A friend sent me this.
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Dear Diary,
For my fiftieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
am still in great shape since playing on my college football
team 30 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it
a
try.
Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my
enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to
chart my progress.
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me.
She
was something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and
a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed
me the machines. She took my pulse after 5
minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast,
but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics
outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which she conducted her
aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring, Belinda was
encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my
gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but
I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I
feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it.
I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as
I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club
parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered other club members.
Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she
scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest
hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair
monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
activity rendered obsolete by elevators?
Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said
some other [censored] too.
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin,
cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl.
I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie
my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not
looking, I ran and hid in the men's room..
She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY:
I hate that [censored] Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world.
Stupid, skinny, anaemic little cheerleader. If there were a part of my
body I could move without unbearable pain,
I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps.
I don't have any triceps. And
if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@
barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill
flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why
couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the
choir director?
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today.
Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner.
However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up
catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
my wife (the [censored]), will choose a gift for
me that is fun like a root canal or a vasectomy.