As an infant Ken had already given up on life and, later, as a child, when
they asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up, he always replied
(since he had no desire to be anything at all when he grew up, let alone
grow up or even BE) that he wanted to invent the Playboy Channel of
Schadenfreude.
The Playboy Channel of Schadenfreude would be a channel that, when you turn
it on, you'd always see sexual desire pushed to its absolute extreme and
then smashed to a whimpering mass by absolute denial.
Attractive men and women of all ages and types would be shown crying
screaming tearing themselves apart over sexual desire maximally aroused and
then cruelly rejected just moments ago.
The unsophisticated would refer to it as the Blueball Express Channel.
Ken's detractors of course would say, so what's the big deal, it's just more
lame reality TV.
But that wouldn't stop Ken, no not Ken.
Ken would go on to invent the Fox News Network of Schadenfreude which would
just be all the Fox News anchors and commentators and staff sitting around,
on camera, crying and moaning cause the Rapture happened today, and Christ
didn't take THEM!
Then he'd create the NFL of Schadenfreude, where every play's a dropped
pass, fumble, interception, fumbled interception, failed field goal from the
5, with 3 or 4 career-ending injuries per play on each side, and nobody ever
scores and overtime goes on forever, till eventually the players' wives and
children have to come in and take over for their deceased and injured
spouses and parents, as do the wives and children of the fans.
Then he'd have Julia Childs do a Weekend at Bernie's kinda thing and call it
the Cooking Channel of Schadenfreude, where of course not only would all the
food taste like [censored] and come out burned to a crisp, but all the eaters
would admit it and get sick on screen, so it's endless eating of charred
ugly vile-tasting food and then vomiting it up in exotic restaurants around
the world, where it's almost worth it to be eating and puking up
[censored]-tasting food because the surroundings are so exotic and beautiful and
the climate is so perfect -- until, that is, the tsunami hits just before
dessert.
Then there'd be the History Channel of Schadenfreude, where people would
just tell the truth about what happened in the past as well as today.
After that, he'd retire to the planned city he'd build on an island or in
Florida -- called Schadenfreude City -- where, all day and night,
animatronic people would move around the streets and malls, battered,
destroyed, constantly complaining, drunken, broken, impoverished,
dismembered, former celebs, fallen stars, in constant pain and rain and
snow, while the human (non-animatronic) residents of Schadenfreude City, as
well as the many non-animatronic tourists, walk around smiling and happy and
carefree and filled with feelings of loving and giving -- and for reasons,
they admit, even THEY don't fully understand.
"And if I couldn't do that," he'd tell the people who'd asked him what he
wanted to be when he grew up, "then I'll probably be something that ends
with the suffix '-pathic' and starts with the prefix 'psycho-' or 'socio-'
or 'homeo-'.
"And is followed by the word 'healer'."
---------------------------------------------------------