On Tue, 28 Nov 2006 05:56:24 +0000, Art Deco <[email hidden]>
Quoted message said:Quoted message said:Can someone tell me whether Wombats live only in Australia,
or also on other continents?
Apart from zoos, of course.
112
Wombats are found both in New Zealand and Papua New Guinea.
They are considered a delicacy in the latter.
Dear W.F. & A.D.,
"Other continents" implies granting a status to Australia not
necessarily recognized in debates that still smolder in departments of
American Literature:
AUSTRALIA, n. A country lying in the South Sea, whose industrial and
commercial development has been unspeakably retarded by an unfortunate
dispute among geographers as to whether it is a continent or an
island.
--Bierce
Concerning wombats, Mark Twain offered the following information:
"He [Twain's informant] said that the only game-bird in Australia was
the wombat, and the only song-bird the larrikin, and that both were
protected by government. The most beautiful of the native birds was
the bird of Paradise. Next came the two kinds of lyres; not spelt the
same. He said the one kind was dying out, the other thickening up."
--Following the Equator, chapter 8
As for New Zealand, Twain made the following observations concerning a
Professor of Theological Engineering from that country, whose arrival
caused consternation at Yale University:
All people think that New Zealand is close to Australia or Asia, or
somewhere, and that you cross to it on a bridge. But that is not so.
It is not close to anything, but lies by itself, out in the water. It
is nearest to Australia, but still not near. The gap between is very
wide. It will be a surprise to the reader, as it was to me, to learn
that the distance from Australia to New Zealand is really twelve or
thirteen hundred miles, and that there is no bridge. I learned this
from Professor X., of Yale University, whom I met in the steamer on
the great lakes when I was crossing the continent to sail across the
Pacific. I asked him about New Zealand, in order to make
conversation. I supposed he would generalize a little without
compromising himself, and then turn the subject to something he was
acquainted with, and my object would then be attained; the ice would
be broken, and we could go smoothly on, and get acquainted, and have a
pleasant time. But, to my surprise, he was not only not embarrassed
by my question, but seemed to welcome it, and to take a distinct
interest in it. He began to talk--fluently, confidently, comfortably;
and as he talked, my admiration grew and grew; for as the subject
developed under his hands, I saw that he not only knew where New
Zealand was, but that he was minutely familiar with every detail of
its history, politics, religions, and commerce, its fauna, flora,
geology, products, and climatic peculiarities. When he was done, I
was lost in wonder and admiration, and said to myself, he knows
everything; in the domain of human knowledge he is king.
I wanted to see him do more miracles; and so, just for the pleasure of
hearing him answer, I asked him about Hertzegovina, and pariah, and
unique. But he began to generalize then, and show distress. I saw
that with New Zealand gone, he was a Samson shorn of his locks; he was
as other men. This was a curious and interesting mystery, and I was
frank with him, and asked him to explain it.
He tried to avoid it at first; but then laughed and said that after
all, the matter was not worth concealment, so he would let me into the
secret. In substance, this is his story:
"Last autumn I was at work one morning at home, when a card came
up--the card of a stranger. Under the name was printed a line which
showed that this visitor was Professor of Theological Engineering in
Wellington University, New Zealand. I was troubled--troubled, I mean,
by the shortness of the notice. College etiquette required that he be
at once invited to dinner by some member of the Faculty--invited to
dine on that day--not, put off till a subsequent day. I did not quite
know what to do. College etiquette requires, in the case of a foreign
guest, that the dinner-talk shall begin with complimentary references
to his country, its great men, its services to civilization, its seats
of learning, and things like that; and of course the host is
responsible, and must either begin this talk himself or see that it is
done by some one else. I was in great difficulty; and the more I
searched my memory, the more my trouble grew. I found that I knew
nothing about New Zealand. I thought I knew where it was, and that
was all. I had an impression that it was close to Australia, or Asia,
or somewhere, and that one went over to it on a bridge. This might
turn out to be incorrect; and even if correct, it would not furnish
matter enough for the purpose at the dinner, and I should expose my
College to shame before my guest; he would see that I, a member of the
Faculty of the first University in America, was wholly ignorant of his
country, and he would go away and tell this, and laugh at it. The
thought of it made my face burn.
"I sent for my wife and told her how I was situated, and asked for her
help, and she thought of a thing which I might have thought of myself,
if I had not been excited and worried. She said she would go and tell
the visitor that I was out but would be in in a few minutes; and she
would talk, and keep him busy while I got out the back way and hurried
over and make Professor Lawson give the dinner. For Lawson knew
everything, and could meet the guest in a creditable way and save the
reputation of the University. I ran to Lawson, but was disappointed.
He did not know anything about New Zealand. He said that, as far as
his recollection went it was close to Australia, or Asia, or
somewhere, and you go over to it on a bridge; but that was all he
knew. It was too bad. Lawson was a perfect encyclopedia of abstruse
learning; but now in this hour of our need, it turned out that he did
not know any useful thing.
"We consulted. He saw that the reputation of the University was in
very real peril, and he walked the floor in anxiety, talking, and
trying to think out some way to meet the difficulty. Presently he
decided that we must try the rest of the Faculty--some of them might
know about New Zealand. So we went to the telephone and called up the
professor of astronomy and asked him, and he said that all he knew
was, that it was close to Australia, or Asia, or somewhere, and you
went over to it on----
"We shut him off and called up the professor of biology, and he said
that all he knew was that it was close to Aus----.
"We shut him off, and sat down, worried and disheartened, to see if we
could think up some other scheme. We shortly hit upon one which
promised well, and this one we adopted, and set its machinery going at
once. It was this. Lawson must give the dinner. The Faculty must be
notified by telephone to prepare. We must all get to work diligently,
and at the end of eight hours and a half we must come to dinner
acquainted with New Zealand; at least well enough informed to appear
without discredit before this native. To seem properly intelligent we
should have to know about New Zealand's population, and politics, and
form of government, and commerce, and taxes, and products, and ancient
history, and modern history, and varieties of religion, and nature of
the laws, and their codification, and amount of revenue, and whence
drawn, and methods of collection, and percentage of loss, and
character of climate, and--well, a lot of things like that; we must
suck the maps and cyclopedias dry. And while we posted up in this way,
the Faculty's wives must flock over, one after the other, in a
studiedly casual way, and help my wife keep the New Zealander quiet,
and not let him get out and come interfering with our studies. The
scheme worked admirably; but it stopped business, stopped it entirely.
"It is in the official log-book of Yale, to be read and wondered at by
future generations--the account of the Great Blank Day--the memorable
Blank Day--the day wherein the wheels of culture were stopped, a
Sunday silence prevailed all about, and the whole University stood
still while the Faculty read-up and qualified itself to sit at meat,
without shame, in the presence of the Professor of Theological
Engineering from New Zealand:
"When we assembled at the dinner we were miserably tired and worn--but
we were posted. Yes, it is fair to claim that. In fact, erudition is
a pale name for it. New Zealand was the only subject; and it was just
beautiful to hear us ripple it out. And with such an air of
unembarrassed ease, and unostentatious familiarity with detail, and
trained and seasoned mastery of the subject-and oh, the grace and
fluency of it!
"Well, finally somebody happened to notice that the guest was looking
dazed, and wasn't saying anything. So they stirred him up, of course.
Then that man came out with a good, honest, eloquent compliment that
made the Faculty blush. He said he was not worthy to sit in the
company of men like these; that he had been silent from admiration;
that he had been silent from another cause also--silent from
shame--silent from ignorance! 'For,' said he, 'I, who have lived
eighteen years in New Zealand and have served five in a professorship,
and ought to know much about that country, perceive, now, that I know
almost nothing about it. I say it with shame, that I have learned
fifty times, yes, a hundred times more about New Zealand in these two
hours at this table than I ever knew before in all the eighteen years
put together. I was silent because I could not help myself. What I
knew about taxes, and policies, and laws, and revenue, and products,
and history, and all that multitude of things, was but general, and
ordinary, and vague-unscientific, in a word--and it would have been
insanity to expose it here to the searching glare of your amazingly
accurate and all-comprehensive knowledge of those matters, gentlemen.
I beg you to let me sit silent--as becomes me. But do not change the
subject; I can at least follow you, in this one; whereas if you change
to one which shall call out the full strength of your mighty
erudition, I shall be as one lost. If you know all this about a
remote little inconsequent patch like New Zealand, ah, what wouldn't
you know about any other Subject!'"
--Following the Equator, Chapter 26
As for trolls, both Bierce and Twain maintain an enigmatic silence.
Cheers,
Carl Fogel
