Solvang, CA - (February 24, 2004) - Krispy Kreme, or was it Sheryl Crow, today announced today that
Armstrong, had, as of yesterday, completed deals to buy up one of every possible kind of company
that now exists or has ever existed or will ever exist.
"We now own all possibility," said Armstrong, "so it really doesn't matter
was anything in the first place, or if, in fact, it ever even really mattered what."
Pausing momentarily to attempt but fail to cough up huge chunks of phlegm, Armstrong invited all the
seething masses out there to stop wasting their
or, like, trying to 'understand,' and just come on over to Armstrong
Armstrong stated that every time one of his valued customers buys something from Armstrong
Incorporated, they are actually becoming a little more like him, "which is GOOD."
"I am buying companies," said Armstrong, "and our valued seething psychopathic customers are buying
books [about people like me bying companies]. And so they are almost just like me, which is both
GOOD and the name of a Paul Revere and the Raiders hit."
"And speaking of GOOD [which is half the name of a Paul Revere and the Raiders hit]," said
Armstrong, "in case there is any question that our motivation is anything but PURE, we have also
bought the whole Catholic Church."
Armstrong, becoming somewhat impassioned as he addressed reporters, told them that, in fact, he
would personally be taking it upon himself to personally travel the earth, personally taking
EVERYONE's personal confession, himself, in person, one by one.
"If they will all just reach down to the spirit deep inside them and confess their shopping habits
and little consumer hot buttons to me," said Armstrong, "I can help them to a better life -- and can
sell them just the right Trek frameset to be riding along with just the right drug to be on when
riding that bike, and just the right munchy to be munching and just the
sucking them off."
Despite owning the Catholic Church, Armstrong still seemed to display a bit of the sin of pride as
he told reporters how his customer base contains, like, 5 or 10 times as many customers as there are
people in ALL of mankind summed across ALL History.
"We have EVERYBODY and all their aliases and multiple personalities and projections of themselves
real and imagined, too, and our cookie technology recognizes all of them as individuals by the
relative pressure of their fingers on certain keys," said Armstrong. "Behind their back and
unbeknownst to anyone."
According to the Armstrong Incorporated CEO, his customer database was even being bolstered as he
spoke, by the legions of souls waiting outside Time to
These pre-re-incarnates apparently can't wait any longer and are shopping at Armstrong Incorporated
so that when they finally do "arrive," they will already have lots of toaster ovens and unopened
packs of old baseball cards and hand crank Y2K radios, already waiting for them.
"They will, therefore, start off way ahead of the game," said Armstrong. "Ahhh, to be a re-incarnate-in-
waiting again. This is a great time to be not quite yet alive."
Armstrong also stated that, starting today, in order to more quickly drive the few remaining non-Armstrong-
owned businesses out of existence and destroy the world economy, he will make all products
absolutely free, and also pay the shipping out of his own pocket.
"Ultimately," said Armstrong, "we will reap vast long-term profits from this business model, though
this is, of course, totally incomprehensible to mundane minds unable to think outside the old beat-
up UPS crate they were shipped in on."
According to analysts at the venture capital firm of Robert Chung, Connelly, Lafferty, and Longwood,
the new Armstrong Incorporated business model works like this:
Along with the items that customers "purchase" for free, they also receive 1000 free shares of
Armstrong stock. As stockholders, they now feel it incumbent upon themselves to go out and find
anyone who's not buying everything from Armstrong -- and kill them.
This drives the value of Armstrong stock perpetually higher as "Wall Street" sees it getting ever
closer to the point where ALL non-Armstrong purchasing
for whatever shoddy piece of [censored] it can find to sell. At that point, the company could begin to see
actual profits.
Unfortunately, according to analyst Robert Chung, Connelly, Lafferty, and Longwood, the total of all
Armstrong profits liberally extrapolated till the end of Time, is apparently still only just enough
to buy either 100 Phenobarbitals and a bottle of Stoli or a shotgun and a footrest -- both totally
free and always in stock despite huge demand -- down at the Armstrong general store, just off
interstate 9.
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