Woo boy...yoo sissy bysicklers reely are givin' me a case of the
red-ass...
A cupple Sundies ago I spent all day rebuildin' the transmishun in my
'69 Dart so I could run down to the licker store for a case of Pabst
and sum pork rinds. I did this cuz my buddies Cooter and Gus were
gunna come over to the dubble-wide and we were gunna watch us sum
Perfeshunal Bull Riding whilst we took turns flippin' thru the new
"Vicktoria Secret" catalog. Shee-it, I even gave the wife her beatin'
an hour early and made the yungin's go smoke their dope out behind the
propane tank soz that we would'nt have no distrackshuns.
Now, imagine our surprize when we hunkered down in front of the
[censored]-toob for sum good ol' PBR action and insted got sum crappy show
about a bunch of skinny guys ridin' their bysickles all over Frantz!
Bysicklers for krissakes! In Frantz! Now, I admit ol' Cooter got a
little excited when he saw them boyz paradin' about in nuthin' but
their drawers but me and Gus were more [censored] than a one-legged
man in an ass-kickin' contest! I meen, gawddam, BYSICKLIN' on TeeVee?
Hoo in the H-E-dubble-toothpix is gunna watch sumthin' as
ridickyoolus as that? Every swingin' [censored] I know only watches NASCAR,
PBR, rasslin', and the Home Shoppin' Netwerk...
Well, we figgered that this bysicklin' thing wuz just sum kinda sick
joke and that shoorly PBR would come back on anytime so we stayed put
and wound up watching the whole specktickle. Now I gotta tell ya that
this Toor Da Frantz thing seems to be about as much fun as dry-humpin'
a knot-hole in a pine fence.
I reelize it's a brand-new and all but unless sum changes git made
toot-sweet yoo can fergit about seein' it on TeeVee anymore. Feer
not-- cuz me and Cooter and Gus and come up with a cupple suggestions
to make this here Toor Da Frantz a whole lot more watchable for all
sorts of folks like us (and b'leeve me: there's LOTS and LOTS of folks
like us):
#1
First off, yoor gunna have to give out a whole lot better prize than a
just a yeller shirt. Now I like yeller shirts-- wore one when my two
cuzins got hitched last Joon-- but if wanna git the very best
bysicklers out there then I say yoo gotta at least kick in some
coopons to the Dairy Queen or maybe even a case of motor oil.
#2
Give each bysickler a ball-bat or a too-by-fore soz they can whop each
other upside the head. This'll spice things up and plus witch it'll
make 'em all spread out sum.
#3
We like that the fans can jump rite out into the road and knock a
bysickler down if they want. Problem is, we didn't git to see enuff
of that. I say let each bysicklin' teem have a "designated tackler"
in the crowd. This person would be allowed to beat the bejesus outta
any bysickler he wanted but using only his bear hands. Natcherly, the
bysicklers could fend these guys off with their ball-bats and
too-by-fores. They could also start waring flak-jackets, body-armor,
and football helmets to pertect themselfs.
#4
It's a reel shame that this Toor da Frantz had to be run right out in
the middle of the streets like that. It would be a whole lot better
if it could be done at a reel racetrack like maybe Daytona or
Darlington. Maybe if it gets reely big they could even run it right
before the Pepsi 400 or something. This'll help keep the thing short
enuff for our attention spans (like about 20 minits or less).
But, if ya gotta run the thing rite in the middle of the road you
shouldn't have them boys ride up no hills. It slows things down and
plus it must get kinda hard for 'em to keep peddlin'. If they gotta
go over hills then it's only fare to let 'em outfit their bysickles
with a motor.
#5
Get them girls that kiss the bysicklers some shorter skirts and
pom-poms and put 'em all on a big ol' flat-bed truck rite in front of
the bysicklers.
#6
Recroot sum guys named Elroy, Fred, Bub, Tank, Mac, Chuck, Dale, Jeff,
or even Ralph to ride them bysickles. Yoo gotta have names that
peeple can pernounce. Nobody 'round here knows how to say
"Alessandro". (Yoo can add Fil, Pawl, Bob, and Al to that list of
names too...okay, yer rite, forgit Al).
Well, I got me about 8 or 10 other ways to make this Toor Da Frantz
better but yawl can start with these here. If yoo put these into
ackshun rite away Cooter promises not to run down anymore bysicklers
with his Bronco.
Yoor Pal,
Billy Bubba
Pee Ess-- Gus sez "Thomas Voeckler = Roger Walkowiak" and Cooter
swears that at the end the winner will be wearin' lederhosen. Me, I
say that Sheryl Crow's boyfriend makes it a six-pack