Dear Benters, I'm adding bacon to my tool kit. See below. Al Kubeluis
He knew he was in trouble last Friday after piloting his BigHa into a remote section of the
Adirondack Reserve in upstate New York, but he had no idea he would eventually be saved by his
breakfast supplies.
Only hours into his solo journey, the sky unexpectedly became dark, and temperatures plunged to the
low 70's, despite the biodome encasing this last remaining stand of forest in the eastern US,
essentially trapping him a godforsaken wilderness when his BigHa's solar cells became inoperative.
Fortunately, McGloin - an administrator at Department of Redundancy Department, and a wilderness
travel re-enactor - had packed a slab of contraband bacon, a fleshy substance derived from pigs,
illegal in the United States since President Chelsea Clinton passed the Vegan Food act of 2026.
McGloin, 105, of the megalopolis of Tilghman Island-St.Michaels-Easton, realized that he had but
one chance to escape before the being mauled by Adirondack's ravenous mutant chipmunks, placed his
illicit bacon on a heating device (a "stove" in wilderness re-enactor terminology).
The scent of cooking animal flesh activated a monitoring station manned by PETA personnel who
transmitted his location to the FBC (Food Beverage and Condiments) Police. That information was
sent to the World Government Coordination Center in Stockholm, which alerted emergency services in
the US State of Ontario.
Just over seven minutes after sending his odoriferous message for help, McGloin was picked up by a
rescue team from the Army's Peacekeeper and Democracy Building Detachment, rotated home from duty
in Iraq only weeks before.
The camping trip was his 12th trip into the park, although on previous trips he had re-enacted
staying at a B&B, driving to scenic overlooks and finding an RV campsite with HBO.
McGloin said forecasts gave no hint of the darkness that would sweep though the area at sunset. He
weathered the failing light and impending darkness for three minutes before deciding to call for
help. "If you get into a situation where it's getting dark, what are the alternatives? Somebody has
got to come for you," he said, adding, "I want my surrogate animatronic Mommy"
McGloin said he still had water and provisions but didn't know when the sun would reappear. "I
didn't feel like I was in dire straits. I just knew that it was getting dark and spooky, and didn't
know if that situation would change for the positive anytime soon." When he heard the approaching
rescuers, confirming that the bacon had actually worked, McGloin said his first thought was, "They
really are coming to save my bacon".
"I'm happy I made the decision to purchase the bacon, and I'm happy the bacon worked, and I'm
really, really really happy nobody got hurt by any of the hot grease that spattered".
Nonetheless, McGloin will return to the park this weekend to recover his BigHa and other gear.
He will be packing a ham and cheese on rye but isn't itching to become the second
PETA-assisted rescue.
"What do you think the chances are I'd pull that again unless I was inches away from a hangnail
or worse? I don't mind being first, but I sure don't want to be caught with my meat out in
public twice".