Joque Du Jour, WARNING, adult humor! ;-)

OmManiPadmeOmelet <[email hidden]> wrote in news:Omelet-
[email hidden]:

Quoted message said:

Just got this by e-mail, apologies to those it offends but I really
thought it was too funny not to share...... ;-D

Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.
One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices
there's a "Nicoderm" patch on it.  He looks at the other
priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to put that
patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis."

The other one replies, "It's working just fine.  I'm down
to two butts a day."

Release the hounds!!!

Andy

In article said:

OmManiPadmeOmelet <[email hidden]> wrote in news:Omelet-
[email hidden]:

Quoted message said:

Just got this by e-mail, apologies to those it offends but I really
thought it was too funny not to share...... ;-D

Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.
One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices
there's a "Nicoderm" patch on it.  He looks at the other
priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to put that
patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis."

The other one replies, "It's working just fine.  I'm down
to two butts a day."

Release the hounds!!!

Andy

;-)
--
Peace!
Om

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a Son of a [censored]"
-- Jack Nicholson

"OmManiPadmeOmelet" <[email hidden]> wrote in message
news:[email hidden]...

Quoted message said:

Just got this by e-mail, apologies to those it offends but I really
thought it was too funny not to share...... ;-D

Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.
One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices
there's a "Nicoderm" patch on it. He looks at the other
priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to put that
patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis."

The other one replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down
to two butts a day."
--
Peace!
Om

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a Son of a [censored]"
-- Jack Nicholson

this definitely requires another penis joke:

A couple were planning their wedding and the bride insisted that the groom
get a tattoo of her name to show his undying affection for her. The bride
was a little less conservative than the groom and he took a lot of
persuading before he finally agreed. He did insist that it be somewhere
'where no one will ever see it but us'. She said sure, tattoo my name on
your penis. He was in shock at the suggestion, but eventually came around
when the bride, whose name, by the way, was Wendy, told him that the tattoo
could be put on while his member was erect and when flaccid, it would only
show 'Wy', not enough to bring attention to it.

The groom got tattooed and they got married. Now off to the Islands for
their honeymoon. They party hard and after a long night at one club, the
groom has to relieve himself. Standing at the urinal, he casually looks
over to a Jamaican gentleman also relieving himself, and lo and behold, he
also has 'Wy' tattooed on his penis. The groom asks the Jamaican, 'is your
wife named Wendy?" "No, mon, no wife, why you ask such a question?"
"Well, you have Wy on your penis, just like I do. Mine is for Wendy". He
then explains the rationale of why it is there. The Jamaican starts to
laugh riotously. The groom inquires what is so funny.......The Jamaican can
hardly contain his laughter.......and says.....

(are you ready for this)

'mine says "Welcome to Jamaica, mon, Have a Nice Day" !

Virginia Tadrzynski said:

"OmManiPadmeOmelet" <[email hidden]> wrote in message
news:[email hidden]...

Quoted message said:

Just got this by e-mail, apologies to those it offends but I really
thought it was too funny not to share...... ;-D

Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.
One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices
there's a "Nicoderm" patch on it. He looks at the other
priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to put that
patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis."

The other one replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down
to two butts a day."
--
Peace!
Om

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a Son of a [censored]"
-- Jack Nicholson

this definitely requires another penis joke:

A couple were planning their wedding and the bride insisted that the groom
get a tattoo of her name to show his undying affection for her. The bride
was a little less conservative than the groom and he took a lot of
persuading before he finally agreed. He did insist that it be somewhere
'where no one will ever see it but us'. She said sure, tattoo my name on
your penis. He was in shock at the suggestion, but eventually came around
when the bride, whose name, by the way, was Wendy, told him that the tattoo
could be put on while his member was erect and when flaccid, it would only
show 'Wy', not enough to bring attention to it.

The groom got tattooed and they got married. Now off to the Islands for
their honeymoon. They party hard and after a long night at one club, the
groom has to relieve himself. Standing at the urinal, he casually looks
over to a Jamaican gentleman also relieving himself, and lo and behold, he
also has 'Wy' tattooed on his penis. The groom asks the Jamaican, 'is your
wife named Wendy?" "No, mon, no wife, why you ask such a question?"
"Well, you have Wy on your penis, just like I do. Mine is for Wendy". He
then explains the rationale of why it is there. The Jamaican starts to
laugh riotously. The groom inquires what is so funny.......The Jamaican can
hardly contain his laughter.......and says.....

(are you ready for this)

'mine says "Welcome to Jamaica, mon, Have a Nice Day" !

reminds me of a few Navy buds of mine(those who are swabbies know who
and what BUDS are) who have a couple of these type of tattoos.

One literally has the words "your name" tattooed on his unit so he can
tell women that "I have your name tattooed on my [censored]"

the other BUDS friend of mine had a rooster hanging by a noose tattooed
on his calf so he can tell women that "i have a [censored] hanging below my knee"

Grizzman

In article <[email hidden]>, "Virginia

Tadrzynski said:

"OmManiPadmeOmelet" <[email hidden]> wrote in message
news:[email hidden]...

Quoted message said:

Just got this by e-mail, apologies to those it offends but I really
thought it was too funny not to share...... ;-D

Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.
One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices
there's a "Nicoderm" patch on it. He looks at the other
priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to put that
patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis."

The other one replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down
to two butts a day."

this definitely requires another penis joke:

A couple were planning their wedding and the bride insisted that the groom
get a tattoo of her name to show his undying affection for her. The bride
was a little less conservative than the groom and he took a lot of
persuading before he finally agreed. He did insist that it be somewhere
'where no one will ever see it but us'. She said sure, tattoo my name on
your penis. He was in shock at the suggestion, but eventually came around
when the bride, whose name, by the way, was Wendy, told him that the tattoo
could be put on while his member was erect and when flaccid, it would only
show 'Wy', not enough to bring attention to it.

The groom got tattooed and they got married. Now off to the Islands for
their honeymoon. They party hard and after a long night at one club, the
groom has to relieve himself. Standing at the urinal, he casually looks
over to a Jamaican gentleman also relieving himself, and lo and behold, he
also has 'Wy' tattooed on his penis. The groom asks the Jamaican, 'is your
wife named Wendy?" "No, mon, no wife, why you ask such a question?"
"Well, you have Wy on your penis, just like I do. Mine is for Wendy". He
then explains the rationale of why it is there. The Jamaican starts to
laugh riotously. The groom inquires what is so funny...The Jamaican can
hardly contain his laughter...
mine says "Welcome to Jamaica, mon, Have a Nice Day" !

Having a nice day [From: [email hidden] (Geenius@Wrok)
in Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny, a couple of years ago.]
<quoting>
The recent Home Depot joke reminds me of an experience at a bookstore
I used to work at. The store prided itself on customer service, and
one thing we were taught there was not to tell customers, "Have a nice
day," after we rang them out, purportedly because it sounded shallow
and insincere. Instead, we were supposed to say, "Enjoy your books."

So one day a woman comes up to my register with a copy of Yellow Silk
("Journal of Erotic Arts"😉, Nancy Friday's "My Secret Garden: Women's
Sexual Fantasies," and Betty Dodson's "Sex for One: The Joy of
Selfloving."

I said, "Have a nice day."
</quoting>

Cheers, Phred.

--
[email hidden]

"Phred" <[email hidden]> wrote

Quoted message said:

So one day a woman comes up to my register with a copy of Yellow Silk
("Journal of Erotic Arts"😉, Nancy Friday's "My Secret Garden: Women's
Sexual Fantasies," and Betty Dodson's "Sex for One: The Joy of
Selfloving."

I said, "Have a nice day."

(laugh!) Imagine if I'd bought these books (I have) at your
store on the same day ... one about writing wills and a copy of
Final Exit.

Enjoy my books, indeed. You have a nice day.

nancy

In article said:

"Phred" <[email hidden]> wrote

Quoted message said:

So one day a woman comes up to my register with a copy of Yellow Silk
("Journal of Erotic Arts"😉, Nancy Friday's "My Secret Garden: Women's
Sexual Fantasies," and Betty Dodson's "Sex for One: The Joy of
Selfloving."

I said, "Have a nice day."

(laugh!) Imagine if I'd bought these books (I have) at your
store on the same day ...

Hey, Nance! I was *quoting* that stuff, not *saying* it! :-)

Quoted message said:

one about writing wills and a copy of Final Exit.

Our local ABC Radio program had an interview with "The Gem Lady" this
morning. Seems she knows all about gemstones; but the thing that
stuck in my mind was her story of the company that offers a service
for turning cadavers into diamonds. (Puts a different complexion on
that "Diamonds are forever" stuff. :-) She cited the case of a bloke
who dropped off this mortal coil unexpectedly and relatively young.
The family had him thus transformed so the daughters could wear Dad at
their weddings.

Quoted message said:

Enjoy my books, indeed. You have a nice day.

Cheers, Phred.

--
[email hidden]

The business that will turn cremains into diamonds is called Life Gem,
and they have a web site. It's rather surreal.

Quoted message said:

Our local ABC Radio program had an interview with "The Gem Lady" this
morning. Seems she knows all about gemstones; but the thing that
stuck in my mind was her story of the company that offers a service
for turning cadavers into diamonds. (Puts a different complexion on
that "Diamonds are forever" stuff. :-) She cited the case of a bloke
who dropped off this mortal coil unexpectedly and relatively young.
The family had him thus transformed so the daughters could wear Dad at
their weddings.

Quoted message said:

Enjoy my books, indeed. You have a nice day.

Cheers, Phred.

--
[email hidden]

In article <[email hidden]>,

Virginia Tadrzynski said:

"OmManiPadmeOmelet" <[email hidden]> wrote in message
news:[email hidden]...

Quoted message said:

Just got this by e-mail, apologies to those it offends but I really
thought it was too funny not to share...... ;-D

Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.
One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices
there's a "Nicoderm" patch on it. He looks at the other
priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to put that
patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis."

The other one replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down
to two butts a day."
--
Peace!
Om

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a Son of a [censored]"
-- Jack Nicholson

this definitely requires another penis joke:

A couple were planning their wedding and the bride insisted that the groom
get a tattoo of her name to show his undying affection for her. The bride
was a little less conservative than the groom and he took a lot of
persuading before he finally agreed. He did insist that it be somewhere
'where no one will ever see it but us'. She said sure, tattoo my name on
your penis. He was in shock at the suggestion, but eventually came around
when the bride, whose name, by the way, was Wendy, told him that the tattoo
could be put on while his member was erect and when flaccid, it would only
show 'Wy', not enough to bring attention to it.

The groom got tattooed and they got married. Now off to the Islands for
their honeymoon. They party hard and after a long night at one club, the
groom has to relieve himself. Standing at the urinal, he casually looks
over to a Jamaican gentleman also relieving himself, and lo and behold, he
also has 'Wy' tattooed on his penis. The groom asks the Jamaican, 'is your
wife named Wendy?" "No, mon, no wife, why you ask such a question?"
"Well, you have Wy on your penis, just like I do. Mine is for Wendy". He
then explains the rationale of why it is there. The Jamaican starts to
laugh riotously. The groom inquires what is so funny.......The Jamaican can
hardly contain his laughter.......and says.....

(are you ready for this)

'mine says "Welcome to Jamaica, mon, Have a Nice Day" !

<lol> I'd seen this one... It's one of my favorites. ;-)
--
Peace!
Om

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a Son of a [censored]"
-- Jack Nicholson

In article <[email hidden]>,

(Phred) said:

Having a nice day [From: [email hidden] (Geenius@Wrok)
in Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny, a couple of years ago.]
<quoting>
The recent Home Depot joke reminds me of an experience at a bookstore
I used to work at. The store prided itself on customer service, and
one thing we were taught there was not to tell customers, "Have a nice
day," after we rang them out, purportedly because it sounded shallow
and insincere. Instead, we were supposed to say, "Enjoy your books."

So one day a woman comes up to my register with a copy of Yellow Silk
("Journal of Erotic Arts"😉, Nancy Friday's "My Secret Garden: Women's
Sexual Fantasies," and Betty Dodson's "Sex for One: The Joy of
Selfloving."

I said, "Have a nice day."
</quoting>

Cheers, Phred.

<giggles>

Reminds me of fortune cookies...
(hey it's food related!)

When you read the fortune from your fortune cookie, add the words "in
bed" to any of the fortunes.

It can get to be pretty hilarious, especially if you are "out with the
girls" for lunch. ;-)
--
Peace!
Om

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a Son of a [censored]"
-- Jack Nicholson

In article <[email hidden]>,

Nancy Young said:

"Phred" <[email hidden]> wrote

Quoted message said:

So one day a woman comes up to my register with a copy of Yellow Silk
("Journal of Erotic Arts"😉, Nancy Friday's "My Secret Garden: Women's
Sexual Fantasies," and Betty Dodson's "Sex for One: The Joy of
Selfloving."

I said, "Have a nice day."

(laugh!) Imagine if I'd bought these books (I have) at your
store on the same day ... one about writing wills and a copy of
Final Exit.

Enjoy my books, indeed. You have a nice day.

nancy

Mm, there is a newsgroup alt.suicide.methods

Seems to have a rather high turnover. ;->
--
Peace!
Om

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a Son of a [censored]"
-- Jack Nicholson

In article <[email hidden]>,

(Phred) said:

In article <[email hidden]>, "Nancy Young"

Quoted message said:

"Phred" <[email hidden]> wrote

Quoted message said:

So one day a woman comes up to my register with a copy of Yellow Silk
("Journal of Erotic Arts"😉, Nancy Friday's "My Secret Garden: Women's
Sexual Fantasies," and Betty Dodson's "Sex for One: The Joy of
Selfloving."

I said, "Have a nice day."

(laugh!) Imagine if I'd bought these books (I have) at your
store on the same day ...

Hey, Nance! I was *quoting* that stuff, not *saying* it! :-)

Quoted message said:

one about writing wills and a copy of Final Exit.

Our local ABC Radio program had an interview with "The Gem Lady" this
morning. Seems she knows all about gemstones; but the thing that
stuck in my mind was her story of the company that offers a service
for turning cadavers into diamonds. (Puts a different complexion on
that "Diamonds are forever" stuff. :-) She cited the case of a bloke
who dropped off this mortal coil unexpectedly and relatively young.
The family had him thus transformed so the daughters could wear Dad at
their weddings.

Quoted message said:

Enjoy my books, indeed. You have a nice day.

Cheers, Phred.

Oh gods... you WOULD go there:

http://www.lifegem.com/

I have that site bookmarked. My mother was a serious rockhound and
gemstone lover. I have her ashes and have more than once considered
doing this, just because I knew she'd approve. It's expensive tho'.

It's hard not to do weird things sometimes when someone that meant the
world to you dies. This really is a very, very well done website, and
they also do pets. I can't peruse it without crying.
--
Peace!
Om

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a Son of a [censored]"
-- Jack Nicholson

"OmManiPadmeOmelet" <[email hidden]> wrote in message
news:[email hidden]...

Quoted message said:

In article <[email hidden]>,

(Phred) said:

In article <[email hidden]>, "Nancy Young"

Quoted message said:

"Phred" <[email hidden]> wrote

> So one day a woman comes up to my register with a copy of Yellow Silk
> ("Journal of Erotic Arts"😉, Nancy Friday's "My Secret Garden: Women's
> Sexual Fantasies," and Betty Dodson's "Sex for One: The Joy of
> Selfloving."
>
> I said, "Have a nice day."

(laugh!) Imagine if I'd bought these books (I have) at your
store on the same day ...

Hey, Nance! I was *quoting* that stuff, not *saying* it! :-)

Quoted message said:

one about writing wills and a copy of Final Exit.

Our local ABC Radio program had an interview with "The Gem Lady" this
morning. Seems she knows all about gemstones; but the thing that
stuck in my mind was her story of the company that offers a service
for turning cadavers into diamonds. (Puts a different complexion on
that "Diamonds are forever" stuff. :-) She cited the case of a bloke
who dropped off this mortal coil unexpectedly and relatively young.
The family had him thus transformed so the daughters could wear Dad at
their weddings.

Quoted message said:

Enjoy my books, indeed. You have a nice day.

Cheers, Phred.

Oh gods... you WOULD go there:

http://www.lifegem.com/

I have that site bookmarked. My mother was a serious rockhound and
gemstone lover. I have her ashes and have more than once considered
doing this, just because I knew she'd approve. It's expensive tho'.

It's hard not to do weird things sometimes when someone that meant the
world to you dies. This really is a very, very well done website, and
they also do pets. I can't peruse it without crying.
--
Peace!
Om

The American Legion magazine had an article in it a while back about other
'options' to standard burials and cremations. They covered the jewel part,
the 'green' burial (plain linen wrappings in a biodegradable cardboard box),
being blasted into the great outer space or becoming a reef. My BIL liked
the reef idea.
-Ginny

In article <[email hidden]>, "Virginia

Tadrzynski said:

"OmManiPadmeOmelet" <[email hidden]> wrote in message
news:[email hidden]...

Quoted message said:

In article <[email hidden]>,

(Phred) said:

In article <[email hidden]>, "Nancy Young"
<[email hidden]> wrote:

[snip]

Quoted message said:

Quoted message said:

Quoted message said:

>one about writing wills and a copy of Final Exit.

Our local ABC Radio program had an interview with "The Gem Lady" this
morning. Seems she knows all about gemstones; but the thing that
stuck in my mind was her story of the company that offers a service
for turning cadavers into diamonds. (Puts a different complexion on
that "Diamonds are forever" stuff. :-) She cited the case of a bloke
who dropped off this mortal coil unexpectedly and relatively young.
The family had him thus transformed so the daughters could wear Dad at
their weddings.

[...]

Quoted message said:

Quoted message said:

Oh gods... you WOULD go there: http://www.lifegem.com/

I have that site bookmarked. My mother was a serious rockhound and
gemstone lover. I have her ashes and have more than once considered
doing this, just because I knew she'd approve. It's expensive tho'.

It's hard not to do weird things sometimes when someone that meant the
world to you dies. This really is a very, very well done website, and
they also do pets. I can't peruse it without crying.

The American Legion magazine had an article in it a while back about other
'options' to standard burials and cremations. They covered the jewel part,
the 'green' burial (plain linen wrappings in a biodegradable cardboard box),
being blasted into the great outer space or becoming a reef. My BIL liked
the reef idea.

I reckon just about anything is preferable to all this nonsense with
coffins worth thousands of dollars and the rest of it -- fat lot of
good it does the poor bugger in the thing anyway! A cheap cardboard
box and a good compost heap is the way to go -- grow something decent
instead of just anaerobic bacteria. The diamond idea is pretty good
too, if someone wants to keep you about the house. Certainly a lot
tidier than an urn full of ashes that could get knocked off the shelf
and you end up in a vacuum cleaner.

Cheers, Phred.

--
[email hidden]

"Phred" <[email hidden]> wrote

Quoted message said:

Our local ABC Radio program had an interview with "The Gem Lady" this
morning. Seems she knows all about gemstones; but the thing that
stuck in my mind was her story of the company that offers a service
for turning cadavers into diamonds.

Been wracking my brain (okay, not really) to think of
where I'd heard of such a thing. At last it hit me, of all
shows it was the funeral home manager/owner/whatever
on that show that takes place in a real funeral home.
Family Plots. He had that done with his son's remains.

nancy

In article <[email hidden]>,

Nancy Young said:

"Phred" <[email hidden]> wrote

Quoted message said:

Our local ABC Radio program had an interview with "The Gem Lady" this
morning. Seems she knows all about gemstones; but the thing that
stuck in my mind was her story of the company that offers a service
for turning cadavers into diamonds.

Been wracking my brain (okay, not really) to think of
where I'd heard of such a thing. At last it hit me, of all
shows it was the funeral home manager/owner/whatever
on that show that takes place in a real funeral home.
Family Plots. He had that done with his son's remains.

nancy

I posted a link to the "lifegems" site.
It really is worth perusing IMHO.
--
Peace!
Om

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a Son of a [censored]"
-- Jack Nicholson