An astronomer, a physicist and a mathematician (it is said) were holidaying in Scotland. Glancing
from a train window, they observed a black sheep in the middle of a field.
"How interesting," observed the astronomer, "all scottish sheep are black!"
To which the physicist responded, "No, no! Some Scottish sheep are black!"
The mathematician gazed heavenward in supplication, and then intoned, "In Scotland there exists at
least one field, containing at least one sheep, at least one side of which is black."
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Why mathematicians are afraid drive a car? Because the width of the road is negligible comparing to
its length.
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An engineer, a chemist and a mathematician are staying in three adjoining cabins at an old motel.
First the engineer's coffee maker catches fire. He smells the smoke, wakes up, unplugs the coffee
maker, throws it out the window, and goes back to sleep.
Later that night the chemist smells smoke too. He wakes up and sees that a cigarette butt has set
the trash can on fire. He says to himself, "Hmm. How does one put out a fire? One can reduce the
temperature of the fuel below the flash point, isolate the burning material from oxygen, or both.
This could be accomplished by applying water." So he picks up the trash can, puts it in the shower
stall, turns on the water, and, when the fire is out, goes back to sleep.
The mathematician, of course, has been watching all this out the window. So later, when he finds
that his pipe ashes have set the bedsheet on fire, he is not in the least taken aback. He says:
"Aha! A solution exists!" and goes back to sleep.
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One day a mathematician decides that he is sick of math. So, he walks down to the fire department
and announces that he wants to become a fireman. The fire chief says, "Well, you look like a good
guy. I'd be glad to hire you, but first I have to give you a little test."
The firechief takes the mathematcian to the alley behind the fire department which contains a
dumpster, a spigot, and a hose. The chief then says, "OK, you're walking in the alley and you see
the dumpster here is on fire. What do you do?" The mathematician replies, "Well, I hook up the hose
to the spigot, turn the water on, and put out the fire."
The chief says, "That's great... perfect. Now I have to ask you just one more question. What do you
do if you're walking down the alley and you see the dumpster is not on fire?" The mathematician
puzzles over the question for awhile and he finally says, "I light the dumpster on fire." The chief
yells, "What? That's horrible! Why would you light the dumpster on fire?" The mathematician replies,
"Well, that way I reduce the problem to one I've already solved."
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A mathematician is in Africa trying to capture a lion. When he spots one he proceeds to build a
fence around himself and says, "I define this to be outside!"
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A casualty actuary priced an automobile "Fire and Theft" policy with an extremely low premium. When
asked why it was so cheap, he said, "Who would steal a burnt car?"
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A man with a wooden leg wanted to buy fire insurance for his leg. The first actuary quoted an annual
premium of $500, estimating that the leg would burn once in 20 years and the value of the leg is
$10,000. The second actuary quoted an annual premium of $50. When the second actuary was asked how
he arrived at such a small figure, he replied, "I have this situation in the fire schedule rating
table. The object is a wooden structure with an upper sprinkler, isn't it?"
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What's the difference between an insurance company actuary and a mafia actuary? An insurance company
actuary can tell you how many people will die this year, a mafia actuary can name them.
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What's the difference between an actuary and an accountant? An actuary does much the same thing as
an accountant but lacks the accountant's bright and vivacious personality.
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A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots
on a perch and says, "the parrot on the left costs 500 dollars".
"Why does the parrot cost so much," asks the man. The shop owner says, "well, the parrot knows how
to use a computer".
The man then asks about the next parrot to be told that this one costs 1,000 dollars because it can
do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.
Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot to be told that it costs 2,000
dollars. Needless to say this begs the question, "What can it do?"
To which the shop owner replies, "to be honest I have never seen it do a thing, but the other two
call him boss!"
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The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a competitive boat race. Both teams practiced
hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day the Japanese won by a mile.
The American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the
reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the
problem and recommend corrective action.
The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the
American team had one person rowing and eight people steering. After a year of study and millions
spent analyzing the problem, the American team's management structure was completely reorganized.
The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers, and a new performance
review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive.
The next year, the Japanese won by two miles!
Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a
bonus for discovering the problem.