tree. George Michael's spokesperson said that
as soon as George Michael finished becoming openly gay and before being
removed from the so-called "Sports Machine" to make way for Bob Roll, he
would, of course, appoint Phil Liggett Secretary of State and Paul Sherwin
head of the FBI. He also said he'd appoint the Village People to be
Secretary of, you know, the Interior. "It's the least an openly gay
American can do to honor our great openly gay American heritage," the
spokesman said George Michael said.
"James Calivar" <[email hidden]> wrote in message
news:[email hidden]...
Quoted message said:90 seconds. 90 [censored] seconds. That's the total amount of coverage
George
Quoted message said:Michael's vaunted Sports Machine gives to Lance Armstrong's 6th straight
TdF
Quoted message said:victory. I would have at least expected some kind of personal story - you
know,
Quoted message said:the kind they give to Kobe Bryant on a weekly basis after having raped
some
Quoted message said:[censored] fan, or to some local high school cheerleading hero who saved his
best
Quoted message said:friend's pet chihuahua from drowning. Hell, maybe they could have even
mentioned the fact that he had recovered from cancer to completely
dominate one
Quoted message said:of the most difficult physical challenges in the world. But no - just a
glib
Quoted message said:post-win ripoff interview about how great it was to hear the Star Spangled
Banner in France, and that's it.
Followed immediately by SEVEN MINUTES of Nascar coverage.
Christ.
What the [censored] is WRONG with this country's sports coverage? [censored] you,
George
Quoted message said:Michael. [censored] you and your Nascar-loving, baseball playing, wife beating
blue
Quoted message said:collar moron viewers. And [censored] YOU George. [censored] you for dumbing down
cycling to
Quoted message said:the typical American viewer. I hope you die soon.