GizmoDuck said:
They need to increase the MUni distances too. An 8min sprint is not
MUNI IMHO.
Reading 'this thread'
(http://www.unicyclist.com/forums/showthread.php?t=44477) made me think
there's a gap in the spectrum of races out there. To that end I propose
a new event; the 20km British Muni Race.
The event basically consists of a start point and an end point, roughly
20km apart. Preferably one of these points will be in the middle of a
muddy field in the middle of nowhere on a drizzly day, but this is
optional.
Competitors must (obviously) get from the start point to the end point.
The time taken to accomplish this is not taken into account; the race
uses a "British-ness" scoring system based on point allocations by
independent adjudicators.
Points will be awarded in the following categories:
BEFORE THE RACE
- Punctuality. The race will be advertised as "xx:00am for xx:30am";
starting at or before the advertised time will lose points. Points
awarded will ramp up after the start, then begin to fall again when the
adjudicators start whinging about having to stand around in the
freezing cold and rain for the so-and-so-s who are never on time
anyway. This duration is at the discretion of the adjudicators.
- Unicycle preparation. Bonus points for certain mechanical delays,
again at the descretion of the adjudicators. Examples of point-gaining
delays include bringing two cranks of different lengths, two left (or
two right) pedals, or going in search for an allen key of a particular
size due to being too lazy to rummage for the one which is right at the
bottom of the bag under the squashed loaf of soreen and crumpled, soggy
map. Boring delays such as seat height adjustment or crank tightening
will result in points being deducted.
RACE NUTRITION
- Choice of snack. Points will be deducted for fancy-pants energy food
like gels and anything with "isotonic" or "sport" in the name. Points
will be awarded for anything home made or sourced from the bargain
bucket at the local supermarket, or anything totally unsuitable for the
occasion such as expensive Turkish Delight.
- Survivability of snack. Bonus points if the foodstuff in question
ends up squashed into powder or unidentifiable mush before being
consumed. Further bonus points if said powder or mush leaks over
contents of bag.
THE RIDE
- Credible reasons for riding as little of the intended route as
possible. Examples include "I thought we were following -you!-" or "I
was too busy looking at <irrelevant distraction>". The excuse "Another
track looked more fun" is only acceptable if the fun bit turns out to
be really short and leads to a several mile detour on roads or boring
farm tracks.
- Passing as many cake shops as practical. Visiting a single cake shop
more than once will gain points only if the second visit was accidental
due to, for example, looking at the wrong side of the map, or following
navigational advice from someone who can't be trusted to find their way
out of a paper bag. (This rule is intended to ensure the race is open
to all skill levels!) Cake shops that use doilies without needing to be
asked score double points.
- Stopping for lunch at a pub. Points will be awarded depending on the
local beer selection, whether they have run out of that steak pie that
looks so tempting on the menu, and the number of evil glares at the mud
splattered all over their nice clean carpet and seats.
- Saying "to hell with the race" and staying in the pub for the
remainder of the afternoon is an automatic win. Being unable to then
find the way back to the event location is an automatic win for the
following year too.
COMPLETION TIME
The time taken to complete the race will not generally be taken into
account; bonus points will only be awarded if it is something
extraordinary accompanied by a comical tale of navigational
ineptitude.
MISCELLANEOUS
- Recording the event. Bonus points for photographic evidence of other
people falling off, getting wet or generally looking silly. Further
points awarded if the one photo that could look really impressive is
out of focus or is obscured by a finger or camera strap.
- Mud / Blood coverage. Muddy, wet or bloody patches will only score
points if accompanied by a comical story of how they were gained. Bonus
points will be awarded for patches in comical locations, for example
blobs on the face the rider has not noticed.
- Points will be awarded for any other extraordinary tales of goings-on
during the ride not covered by other rules. Embellishment may be used
to improve the score, but points may be removed if the adjudicators
think you're pulling their leg.
- Points will be deducted for uttering anything that sounds vaguely
like "Oooh, my legs are going to ache tomorrow!".
🙂
Phil
--
phil
"Cattle Prods solve most of life's little problems."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
phil's Profile: http://www.unicyclist.com/profile/915
View this thread: http://www.unicyclist.com/thread/44539