I need a bike I can't destroy.
Or more accurately, I bike that I only need to put a reasonable amount of maintenance into... about once a month, for an hour, if I ride it a few times a week through the Canadian winter. That's about what I have to put into a car, and more than I have to put into my computer to keep them in working order, so while I know a high performance racing bike is a finicky creature of delicate temperment, I want nothing to do with them. I want a bike that I can ride, not a bike I have to mollycoddle.
I don't care about weight, comfort, or gearing, or anything else really beyond ease of maintenance. 3 speed bike? Great. Weighs 50 pounds? Awesome. As long as I don't have to spend endless hours repairing the tires, dicking with misaligned wheels, endlessly lubing the chain and adjusting the gear shift in the vain hope that maybe I can finally get it to change gears properly, etc etc etc.
Any suggestions? I've got a budget of up to $1000, which I would think is sufficient, given an ultralite carbon-fibre frame with high performance racing bearings (or whatever makes those bikes so damned expensive) is a liability, not an asset.