First, some disclosure: The following story is 100% fake, and not
only
that, is pretty much lifted straight from the onion. So check out now
if that
is a problem....
Returning Armstrong calls Plano 'A Hellhole'
Plano, TX - During a visit to his childhood hometown of Plano, Texas,
six times
Tour de France champion Lance Armstrong launched into an unexpected
40-minute
tirade, calling it "the armpit of Texas" and "a total hellhole."
"I left Plano many years ago, but as soon as I stepped foot back, I
was
reminded of the same feeling I had before: 'Oh, God, get me the hell
out of
this dump'," said Armstrong, who alternately referred to the Cities
88,000
residents as "animals" and "ghouls." "From one end to the other, the
people and
places of Plano stand in direct opposition to everything that helped
me
succeed."
Armstrong went on to tell the assembled crowd that he "couldn't care
less" if
he ever rides the famous French race again, so long as he "never (has)
to set foot in this steaming dungheap again."
Raising his voice and pointing at the crowd, Armstrong continued:
"During the
past six years, I have been honored to be referred to as a symbol of
courage
and conviction. But, holy [censored], you people of Plano are craven,
gutless
cowards. I haven't the slightest clue what tiny thing we might have in
common,
if at all. I do not even vaguely know what drives you subhuman
pig-men, but I
sure as hell don't want to know."
Armstrong concluded his day on the steps of the City Hall, where he
lowered the
City flag, shredded it with a large hunting knife, and urinated on the
shreds.
He then delivered a speech in which he shared the tales of various
city
residents he had encountered during his time as a resident.
"I can remember meeting Martin Shaughnessy on a school field trip,
who, at the
ripe old age of 88, has been the Plano historical societies president
and caretaker for the past 30 years" Armstrong said. "And, between
you and me, that
old crank will talk for 10 hours straight if you let him and not say
anything
that makes any sense whatsoever. The dude is senile, big-time."
Turning to sneer derisively at members of the Plano High School
Marching Band,
whose 225 members stood nearby, Armstrong wrapped up the verbal
assault.
"Every minute I spend in this dark and evil City is sheer agony,' he
said. 'A
second feels like a week in the presence of you monstrous non-people.
I never
wanted to return to this city ever again, but I wanted every last one
of you
grubby, ass-faced animals to realize where you stand on the food
chain. You exist outside the human community, I will make sure that
the whole nation-
indeed, the world-understands that fact with no ambiguity. I hope a
thousand
tornados come and destroy this horrible graveyard of the soul. To hell
with all
of you, and good riddance."