Reposted from alt.food.barbecue:
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Some unexpected answers to those nagging health question
from Dr. Buford Teapotts, MD.
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong
life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's
it... Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out
eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live
longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your
car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and
vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow
eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a
steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of
delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat
chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green
leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of
your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and
vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything
in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and
vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal,
and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so
that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a
burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your
ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is
two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a
regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one. Sorry. My philosophy is:
No Pain = Good. Or better yet.....No Pain = No Pain.
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in
vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could
getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft
around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets
bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a
bigger stomach!
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO... Cocoa beans... another
vegetable!!! It's the best 'feel-good' food around!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you
may have had about food and diets. Glad I could help you
out!