This piece appeared on his newsgroup many years ago. It is still funny!
Enjoy,
George
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A recent Cincinnati Enquirer headline read:
"Smell of baked bread may be a health hazard."
The article went on to describe the dangers of the smell of baking
bread. The main danger, apparently, is that the organic components
of this aroma may break down ozone (I'm not making this stuff up).
I was horrified.
When are we going to do something about bread-induced global warming?
Sure, we attack tobacco companies, but when is the government going to
go after Big Bread?
Well, my cousin has done a little research, and what he has discovered
should make anyone think twice....
1: More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread eaters.
2: Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming
households score below average on standardized tests.
3: In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the
home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant
mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in
childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever and
influenza ravaged whole nations.
4: More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24
hours of eating bread.
5: Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven
that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a
mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one
month!
6: Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low
occurrence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease and
osteoporosis.
7: Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread
and given only water to eat begged for bread after only two days.
8: Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder"
items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter and even cold cuts.
9: Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more
than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to
your body being taken over by this absorptive food product,
turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
10: Newborn babies can choke on bread.
11: Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit!
That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
12: 99% of all traffic deaths are "bread related."
13. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish
between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical
babbling.
In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following
bread restrictions:
1: No sale of bread to minors.
2: No advertising of bread within 1000 feet of a school.
3: A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal
ills we might associate with bread.
4: No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal
to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
5: A $4.2 zillion fine on the three biggest bread manufacturers.
6. No one under 21 should be allowed to drive within two hours of
visiting bread selling outlets.
7. Since eating bread is a privilege, not a right, people should be
licensed to eat bread and if they apply for a license, they agree
to a blood ozone test if suspected of driving with an open lunch
box.
8. Since the Constitution does not mention bread, it can safely be
assumed that it affords no rights to bread-eaters, therefore these
limitations do not need to be enacted and may be enforced by any
public official who feels in need of a larger budget.
Please send this e-mail on to everyone
you know who cares about this crucial issue.