Club rides that were rejected

Mike Kruger said:

I'm a club newsletter editor. Next issue we publish the new
ride schedule. I'd like to do a humorous sidebar on ride ideas
that were rejected.

Quoted message said:

Dogma Ride Pace: very fast Leader: Butch
Butch has connected all the spots with dogs who love to chase
and snap at your legs, and come up with this route which is
great for interval training. Don't be the slowest cyclist on
this ride!

Hospital Ride Pace: slow Leader: Nurse Ratchett
This ride visits various sites where club members have had
accidents in the past few years. In some cases, the skid marks
are still there on the road!

Brickyard Tour Pace: fast Leader: Red
This route winds through the brick sidestreets of Wilmette,
allowing you to pretend you are riding in one of those spring
European classics as you bump along. This ride goes rain or
shine. Lunch at the Klay Oven restaurant.

Sounds like some rides I've been on. I'm guessing the Brickyard Tour was a
real ride.

Art Harris

Mike Kruger said:

I'm a club newsletter editor. Next issue we publish the new
ride schedule. I'd like to do a humorous sidebar on ride ideas
that were rejected. Here's what I have so far. Any other
ideas?

Dogma Ride Pace: very fast Leader: Butch
Butch has connected all the spots with dogs who love to chase
and snap at your legs, and come up with this route which is
great for interval training. Don't be the slowest cyclist on
this ride!

Hospital Ride Pace: slow Leader: Nurse Ratchett
This ride visits various sites where club members have had
accidents in the past few years. In some cases, the skid marks
are still there on the road!

Brickyard Tour Pace: fast Leader: Red
This route winds through the brick sidestreets of Wilmette,
allowing you to pretend you are riding in one of those spring
European classics as you bump along. This ride goes rain or
shine. Lunch at the Klay Oven restaurant.

So, what are other bad ideas for a club ride?

P.S. One of the rides above is actually from our club schedule
from a couple of years ago. Can you guess which?

How about:

Tour de Major Arterial: A selection of very busy roads frequented by
trucks, buses, emergency vehicles, and commuters in a hurry. Route will
include numerous railroad crossings, traffic lights. No regrouping, dark
clothing only. Fenders not required in case of rain. Ride leaves 4:30PM
or whenever, lights not required after dark. Use of the f-word to talk
to passing motorists will be required and prizes awarded for originality.

Stockyard Ramble, Hog Farm Hejira, or Pulp Mills Perambulation: Enjoy
not only the sights and sounds, but the smells of cycling scenic and
odiferous roads. We'll be stopping for a lunch of red beans and rice,
chili dogs, and garlic paste because by then who cares what everyone in
front of you is doing. Frequent regroups and stops at the sleaziest
bathrooms we can find. Clean shorts optional.

Lung Tasting Tour: Drop it into the big ring and hammer hammer hammer
out of the parking lot. Bring your scabs and your attitude. Special sag
vehicles will run stragglers off the road. Inclement weather will move
ride to local sports bar, where there will be continually arguing over
who would have ridden whom off their wheel at Smuggler's Notch. Custom
bicycles only please.

Recovery Ride: Just getting back from an injury, riding like you are, or
maybe just looking for a little sympathy? This is the ride for you.
Easy pace allows for conserving breath for whining whining whining. No
complaint is disallowed, one-upsmanship will be graded. Rider with the
worst proven injury and most obnoxious complaint will be given a gag at
the end of the ride. Visible open sores cancel.

On Mon, 31 Jan 2005 23:17:15 +0000 (UTC), William Asher <[email hidden]>

Quoted message said:

Mike Kruger said:

I'm a club newsletter editor. Next issue we publish the new
ride schedule. I'd like to do a humorous sidebar on ride ideas
that were rejected. Here's what I have so far. Any other
ideas?

Dogma Ride Pace: very fast Leader: Butch
Butch has connected all the spots with dogs who love to chase
and snap at your legs, and come up with this route which is
great for interval training. Don't be the slowest cyclist on
this ride!

Hospital Ride Pace: slow Leader: Nurse Ratchett
This ride visits various sites where club members have had
accidents in the past few years. In some cases, the skid marks
are still there on the road!

Brickyard Tour Pace: fast Leader: Red
This route winds through the brick sidestreets of Wilmette,
allowing you to pretend you are riding in one of those spring
European classics as you bump along. This ride goes rain or
shine. Lunch at the Klay Oven restaurant.

So, what are other bad ideas for a club ride?

P.S. One of the rides above is actually from our club schedule
from a couple of years ago. Can you guess which?

How about:

Tour de Major Arterial: A selection of very busy roads frequented by
trucks, buses, emergency vehicles, and commuters in a hurry. Route will
include numerous railroad crossings, traffic lights. No regrouping, dark
clothing only. Fenders not required in case of rain. Ride leaves 4:30PM
or whenever, lights not required after dark. Use of the f-word to talk
to passing motorists will be required and prizes awarded for originality.

Stockyard Ramble, Hog Farm Hejira, or Pulp Mills Perambulation: Enjoy
not only the sights and sounds, but the smells of cycling scenic and
odiferous roads. We'll be stopping for a lunch of red beans and rice,
chili dogs, and garlic paste because by then who cares what everyone in
front of you is doing. Frequent regroups and stops at the sleaziest
bathrooms we can find. Clean shorts optional.

Lung Tasting Tour: Drop it into the big ring and hammer hammer hammer
out of the parking lot. Bring your scabs and your attitude. Special sag
vehicles will run stragglers off the road. Inclement weather will move
ride to local sports bar, where there will be continually arguing over
who would have ridden whom off their wheel at Smuggler's Notch. Custom
bicycles only please.

Recovery Ride: Just getting back from an injury, riding like you are, or
maybe just looking for a little sympathy? This is the ride for you.
Easy pace allows for conserving breath for whining whining whining. No
complaint is disallowed, one-upsmanship will be graded. Rider with the
worst proven injury and most obnoxious complaint will be given a gag at
the end of the ride. Visible open sores cancel.

All in favor of naming William to Activities Director say "Aye."

Ron

"William Asher" <[email hidden]> wrote
<a bunch of good stuff>

Thanks.

in message news:[email hidden]...

Quoted message said:

Mike Kruger said:

I'm a club newsletter editor. Next issue we publish the

new

Quoted message said:

Quoted message said:

ride schedule. I'd like to do a humorous sidebar on ride

ideas

Quoted message said:

Quoted message said:

that were rejected. Here's what I have so far. Any other
ideas?

Dogma Ride Pace: very fast Leader: Butch
Butch has connected all the spots with dogs who love to

chase

Quoted message said:

Quoted message said:

and snap at your legs, and come up with this route which

is

Quoted message said:

Quoted message said:

great for interval training. Don't be the slowest cyclist

on

Quoted message said:

Quoted message said:

this ride!

Hospital Ride Pace: slow Leader: Nurse Ratchett
This ride visits various sites where club members have had
accidents in the past few years. In some cases, the skid

marks

Quoted message said:

Quoted message said:

are still there on the road!

Brickyard Tour Pace: fast Leader: Red
This route winds through the brick sidestreets of

Wilmette,

Quoted message said:

Quoted message said:

allowing you to pretend you are riding in one of those

spring

Quoted message said:

Quoted message said:

European classics as you bump along. This ride goes rain

or

Quoted message said:

Quoted message said:

shine. Lunch at the Klay Oven restaurant.

So, what are other bad ideas for a club ride?

P.S. One of the rides above is actually from our club

schedule

Quoted message said:

Quoted message said:

from a couple of years ago. Can you guess which?

How about:

Tour de Major Arterial: A selection of very busy roads

frequented by

Quoted message said:

trucks, buses, emergency vehicles, and commuters in a hurry.

Route will

Quoted message said:

include numerous railroad crossings, traffic lights. No

regrouping, dark

Quoted message said:

clothing only. Fenders not required in case of rain. Ride

leaves 4:30PM

Quoted message said:

or whenever, lights not required after dark. Use of the

f-word to talk

Quoted message said:

to passing motorists will be required and prizes awarded for

originality.

Quoted message said:

Stockyard Ramble, Hog Farm Hejira, or Pulp Mills

Perambulation: Enjoy

Quoted message said:

not only the sights and sounds, but the smells of cycling

scenic and

Quoted message said:

odiferous roads. We'll be stopping for a lunch of red beans

and rice,

Quoted message said:

chili dogs, and garlic paste because by then who cares what

everyone in

Quoted message said:

front of you is doing. Frequent regroups and stops at the

sleaziest

Quoted message said:

bathrooms we can find. Clean shorts optional.

Lung Tasting Tour: Drop it into the big ring and hammer

hammer hammer

Quoted message said:

out of the parking lot. Bring your scabs and your attitude.

Special sag

Quoted message said:

vehicles will run stragglers off the road. Inclement

weather will move

Quoted message said:

ride to local sports bar, where there will be continually

arguing over

Quoted message said:

who would have ridden whom off their wheel at Smuggler's

Notch. Custom

Quoted message said:

bicycles only please.

Recovery Ride: Just getting back from an injury, riding

like you are, or

Quoted message said:

maybe just looking for a little sympathy? This is the ride

for you.

Quoted message said:

Easy pace allows for conserving breath for whining whining

whining. No

Quoted message said:

complaint is disallowed, one-upsmanship will be graded.

Rider with the

Quoted message said:

worst proven injury and most obnoxious complaint will be

given a gag at

Quoted message said:

the end of the ride. Visible open sores cancel.

Another nominee:

Mooch Ride
Live off the land on this ride. Don't bring a pen, a sign-up
sheet, a tube, patch kit or a pump. We'll head up the North
Branch trail on a nice Sunday and borrow gear from passerby if
there are any breakdowns. Rest stop at Panera where we'll eat
the free samples of bagels and cream cheese, or we'll get
taste spoons of ice cream at Baskin-Robbins.

Mike Kruger said:

I'm a club newsletter editor. Next issue we publish the new
ride schedule. I'd like to do a humorous sidebar on ride ideas
that were rejected. Here's what I have so far. Any other
ideas?

Poser Ride:

Only for those with megabuck bikes. We'll put them on our SUV's and
drive to various park and ride lots, then ride a short distance to a
nearby trendy coffee house or deli from each lot. We'll only ride on
perfect roads so put on your special event wheels for maximum admiration
from the masses. Please make sure your jersey and shorts match. New
bar tape and water bottles are mandatory. Bring $50 for snacks and drinks.

--
My bike blog:
http://diabloscott.blogspot.com/

Quoted message said:

Poser Ride:

Only for those with megabuck bikes. We'll put them on our SUV's and
drive to various park and ride lots, then ride a short distance to a
nearby trendy coffee house or deli from each lot. We'll only ride on
perfect roads so put on your special event wheels for maximum admiration
from the masses. Please make sure your jersey and shorts match. New
bar tape and water bottles are mandatory. Bring $50 for snacks and drinks.

Extra credit if your socks match too.

Chris Neary
[email hidden]

"Science, freedom, beauty, adventure: what more could
you ask of life? Bicycling combined all the elements I
loved" - Adapted from a quotation by Charles Lindbergh

Mike Kruger said:

I'm a club newsletter editor. Next issue we publish the new
ride schedule. I'd like to do a humorous sidebar on ride ideas
that were rejected. Here's what I have so far. Any other
ideas?

Ride for Prostate Cancer. This ride benefits prostate
cancer survivors, and is open to male riders of upright
bicycles ("wedgies"😉 with old-style, non-anatomical
saddles ("ass-hatchets"😉.

William Asher said:

I'm a club newsletter editor. Next issue we publish the new
ride schedule. I'd like to do a humorous sidebar on ride ideas
that were rejected. Here's what I have so far. Any other
ideas?

Actual ride just nobody seems to like the concept

The Shortest Day or Precious, it's my Birthday:

Ride from Jamesburg to Bordentown to Sandyhook and back. Enjoy cool
Jersey shore breezes and a leasurely ride along the Delaware as we
ride through the narrowest part of the state. Occasional stops. Gale
force winds or snow accumulation cancels and yes we'll still ride if
it's below freezing.

A/3/130 mile (A = 17 - 18 overall avg, 4 = flat, no hills)

BTW, my club does the Longest Day ride a double century and it is a
December ride.

My friend is working on this:

Hills of the Flatlands: Ride along the Jersey shore as we venture to
every hill we can find. 4000ft total climb and back to sea level.

B/3/70 (B = 16 -17, 3 = some hills)

My current favorite and one I'm working on for this summer:

Dyslexics of the world untie (or it's never a 3 hour tour!):

Come join your fearless leader as we try out new routes which will
include Ft Dix Artillery range (mechanics troubles and we'll abandon
you), the spitting Lama (and you thought dogs were bad!), the Pine
Barrens (there is no one for miles!). And I still haven't learned my
left from my right.

A+,4,130 +/- (A+ = 18+ overall avg, no hills, +/- means we could get
lost and get more miles).

--
Linux Home Automation Neil Cherry [email hidden]
http://home.comcast.net/~ncherry/ (Text only)
http://hcs.sourceforge.net/ (HCS II)
http://linuxha.blogspot.com/ My HA Blog

"Arthur Harris" <[email hidden]> wrote in message
news:[email hidden]...

Quoted message said:

Quoted message said:

Brickyard Tour Pace: fast Leader: Red
This route winds through the brick sidestreets of Wilmette,
allowing you to pretend you are riding in one of those spring
European classics as you bump along. This ride goes rain or
shine. Lunch at the Klay Oven restaurant.

Sounds like some rides I've been on. I'm guessing the Brickyard Tour was a
real ride.

There's one like that that David Robinson leads every year -- I think he
calls it the the Taste of Hell -- as many brick streets in Seattle as he can
find. He says he freaked out the City the first time he asked where they all
were. They thought he was going to complain! You can read a description
here:
http://www.cascade.org/EandR/Activities_Calendar_RDetail.cfm?eventID=2362

--
Warm Regards,

Claire Petersky
Home of the meditative cyclist:
http://home.earthlink.net/~cpetersky/Welcome.htm
Personal page: http://www.geocities.com/cpetersky/

I'm doing the Big Climb for my friend Dena! See:
http://www.active.com/donations/campaign_public.cfm?key=cpetersky

P.S. Can I use any of these for my club newsletter?

--
Warm Regards,

Claire Petersky
Home of the meditative cyclist:
http://home.earthlink.net/~cpetersky/Welcome.htm
Personal page: http://www.geocities.com/cpetersky/

I'm doing the Big Climb for my friend Dena! See:
http://www.active.com/donations/campaign_public.cfm?key=cpetersky

Tour de Thunderbird. No vineyards or tasting rooms on this two-wheeled
adventure. Instead, we'll cruise the industrial part of town, stopping
at several of the club's favorite drive-through liquor stores to stock
up on Cheetohs and top off our "water" bottles. Cycling apparel
discouraged; suggested attire is early Salvation Army. And make sure
those handlebars are in the fully upgright and locked position (that's
right: bar ends to the sky, folks!). We'll be collecting aluminum cans
along the way to fund the post-ride malt-liquor blowout, and you'll
need someplace to tie on your 50-gallon plastic bag to hold the booty.
Sorry, no sag support; we don't have any licensed drivers left in the
club. Meet at 9 am Sunday at the blood bank on South 2nd street.

Little Debbie Season Opener Out'n'Back Training Ride. Break out the
Relaxed Fit spandex, sling on the feedbag, pump up the tires to 135
psi, and lets' roll! We'll meet at Dunkin Donuts, go hard (5-7 mph)
for 4 miles, regroup at the Golden Corral for the Sunday Brunch
All-You-Can-Eat special, and then head back to the starting point. Make
sure you bring a couple of sleeves of Archway cookies to avoid the
dreaded bonk. All the sag wagons will have plenty of Gold Bond powder
and baby oil on hand to ease the discomfort of those early-season
chafed inner thighs.

In article <[email hidden]>,

Claire Petersky said:

"Arthur Harris" <[email hidden]> wrote in message
news:[email hidden]...

Quoted message said:

Quoted message said:

Brickyard Tour Pace: fast Leader: Red
This route winds through the brick sidestreets of Wilmette,
allowing you to pretend you are riding in one of those spring
European classics as you bump along. This ride goes rain or
shine. Lunch at the Klay Oven restaurant.

Sounds like some rides I've been on. I'm guessing the Brickyard Tour was a
real ride.

There's one like that that David Robinson leads every year -- I think he
calls it the the Taste of Hell -- as many brick streets in Seattle as he can
find. He says he freaked out the City the first time he asked where they all
were. They thought he was going to complain! You can read a description
here:
http://www.cascade.org/EandR/Activities_Calendar_RDetail.cfm?eventID=2362

Ha! In our area the local Trek-VW team runs the "Harris-Roubaix" race, a
full-on, sanctioned road race that includes a 1km gravel section each
lap. I did it last year. The gravel chunks were coarse and loose, not
hard-packed, and it's pretty crazy. I got knocked out of the race by a
mechanical caused by getting bumped from behind while waiting to get
onto the gravel (the back of the pack in the big races literally has to
stop and wait to get onto the gravel, because there isn't enough room
through the narrow entrance).

Here's a nice shot of the gravel. Note how the riders make use of the
wheel-ruts, the only viable riding lines on the gravel:

http://www.trekvwracing.com/gallery/roubaix04/pic19.html

Last year saw annoyingly good conditions: sunny skies, mild weather. Not
a hint of rain or cold.

Strangely, my Cat 4/5 DNF isn't on the results table,
--
Ryan Cousineau, [email hidden] http://www.wiredcola.com
Verus de parvis; verus de magnis.

Ryan Cousineau said:

Here's a nice shot of the gravel. Note how the riders make use of the
wheel-ruts, the only viable riding lines on the gravel:

http://www.trekvwracing.com/gallery/roubaix04/pic19.html

Just a guess: you're not a mountain biker, are you?

(Those AREN'T "ruts"! Ruts can swallow bikes whole! 🙂 )

"Claire Petersky" <[email hidden]> wrote in message
news:[email hidden]...

Quoted message said:

"Arthur Harris" <[email hidden]> wrote in message
news:[email hidden]...

Quoted message said:

Quoted message said:

Brickyard Tour Pace: fast Leader: Red
This route winds through the brick sidestreets of

Wilmette,

Quoted message said:

Quoted message said:

Quoted message said:

allowing you to pretend you are riding in one of those

spring

Quoted message said:

Quoted message said:

Quoted message said:

European classics as you bump along. This ride goes rain

or

Quoted message said:

Quoted message said:

Quoted message said:

shine. Lunch at the Klay Oven restaurant.

Sounds like some rides I've been on. I'm guessing the

Brickyard Tour was a

Quoted message said:

Quoted message said:

real ride.

There's one like that that David Robinson leads every

year -- I think he

Quoted message said:

calls it the the Taste of Hell -- as many brick streets in

Seattle as he can

Quoted message said:

find. He says he freaked out the City the first time he

asked where they all

Quoted message said:

were. They thought he was going to complain! You can read a

description

Quoted message said:

here:

http://www.cascade.org/EandR/Activities_Calendar_RDetail.cfm?eventID=2362

Quoted message said:

Art imitates life! My "Brickyard Tour" was (I thought)
fiction -- in fact, there are always a bunch of complaints if
anyone leads a ride through Wilmette on these routes.
Wilmette actually replaces brick streets with new brick
streets -- they are regarded as a traffic-calming device that
also adds charm.

The "real" ride of the ones I posted was the hospital ride, in
which we rode around to sites where club members had been hit
by cars.

I need to find the old narrative from a club in Canada. They did an
all-night ride and hit **every** Tim Horton;\'s (donut shop) in the
metro. The rule was: they had to buy and eat something at every stop.
So they had some TimBits, and a TimPie, and some TimWater...

--Karen M.
happy to find lead articles on UseNet

"Veloise" <[email hidden]> wrote in message
news:[email hidden]...

Quoted message said:

I need to find the old narrative from a club in Canada. They

did an

Quoted message said:

all-night ride and hit **every** Tim Horton;\'s (donut shop)

in the

Quoted message said:

metro. The rule was: they had to buy and eat something at

every stop.

Quoted message said:

So they had some TimBits, and a TimPie, and some TimWater...

--Karen M.
happy to find lead articles on UseNet

That's too close for comfort -- one of our club's most popular
rides is the "hot dog ride", where we stop at several hot dog
stands. A polish here, a chardog there, ... hey, I haven't
had a bratwurst yet... Is it windy enough for a chili dog?

Too many hot dog places in Chicago to hit them all, though.

Bill Sornson said:

Ryan Cousineau said:

Here's a nice shot of the gravel. Note how the riders make use of the
wheel-ruts, the only viable riding lines on the gravel:

http://www.trekvwracing.com/gallery/roubaix04/pic19.html

Just a guess: you're not a mountain biker, are you?

(Those AREN'T "ruts"! Ruts can swallow bikes whole! 🙂 )

I have a ride like that, down by the Jersey shore (in Hawthorn (sp?)
woods) which rides up a gravel road, the ruts tend to be packed but
loose gravel (the rangers drive this road daily). The rest is loose
gravel. I sometimes get complaints about that section because it's
off-roading (pedel too hard and you spin out in the gravel, pedal too
soft and you fall down). There's just pleasing some folk. :-)

--
Linux Home Automation Neil Cherry [email hidden]
http://home.comcast.net/~ncherry/ (Text only)
http://hcs.sourceforge.net/ (HCS II)
http://linuxha.blogspot.com/ My HA Blog

Mike Kruger said:

"Veloise" <[email hidden]> wrote in message
news:[email hidden]...

Quoted message said:

I need to find the old narrative from a club in Canada. They

did an

Quoted message said:

all-night ride and hit **every** Tim Horton;\'s (donut shop)

in the

Quoted message said:

metro. The rule was: they had to buy and eat something at

every stop.

Quoted message said:

So they had some TimBits, and a TimPie, and some TimWater...

--Karen M.
happy to find lead articles on UseNet

That's too close for comfort -- one of our club's most popular
rides is the "hot dog ride", where we stop at several hot dog
stands. A polish here, a chardog there, ... hey, I haven't
had a bratwurst yet... Is it windy enough for a chili dog?

That reminds me of a route I did from the club collection. It ended up
being a 62 mile ride with no stops as we couldn't find a single store
on the route! I haven't done that one since but I now know where every
store is within 5 miles of my routes (this is South Jersey and still
farm land). The reason it reminded me of that was an encounter we had
on my modified version of that ride. There is a store in Chesterfield
that is billed as an Ice Cream shop. There a vegetarian rider took
offense to the way another rider scarfed down a hot dog (I was upset
too, not enough yellow mustard! ;-). Ocasionally we ride for hot dogs!

--
Linux Home Automation Neil Cherry [email hidden]
http://home.comcast.net/~ncherry/ (Text only)
http://hcs.sourceforge.net/ (HCS II)
http://linuxha.blogspot.com/ My HA Blog