August 20, 2006
L’Equipe reported today that Superman has tested positive for an unworldly level of testosterone. Both his A and B urine samples were confirmed positive at the French S.H.I.T. (Super Hero Integrity in Testing) facility. Normal male elite doping athletes typically have a testosterone level of 7, while Superman’s level was 1400.
[censored] Pound, president of Wah Wah, has been a long-time critic of Superman. "Look, a skinny guy with glasses goes into a phone booth and comes out Superman. You tell me."
"The American authorities have been ignoring this for years," he continues. "Just because he does a little law enforcement work on the side, I guess that makes everything alright."
Lois Lane, Superman’s girlfriend, responded to the charges by saying, "Look, without going into details, I know his testosterone level is off the charts. But he would never take anything illegal. In fact, I’ve never even seen him eat or drink."
It is believed that Superman is now gathered with his advisors at his Fortress of Solitude to prepare a written statement. Jimmy Olson, a confidant, would only say this: "Listen, there could be a dozen reasons why Superman has an elevated testosterone level. Maybe it’s because he’s from another planet. Or because of the altitude he flies at. All I know is how hard he trains to be great. He doesn’t need any help."
It is expected that Superman will lose his "Man of Steel" title, which will be awarded to Arnold Schwarzenegger.