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FOOD AND WHINE
The great divide
Going out with a group is great until it's time to pay up.
We asked experts how to solve that dining dilemma:
Splitting the check
By Monica Eng Tribune staff reporter
April 30, 2004
Once a month, in the bottom left-hand corner of this page,
we get to vent spleen and share tasty tips on a variety of
vexing dining topics. But some issues are so thorny that
they can't be handled in a few paragraphs. One of the
thorniest: splitting the check.
We've all had that awkward moment at the end of a group meal
when the check hits the table with a quiet thud and no one
wants to touch it because they know that a) it's going to
involve math and b) its going to mean making some touchy
decisions for the rest of the group.
Some people insist on always splitting evenly; others like
to calculate who owes what down to the penny. Still others,
like some Venezuelan friends of mine, are horrified at the
idea that anyone would "haggle over money" at the dinner
table. "Someone just quietly takes care of it and if there
is money to be repaid, we can talk about it later outside of
the restaurant," my friend tells me.
Since this issue can be so complex, we decided to ask
etiquette experts, diners and waiters for their views on the
subject. While they didn't agree, most did conclude that
common sense should prevail.
First, we consulted Jeanne Hamilton, creator of
EtiquetteHell.com, a Web site that navigates the world of
good and bad manners. She helped guide us through the many
rings of the check splitting purgatory.
When to split the restaurant check evenly: "If, how and when
the check is split is dependent on the relationships of the
diners to each other or the event being celebrated,"
Hamilton says. "Co-workers treating the secretary to lunch
for Secretary's Day or having a going-away dinner for a
departing colleague should evenly split the bill, making
sure to cover the cost of the honoree's meal."
When the contributions should differ: "I would call this
appealing to others' sense of fairness," Hamilton says. "It
simply isn't fair to have the light eaters subsidizing the
huge appetites of more robust eaters. If you know you enjoy
a 16-ounce prime rib, either deny yourself or restrain
yourself in group dining situations so that the expense of
your culinary extremes is not equally shared by your dining
companions. You can always enjoy that prime rib later with
no guilt feelings.
"Lightweight eaters may discover that confronting a meal pig
has the potential of flopping flat as a crepe. In those
situations, whining repetitively is more damaging to your
reputation than forking over more cash than you anticipated
spending or think is fair given how much you ate. Suck it
up, pay your share and then resolve to never, ever get
yourself into one of these dining wealth redistribution
schemes again."
When to have separate checks: "When it is mutually agreed
upon by all diners," Hamilton says. "Sometimes separate
checks makes life so darn easy for everyone." But we should
note that this doesn't make it easier for waiters--
especially when your party is larger than four people.
When to just pay the whole thing yourself: "Anytime you
issue an invitation for someone to dine with you, they will
have an expectation that you are treating," she says.
"[Also,] when you know that disagreement over the bill may
cause embarrassment to others. Sometimes it's just kind to
shell out some extra money for the preservation of
relationships. When professional courtesy dictates it . . .
such as a salesman trying to land an account who takes a
prospective client to lunch. [Or when] you want to bless a
friend who you know will someday reciprocate in kind for
you, too."
How many times to insist on paying yourself when someone
else volunteers to pay: Hamilton says: "Once. If they
decline the offer, express appreciation for the meal and
their very kind offer to treat you to dinner. And be sure
to write a thank-you note and mail it immediately upon
coming home."
Hamilton's expert advice covers a lot of ground, but readers
also wrote in with their two cents.
Ken Catalanotte of Chicago belongs to a dining club, but he
says they have never confronted the issue, and he thinks
it's time they did: "Most of us have one entree, a drink or
two, [but] some have much more. To be honest, I don't think
it's fair to split the cost [evenly]. If you have way more
than everybody else, then you need to put in more money or
have a separate tab. .
. . Maybe that makes me impolite, but I'm being honest."
Karen Kennedy of La Grange was a server in the Chicago area
for more than a decade but is now just an avid diner. She
has a different view: "When out with large parties, we split
the bill evenly among all of us because when it comes down
to it, the variances are typically so small (usually under
$5 per person). Even when considering those who imbibe and
those who partake of desserts, or not, it's ridiculous to
expend the energy to split things on a more precise basis."
Joyce Oakal of Elmhurst notes that it makes it easier to
collectively pay a fellow diner who charges the whole thing
rather than ask for separate change from the server: "We go
out with friends on a regular basis. One person takes the
check at the end of the meal and divides it evenly either
per couple or per person. Usually that person charges the
whole tab and we all pay him. ... It's too petty to worry
about whether someone had an extra drink or dessert."
Peter Tyksins of Chicago, who regularly sups with a half-
Japanese and half-American group of diners, writes of
navigating potential cultural landmines and solving the
tricky tip issue with clear rules and one "hard guy or gal":
"It's always fun (!) when the bill comes. As you probably
know, the Japanese are in the habit of dividing the bill
equally based on the number of diners and regardless of who
ate what. The Americans detest this practice. After a rocky
start (and coming up short on a couple of bills), we've
adopted the American method of paying for what you've ordered--
and adding a 20 percent tip. One must step gingerly when
another orders a $15 entree, drinks the table's beer, and
then kicks in a deficient $20. But I think it's important
that somebody play the hard guy or gal and remind everybody
to kick in extra for the tip."
So it seems that the bottom line is that you have to read
the group. If you are dining with your siblings, you can
feel freer to ask your martini- and lobster-loving brother
to cough up a few extra bucks at the end of the meal. But
when you are out with colleagues, it is often better to be
polite and discreet and sometimes eat the extra charge. In
any case, clear rules, a sense of fairness and at least one
person at the table with a good grasp of division and
percentages can really help things. And don't forget to tip
your waitress!
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Copyright © 2004, Chicago Tribune
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