Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris punched a shark in the face after the shark cracked it's teeth trying to bite Chuck.

Here are some of my favorites

1. Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch, he decides what time it is!
2. Before going to sleep, the boogy man checks under his bed for Chuck Norris.
3. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard, only another fist.

ghostpedal said:

Here are some of my favorites

1. Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch, he decides what time it is!
2. Before going to sleep, the boogy man checks under his bed for Chuck Norris.
3. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard, only another fist.

Excellent ! three I ain't heard !
I sure hope I have my credit card on me if I ever walk into a mall w/ Mr. Norris pitching an ultimate gym.

Alright second post, but I love these things. You might have heard them, but they still crack me up.

• [font=Times New Roman]Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.[/font]
  
• [font=Times New Roman]There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.[/font]
  
• [font=Times New Roman]Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.[/font]
  
• [font=Times New Roman]Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.[/font]
  
• [font=Times New Roman]Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.[/font]
  
• [font=Times New Roman]Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.[/font]
  
• [font=Times New Roman]Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.[/font]
  
• [font=Times New Roman]When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.[/font]
  
• [font=Times New Roman]Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.[/font]
  
• [font=Times New Roman]Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.[/font]
  
• [font=Times New Roman]There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.[/font]
  
• [font=Times New Roman]Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.[/font]
  
• [font=Times New Roman]Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV. [/font]
  
• [font=Times New Roman]Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship[/font]
  
• [font=Times New Roman]Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.[/font]
  
• [font=Times New Roman]There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.[/font]
  
• [font=Times New Roman]When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.[/font]
  
• [font=Times New Roman]When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.[/font]
  
• [font=Times New Roman]Chuck Norris doesn’t shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.[/font]
  
• [font=Times New Roman]In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said, "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.[/font]
  
• [font=Times New Roman]Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.[/font]
  
• [font=Times New Roman]Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.[/font]
  
• [font=Times New Roman]Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don't really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.[/font]
  
• [font=Times New Roman]Chuck Norris makes onions CRY!!![/font]
  

Chuck Norrris went to the Virgin Islands. When he left, they weren't the Virgin Islands anymore. They were just the Islands.

Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can walk on Jesus.
Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

More: web.archive.orgpage2.htmlOpen ↗

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting, he goes killing.
When you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you, when you can't see Chuck Norris, you are seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris doesn't sleep, he waits.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris can eat a Rubix Cube and [censored] it out solved.

chuck norris discovered oprah.

mopar said:

1. Chuck Norris Funny?

Being roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris was once the official method of execution in the state of Texas. However, so many people were commiting heinous crimes just for the opportunity to be roundhouse kicked to death by Chuck Norris, that George H. W. Bush ordered Texas to revert to lethal injection in 1991. This angered Chuck Norris so much that he roundhouse kicked Barbara Bush to death. The Barbara Bush we see today is a cyborg.

Chuch Norris is my hero

Did you people see the Huckabee/Chuck Norris ad?

Not to bring politics into it (I'm not a Huckabee man myself), but the ad is awesome:

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

Maltese said:

Chuch Norris is my hero

I still can't get enough of these. For a real dose go to:

chucknorrisfacts.comchucknorrisfacts.comOpen ↗

if you ride in the heat and know about the inevitable dehydration symptoms this then may have relevance...

cramps get chuck norris

ghostpedal said:

I still can't get enough of these. For a real dose go to:

chucknorrisfacts.comchucknorrisfacts.comOpen ↗

"My God, it's full of stars!" were Dave Bowman's last words after he invaded Chuck Norris' home.

Farkin Funny Stuff....😄

coneofsilence said:

Farkin Funny Stuff....😄

Yeah 😄 ... Here's some more from that linked site...

Quoted message said:

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.
Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay's potato chip.
If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.
What’s known as the UFC, or Ultimate Fighting Championship, doesn’t use its full name, which happens to be “Ultimate Fighting Championship, Non-Chuck-Norris-Division”.
Chuck Norris was what Willis was talkin' about.
Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, except for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats black holes. They taste like chicken.
"Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.
Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.
Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris.
Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Chuck Norris while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
Chuck Norris doesn't go on the internet, he has every internet site stored in his memory. He refreshes webpages by blinking.
If you work in an office with Chuck Norris, don't ask him for his three-hole-punch.
When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Most tough men eat nails for breakfast. Chuck Norris does all of his grocery shopping at Home Depot.
Chuck Norris uses Tabasco Sauce for eye drops.
Dinosaurs went extinct because of the Chuck Norrisaurus.
Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.
The helicopter was invented after Chuck Norris was observed doing 8 roundhouse kicks a second.

Oh... yeah... and before going to sleep every night, the Boogey Man checks under his bed for Chuck Norris... 😄

- Chuck Norris' dog picks up his own sh** because Chuck Norris doesn't take Sh** from anybody.
- The Bible used to be called "Chuck Norris and Pals".