Any parent will know, to their cost (literally), that a young swimmer's
street cred nowadays depends not on performance in the water, but on having
the right collection of equipment to take to the pool. Clothes must all have
the right logo, their other functions being of secondary importance. The
rest of the stuff will be familiar. Several costumes (latest cut and logo of
course), patent flannel, several towels, anti-chlorine shampoo, conditioner,
skin care products, hair dryer, several sets of flippers -(oops sorry,
fins), specially shaped pull buoy and kick board, several types of paddles,
swim mitts, heart monitor, drinking bottles, stop watch, a dozen pairs of
goggles and two dozen swimming hats. All this requires a huge bag, which
must also carry the logo of the moment.
I have noticed that swimming bags are inversely proportional in size to that
of their owner. This whole trend of this equipment fetish is getting to the
stage where I confidently predict that soon pools will become like a
hypermarket in reverse, with shopping trolleys available in the car park for
the swimmers to unload their clobber to carry it in to the changing room.
I am not qualified to say whether all this stuff is really necessary, but it
is the sine qua non of social acceptance of the young, and since I lost that
status when the Dead Sea wasn't even ill, I'll not comment. I am reminded
however of an a friend at college who decided to develop his puny physique
by buying a Bullworker body-building machine. It gathered dust on display in
the corner of his room for about 6 months at which point he wrote asking for
his money back, on the grounds that owning it had done nothing for him. The
reply he got was as dusty as the machine.
What beats me is how the marketing gurus of the sports equipment companies
can have missed the opportunities for selling specialist equipment to the
more mature swimmer. I know from experience that beyond a certain age,
comfort becomes more important than street cred or even speed, and this
should be the guiding principle. For example, what is worse than getting in
to a cold wet costume? Surely it is not beyond the whit of science to design
a costume warmer which would deliver a warmly caressing garment to the
nether regions. While swimming you could put your socks in there. There is
no treat greater than hot socks, once you are over 40 that is.
That made me think of the anti-verruca rubber socks you sometimes see in
changing rooms. A wider market exists for lightweight wellingtons to get you
through the foot bath without getting your feet cold and wet. Similarly a
pack-down umbrella could be designed to keep those silly pool showers off
you. Ordinary boots and umbrellas are not acceptable - I know as I've been
asked to stop using mine.
I see now that goggle designers are spending thousands to reduce the already
minuscule drag in the water caused by turbulence around the eye sockets. In
my book the money would be better spent on developing goggles you can
actually see through. I have yet to find a pair of anti-mist goggles which
stay anti-mist for more that two swims. The solution is obvious. The only
thing which cured condensation on my windows at home was double glazing, so
how long before double glazed goggles? The only drawback might be the number
of phone calls you would get from people trying to sell them.
Another tendency which increases with age is the frequency with which one
gets overtaken in the pool. A useful accoutrement to help with this would be
a rear view mirror, mounted on the shoulder, so you could move aside if the
overtaker was a friend, or aim your kick if otherwise.
As for these cow-teat drinking bottles swimmers all suck at, I am not
impressed. They ruin a gin and tonic, and beer goes flat in them. So here's
another marketing opportunity - a Portable Poolside Teasmade for during the
swim, and an automatic pint of Guinness which pours itself and stands to
settle five minutes before you get out. There must be a way.
Another useful gizmo for the discerning swimmer would be a portable Corby
trouser press. As many changing rooms suffer the vandalism of having all the
pegs pulled off the wall, clothes often have to be stuffed in to lockers or
left lying on benches. This is not a problem for youths as it generally
improves the look of the sort of things they wear. It's not so welcome
however if you are wearing a month's salary of suit, shoes etc., and you may
be off to see a customer soon after. I have never seen a Corby trouser press
anywhere except in hotel rooms. Strange that.
Whilst in the changing room, a special mirror for senior swimmers would be a
good idea. Many, like me, are the wide bodied type, but don't want to be
reminded of it. Consequently it is common to see us in front of the mirrors
twisting our torsos like Sharron Davies when there's a camera about, to try
to look thinner. The slipped disks this leads to must surely be a drain on
the economy. It would therefore save the National Health Service a fortune
if they paid to have fairground mirrors installed in the changing rooms. The
sort that make you look thin would be just the ticket.
Going in to a business meeting with goggle marks can be off-putting to
customers, so another accessory for the Business Swimmer could be false
glasses to hide behind. Those who already wear spectacles are catered for,
but for those who don't - just think! Not only could you hide your goggle
marks, you could do imitations of Brains from Thunderbirds when the meeting
began to get boring. If your goggle marks were particularly bad you could
add a false nose and moustache to the glasses, and do a Groucho Marx.
Of course many of these things could be made unnecessary if one could afford
a butler to attend you when swimming. Alas that is beyond the purse of most
mortals. It might not work anyway, after all, look at the young. They have
better than a butler - they have a parent, and yet still they seem to need
all that gear. That's the problem of getting old, I just don't understand.
--
Duncan Heenan
(Speaking personally)
-------------------------------------------------
"Pat" <[email hidden]> wrote in message
news:[email hidden]...
Quoted message said:Today at the pool, a young woman arrived with all sorts of pool toys. She
did a few laps prior to put on the various training aids, and I noticed
that their use seemed to dictate her stroke.
For example, she was swimming the front crawl with her arms coming over
her head straight and her hands slapping the water upon entry. When she
put on the hand paddles, this is exactly how she slapped the water. With
her arm straight out, there was no extension under the water after her
hand entered.
Her feet, as she kicked, showed her heels above the water. When she put on
her long swim fins, that was duplicated exactly.
She carried her head completely out of the water--neither ear was in the
water when she breathed.
So, did the long fins cause her to swim with her heels coming out of the
water? Is this correct form? Did the hand paddles lead to the
arm-completely-stretched-out entry of her hand into the water? Her thumb
was entering first, but her hand wasn't tilted down--just flat.
It is so rare that I see somebody at the pool with all of these pool toys
that I thought she must be a competitive college swimmer just using this
pool because it is less crowded. Now, I am beginning to wonder.
Is she doing it right?
Pat in TX
