Krispy Kreme Buys USPS Cycling Team
Krispy Kreme has purchased the USPS Cycling Team for an
undisclosed amount of threats and a couplea bloody
horseheads left in the Post Master General's bed. Krispy
Kreme announced today that it will be starting not just
another sports entertainment program but, rather, a whole
new concept in sports entertainment gene therapy, with its
purchase early this morning of the USPS Cycling Team. Rather
than turning the Krispy Kreme Cycling Team into just a more
rowdy, raucous, brutal, offensive, stupid, ugly version of
its current self, Krispy Kreme will use the Krispy Kreme
Cycling Team to turn cycling into a calmer, more objective,
more dispassionate, jelly-filled, quieter, more cerebral
form of its current self, where tifosi will learn to call in
and berate scumbag doper cyclists with style and grace. So,
starting tomorrow, Krispy Kreme is requiring that anyone who
doesn't already have the gene for getting wood while
thinking about cycling and getting ALL their donut from
Krispy Kreme, whether they like it or not, will have to go
into special rehab centers to be retrofitted. According to
Krispy Kreme owner David Levi, "Cycling, which has
essentially never had appeal for Americans, will now be made
over into sports entertainment with donuts, if you know what
I mean. It's the American way."