D A M N I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world
can go to hell for up to 8 full hours
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E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Suppository that eliminates
melancholy and loneliness by
reminding you of how awful
they were as teenagers
and how you couldn't wait
'til they moved out.
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ST. M O M M A'S W O R T
Plant extract that treats
mom's depression by rendering
preschoolers unconscious
for up to two days.
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P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone drink for single women.
Two full cups swallowed before an
evening out increases breast size,
decreases intelligence,
and prevents conception.
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D U M B E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo,
can cause dangerously low IQ,
resulting in enjoyment of
country music and pickup trucks.
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F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of
commuters by controlling road rage
and the urge to flip off other drivers.
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M E N I C I L L I N
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women.
Increases resistance to such
lethal lines as, "You make me
want to be a better person.
Can we get naked now?"
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B U Y A G R A
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency,
duration, and credit limit
of spending spree.
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J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man
who can't remember your birthday,
anniversary, phone number,
or to lift the toilet seat.
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A N T I - T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet
to be used on anyone too eager
to share their life stories with total
strangers in elevators.
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N A G A M E N T
When administered to a boyfriend or
husband, provides the same irritation
level as nagging him.