(Politically-Correct Version)
Little
(well maybe not quite so little)
Red Riding Hood
There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived on
the
edge of a large forest full of Endangered Owls and Rare Plants that would
probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time to study
them.
Red Riding Hood lived with a Nurture-Giver whom she sometimes referred
to as
"mother", although she didn't mean to imply by this term that she would
have
thought less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact
exist.
Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of non-traditional
households, although she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed.
One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit
and
mineral water to her grandmother's house.
"But mother, won't this be stealing work from the unionized people who
have
struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages between
various
people in the woods?"
Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had called the union boss
and
gotten a special Compassionate-Mission Exemption-Form.
"But mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?"
Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was impossible for womyn to
oppress each other, since all womyn were equally oppressed until all
womyn
were free.
"But mother, then shouldn't you have my brother carry the basket, since
he's
an Oppressor, and should learn what it's like to be oppressed?"
And Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her brother was attending a
special rally for Animal Rights, and besides, this wasn't stereotypical
womyn's work, but an Empowering Deed that would help engender a feeling
of
Community.
"But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she's sick and hence
unable to independently further her own Selfhood?"
But Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grand mother wasn't
actually
sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way, although that
was
not to imply that any of these conditions were inferior to what some
people
called "healthy".
Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of
delivering
the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off.
Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous
place,
but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based on
Cultural
Paradigms instilled by a Patriarchal Society that regarded the Natural
World
as an exploitable resource, and hence believed that natural predators
were
in fact intolerable competitors.
Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, but Red
Riding Hood felt that in A Truly Classless Society all marginalized
peoples
would be able to "come out" of the woods and be accepted as valid
lifestyle
Role-Models.
On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, and
wandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers. She was
startled to
find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her what was in her
basket.
Red Riding Hood's teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers, but
she
was confident in taking control of her own budding sexuality, and chose
to
dialogue with the Wolf.
She replied, "I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a
gesture
of Solidarity."
The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to
walk
through these woods alone."
Red Riding Hood said, "I find your Sexist Remark offensive in the
extreme,
but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast
from
society, the stress of which has caused you to develop an alternative and
yet entirely valid worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I would prefer
to be
on my way."
Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards her
Grandmother's house. But because his status outside society had freed him
from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew
of a
quicker route to Grandma's house.
He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of Action Affirmative
of
his nature as a predator. Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist
Gender-Role notions, he put on Grandma's nightclothes, crawled under the
bedsheets, and awaited developments.
Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma, I have brought
you
some Cruelty-Free snacks to salute you in your role of wise and nurturing
Matriarch."
The Wolf said softly "Come closer, child, so that I might see you."
Red Riding Hood said, "Goddess! Grandma, what big eyes you have!"
"You forget that I am optically challenged."
"And Grandma, what an enorm.., what a fine nose you have."
"Naturally, I could have had it 'fixed' to help my acting career, but I
didn
t give in to such societal pressures, my child."
"And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!"
The Wolf could not take any more of these specist slurs, and, in a
reaction
appropriate for his accustomed milieu, leaped out of bed, grabbed Little
Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she could see her poor
Grandmother cowering in his belly.
"Aren't you forgetting something?" Red Riding Hood bravely shouted. "You
must request my permission before proceeding to a new level of
intimacy!"
The Wolf was so startled by this inane statement that he loosened his
grasp
on her. At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage,
brandishing an ax.
"Hands off!" cried the woodchopper.
"And just what do you think you're doing?" cried Little Red Riding Hood.
"If
I let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my
own
abilities, which would lead to poor self esteem and lower achievement
scores
on college entrance exams."
"Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species! This
is an
NOW sting!" screamed the wood-chopper, and when Little Red Riding Hood
nonetheless made a sudden motion, she sliced off her head...!
"Thank goodness you got here in time," said the Wolf. "The brat and her
grandmother lured me in here. I thought I was a goner."
~ The End ~
--
Om.
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-[censored]." -Jack Nicholson