John Cleese's Letter to the US
To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of your
failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern
yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence,
effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume
monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other
territories.
Except Utah, which she does not fancy.
Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the
97.85%
of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside
your
borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for
further
elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be
circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid
in the
transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are
introduced
with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then
look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at
just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and
'neighbour',
skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part.
Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the
letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced
'zed' not 'zee'😉 and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix
"ise".
You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g.
Edinburgh.
You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope
with
correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to
acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven
words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is
an
unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up
"interspersed".
There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're
not
old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat
shows.
When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use
bad
language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know
on
your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
account
of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.
It
really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney,
upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have
to
learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as
"Taggart"
will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about
regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in
England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling
it
Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire,
Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
the
good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play
English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or
"Red
Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American
audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political
incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
Queen",
but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind
of
football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good
game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your
borders
may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will
no
longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a
difficult
game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play
rugby
(which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping
for
a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like
nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens
side by
2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host
an
event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside
of
America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world
beyond
your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you
will
be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball
without
fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no
longer
be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a
vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to
handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you
wish to
carry a vegetable peeler in public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive
Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are [censored] and it is for
your
own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we
mean.
All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will
start
driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will
go
metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion
tables.
Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense
of
humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries
are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though
97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe)
are
not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on
calling
potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut
and
fried in
animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which
should be
served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive
with
customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to
all
tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be
doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer
at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will
be
referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted
provenance
will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as
"American
Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine",
with the
exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose
product
will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will
allow
true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen,
Czech
Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as
you
will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with
the
former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former
USA and
the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices(roughly $6/US
gallon - get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists
shows
that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be
handled
by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing
someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to
handle
a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly
to
ensure the acquisition of all revenues due backdated to 1776).
16. Last but not the least, and for heaven's sake.....it's Nuclear as
in
"clear" NOT Nucular.
Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day
John Cleese