Krispy Kreme Buys USPS Cycling Team
Krispy Kreme has purchased the USPS Cycling Team for an undisclosed amount
of threats and a couplea bloody horseheads left in the Post Master General's
bed. Krispy Kreme announced today that it will be starting not just another
sports entertainment program but, rather, a whole new concept in sports
entertainment gene therapy, with its purchase early this morning of the USPS
Cycling Team. Rather than turning the Krispy Kreme Cycling Team into just a
more rowdy, raucous, brutal, offensive, stupid, ugly version of its current
self, Krispy Kreme will use the Krispy Kreme Cycling Team to turn cycling
into a calmer, more objective, more dispassionate, jelly-filled, quieter,
more cerebral form of its current self, where tifosi will learn to call in
and berate scumbag doper cyclists with style and grace. So, starting
tomorrow, Krispy Kreme is requiring that anyone who doesn't already have the
gene for getting wood while thinking about cycling and getting ALL their
donut from Krispy Kreme, whether they like it or not, will have to go into
special rehab centers to be retrofitted. According to Krispy Kreme owner
David Levi, "Cycling, which has essentially never had appeal for Americans,
will now be made over into sports entertainment with donuts, if you know
what I mean. It's the American way."