In the opening, the threshold to the pantry mysteriously has been filled by
a curtain of beads on a string one used to see in the 60's and at Wendy's.
The cameraman walks through the curtain to get an unobstructed view of her
as she stands there on mark for a couple seconds, then starts leans towards
the shelf as if she were grabbing stuff and starts to tell us that there's a
GREAT carnival in town and how she and her three nieces ate THE most
delicious food there (I am betting some of it was BBQ potato chips), so she
ran straight home to her pantry and, in the spirit of the "Take In Take Out"
ep, recreated them. At this point I wonder what possessed her to wear those
jeans and a pink tube top with a pink gauzy shirt in public. I also
am wondering why one would bother to make carnie food at home as well.
Anyhow, she prattles off the "menu" for this week: her funnel cakes (which
rival anything you can get at a carnival), candie apples (adding that her
girls don't like nuts -- HEE!), corn dogs, wilted churros, and frozen
bananas. Hmm, I sense a phallic theme going on here...
We return from the opening credits with Sandra staggering into the kitchen
loaded up like Rachel Ray with both arms full of ingredients. She sets a tin
of candy on the shelf behind her, mentioning that when the girls come over
they're going to think it's a carnival in her house all over again. Only if
they're retarded six year olds, Snadra. SLop starts off with funnel cakes by
taking three cups of any baking mix, mentioning that since it worked so well
for those cinnamon rolls that the recipe would make great funnel cakes. She
then adds two eggs and a secret ingredient: vanilla coffee-mate (from a
labeless bottle). She adds that it adds a lot of extra flavour you can't get
from other products and make its delicious. Hmm, I don't remember her using
coffeemate for those cinnamon rolls... Anyhow, she adds half a cup of
ordinary milk and tells us that old ketchup bottles are a clever tool for
putting the cake into the oil. SLop admonishes us to cook no more than three
at a time, in order to keep the oil hot. SLop then places the mixing bowl
under an orange KA mixer whose name has been mysteriously blurred out. I'm
guessing either someone's endorsement check bounced or something threatened
to sue SLop for besmirching their fine reputation. After running the mixer
for a couple seconds, SLop announces that the batter is ready but she's
going to use what's already in her plastic ketchup bottle and that the oil
is at 375 degrees and shows us a trick for making funnel cakes: drizzle the
batter around in a circle first, then immediately make back and forth
motions over it. I am astounded that SLop is still wearing that
inappropriate long-sleeved gauzy shirt while working with hot oil. She then
takes a slotted spoon and recommends that we "toss" some of the oil onto the
top of the funnel cake. She then tells us we should use a deeper pot or pan
than the one she is using so you don't get splashed by the hot oil. Moron.
With the slotted spoon, she retrieves the funnel cake and sets it onto a
paper towel to drain. She then tells us about a trick she uses to help it
drain: she puts another paper towel on top and pats it down, squashing it
flat. She puts the finished cake onto a gingham-covered platter and sneaks a
bite, declaring it "Gorrrrgous!", totally trying to hide the fact that she
just gave herself third degree burns to her mouth, throat and stomach. She
sprinkles them with powdered sugar and then starts to work on her candied
apples. She begins by spraying her measuring cup with PAM so the corn syrup
does stick and you get it all out because this recipe is so precise that if
you're a gram off the whole thing is going to explode or something. She then
pours about one and half cups of corn syrup from a bottle that just happened
to have the right amount, making farting noises as she squeezes out every
last drop. I am so incredulous about this being just a mere coincidence, by
the way. SLop then empties the syrup into a pan and adds a tub of strawberry
glaze from the refrigeration section of the grocery store, next to the
dressings, adding it's almost like pie filling, but without the fruit.
That's because it IS, you dolt! Of course, this begs the question of why one
would use strawberry glaze on apples, but this is SLop so I've long since
stopped caring. As we head to commercial, SLop abandons what I assume to be
a simmering pan of glaze to rummage through her pantry for some apples,
followed by some glamor shots of her corn dogs with a cheesy little Ferris
wheel running in the background and -- oh my, I've never seen corn dogs with
glans before!
We return from commercial with some more glamor shots of those corn dogs
which now appear to have been circumcised. SLop enters stage right with a
plate o' granny smith apples which confuses me because the ones in the
glamor shot were red. Hmm, I can see a plate of those circumcised corn dogs
on the counter in front her... Anyhow, she blathers about how even though
she normally doesn't use one, it is important to use a candy thermometer
because we all remember how precise this recipe has to be. Anyway, she tells
us the syrup has to be 180 190 maybe even 200, which she claims to be more
specific than she usually does. What ever. She impales a couple apples on
skewers and then adds to the corn syrup a package of cherry gelatin and a
cup of hot water (if it's not hot it will not work). Why these extra
ingredient, she does not say. She tells us to let it simmer and cuts to an
extreme close up of what appears to be a roiling blood clot. She then tells
us that the gelatin acts as a thickening agent and makes the syrup stick to
the apple, as if syrup isn't sticky already. She then sets the candy
thermometer in the pan (I am sure it's just sitting on the pan bottom) and
reminds us that for this precise recipe the syrup mixture has to be about
180 190 maybe even 200 degrees and adds "and this temperature goes up
PREEEEETTY quickly!" She gives the pan one last stir and shows us its
consistency, avoiding to pull up the big black mass in the syrup. She grabs
one of the apples, warning us to be REALLY careful because this is like
cotton candy and will burn you, so you don't want kids cooking this but it
is a great recipe for making authentic candy apples easily, dips it into the
mix, lets the excess drip off, but has trouble shaking off an amorphic blob
on the bottom of the apple. She then plunges the apple into ice water so the
candy sets up on the apple. I thought that's why she added the gelatin. She
then puts it right into her nuts, adding you can buy them pre-chopped at the
store. Gee, thanks for the news flash, Sandie. She makes another one but
doesn't dip it in nuts because her nieces doesn't like that. The camera
suddenly cuts away just as a large clump of clotted syrup falls from the
apple. SLop then starts to clear off her work space for her corn dogs,
because she needs all the room she can get, followed by a lingering view of
some uncircumcised corn dogs stuck into what appears to be a flowerpot full
of popcorn. She takes a corn bread muffin mix and adds a packet of spaghetti
sauce seasoning and one egg and some milk and stirs it up. As she stirs, she
claims she's a big fan of corn dogs and has been making them for her
siblings since she was a little girl and they all loved them and so do her
nieces and nephews and I am convinced she is going to blow up or get struck
by lightning for telling so many tall-tales. In a large shallow baking dish
she mixes flour and another packet of spaghetti sauce mix. She gingerly
grabs a wiener, inserts a skewer into it, and sticks it into the flour and
gently strokes it, coating it in flour with one hand. Damn, she's quite good
at doing that. As she gives another floury hand job to another wiener, she
explains that this works with any kind of hot dog you wish: large ones or
small ones. Hmm. Her meat rubbing completed, she dips the dogs into the
batter and uses a spatula to coat them, spinning them a "littttttle bit" to
evenly distribute the batter before dunking them into the oil. For the life
of me, I don't know why the batter is in such an awkward bowl, but that's
just me. SLop warns us to let it set up for a bit before you turn the hot
dog in the oil so the hot dog will cook just as fast as the outside. Huh?
SLop then takes her uncircumcised corn dog, pats it on a paper towel to sop
up the extra grease, warning us that it's important to get the hot dog to
160 degrees so that it's safely cooked. Moron. Before we bop out to
commercial break, SLop takes the fresh-from-the-hot-oil corn dog, applies a
generous wad of mustard around the tip, and deep throats the hot dog, using
her left hand to guide the wiener into her mouth and rolling her eyes in
orgasmic bliss before running stage left to have someone look at the 3rd
degree burns in her mouth and throat. As we bop out to commercial, we get a
lingering glamour shot of the phallic corn dogs in the popcorn-filled
flowerpots, followed by a row of limp churros. I can only thank gawd that
she doesn't eat hers with mayo...
We return from commercial break to the familiar glamor shot of limp churros.
SLop claims her three pretend nieces are coming over so she's going to treat
them to her version of semi-homemade churros. What did they do to deserve
that, Sandie? She takes about two cups of baking mix and adds an egg, milk,
sugar, and butter she melted in the microwave, then mixes it with a whisk.
She tells us she already has some hot vegetable oil in a pan and does the
ol' batter-in-a-plastic-bag-with-the-corner-snipped-off trick, extruding the
batter into the oil, noting that you make them long or short. With a slotted
spoon, she attempts to turn them over in the pan, but they are far too limp
to cooperate. After about 20 seconds per side, she declares them done and
fishes out the limp brown dough and puts them onto some paper towels to
drain, adding that Stephanie likes big ones. Gee, thanks for that TMI
moment. SLop then mixes some cinnamon sugar, recommending pumpkin pie spice
if you wanted, then "douses" the churros by sprinkling them with the
cinnamon sugar. As she "douses" the churros, she babbles about going to the
fair with her fake niece, Danielle. As I could not make heads or tails of
her tale, her it is in her exact words:
She took me to a carnival last year - and can I just tell
you something? She took me on this ride, that spun us
around... turned us upside down... the thing didn't move
at all... it literally just spun around. I thought we were
going upside down, because of the way the walls went up and
down in this thing - spinning around - up and down - I thought
we were literally vertical. I was against the wall. All I
could say was, "Danielle, I love you!" -- and, she was just
laughing... "I know, we're having fun!" I'm like, "No, I
think we're going to die! I love you!" But, you know, it's
always good. I remember doing that as a kid too.
Please feel free to submit your interpretation.
SLop then threatens to show us a "GREAT recipe for bananas that we are going
to LOVE" while deep throating a limp churro, with one hand at the base and
her other near the tip and we cut to bunches of erect churros in coffee cups
in front of some sort of toy Ferris wheel. Jebus!
Hmm, how come Food Network never shills anything from SLop in their
commercials? Jus' askin'...
We return from commercial to a not-such-a glamor shot of bananas covered
with gawd knows what. As if right on cue from the "Sandra's Tips" pop-up,
SLop leans in and tell us that frozen bananas are a FANtastic semi-homemade
quick tip. She adds that if you put some nuts on them, they are also good
for you! SLop demonstrates by gently peeling a banana that is cradled in her
hand, chopping it in half and inserting a lollipop stick right up the center
of each and putting it in the freezer. As she excitedly tells us about them
getting nice and hard and frozen, she pulls out two plates that MV prepared
earlier and hip checks the door. One plate for some reason already has been
coated with chocolate and dipped in crushed nuts so she takes the other in
dunks it into a double boiler of chocolate that is conveniently sitting on
the stove on a cold burner. As she rolls the banana in a pie plate of almond
dust, she tells us that this is a good healthy way to get your five almonds
a day, then dunks one in butterscotch and rolls it in sprinkles for her
imaginary niece, Miss Stephanie, who no doubt stole them from another
vendor's stall for her ice cream. Gee, I guess MS isn't old enough to eat
healthy yet. Don't kids prefer chocolate anyway? She hints that these make
great alternatives to other frozen treats and exits stage left to put them
on her tablescape.
"This is a fabulous in-home carnival and you can do this any time of year
you like, summer or winter!" Oh my gawd! You would have to see this to fully
absorb this, but her table-scape is so cluttered you cannot see the top of
the table, not to mention sit at it to eat. Oh, look! It's that expensive
popcorn machine she bought for one episode some time ago! She declares her
CarnivalScape perfect for displaying this menu, whatever that means, and
shows us a coffee can she wrapped up in cloth to display the frozen bananas,
bananas pointing upward, and then she relates how one of her faux friends
gave her a treasure chest o' fruit and all she cared about was how she was
going to use that chest as a table decoration some day (obviously she threw
the fruit away). I don't know about you, but I certainly wouldn't set out
what she just made to defrost or get cold, but maybe I'm weird that way.
For a tablecloth, she used a striped plastic awning cloth from the hardware
store because it's water proof. She took some tiny terra cotta pots and
wrapped them in cloth and stuffed them with lollipops and napkins. Another
FANTASTIC idea of hers was to make an arrangement of Chinese yo-yo
centerpiece. She tries to use one but has difficulty, so she quickly puts it
back half-extended. Lastly, she shows us some little clown hats she set on
the table and pimps her web site
--
WARNING!!!
Use of these recipes may be hazardous to your health, food budget,
standing in your community and liver function. Use at your own risk!! We
assume no liability from any illness or injury sustained while eating the
"food" or being exposed to crapass tablescapes. And no, we're not sure
where she grew up either. The Cordon Bleu disavows any knowlege of Miss
Lee.