Following the shocking revelation that heat generated by vigorous
exercise is a major contributor to global warming we are all having to
reassess our own activities. It comes as a major surprise to many of us
that storing energy in human fat is actually a valuable way of reducing
our impact on the environment. Government may be introducing plans to
extract this fat by large scale liposuction programmes and storing it
underground but we all have a responsibility to reduce our
participation in ecologically hazardous physical activity.
Looking at my own lifestyle, it was easy to identify my cycling habit
as a major problem. I'm only too aware of the amount of heat that
cycling can generate but cutting down was not going to be easy so six
months ago I turned for help to my friend Jeremy. He has not cycled
since he was a child and is a respectable three stone heavier than me.
He now runs a consultancy helping people like me to face up to and
overcome our environmental deficit.
I explained to Jeremy that I had been trying to reduce my cycling
mileage:
"I've been trying to keep it down to 10 miles a day but it just
keeps creeping up - sometimes I'm doing 20 or 30 a day. And the
weekends are the worst; when the sun is shining I just can't resist
heading for the hills."
Jeremy explained that there were different approaches to the problem:
"Some people can gradually cut down their cycling but that doesn't
work for everyone. People like you probably need to just decide to stop
cycling entirely one day. I'd suggest you just get rid of your bikes
and buy a car."
"Buy a car? But that's such an unreliable way to travel around
town. You never know when you are going to arrive because of congestion
and problems with parking. I mean, I have work to do and people who
rely on me being on time for my appointments."
"You have to explain to people why you are making this choice.
You'll probably find that they are very understanding."
"And what about longer journeys? I use my folding bike to get to the
train station and then I can work on the train - it's incredibly
convenient. In a car, you just have to sit there and you can't do
anything else."
"Well, I admit that it can be difficult combining car travel with
other activities but you'd be surprised how much you can do with a
little practice. Talking on the phone, texting, smoking, eating,
drinking - it's all possible."
"But what about the cost? I mean cars cost thousands of pounds and
that's just to buy one. Then there are all the running costs and
insurance and tax and the hassle if they break down and so on. And, on
top of that, if I stop taking exercise and put on weight, I'll
probably be shortening my life as well. So you're offering me the
opportunity to have less money and die sooner. It's not very
appealing."
Jeremy looked pained.
"Look, no one said it was going to be easy. There are some sacrifices
we all have to make if we are going to overcome the problems facing the
planet. After all, it won't be any good living longer if climate
change means the country has become either a desert or been flooded by
the sea."
I nodded, feeling suitably guilty.
"OK, I take the point. But you've got to give me something here.
What about the fun factor? I get a big kick out of cycling, both going
up the hills and coming down them - especially when I'm off road on
my mountain bike. How can I get that kind of sensation in a car? I mean
it's just like sitting down in an armchair. I'm afraid that I'll
get so bored that I won't want to carry on."
Jeremy smiled.
"I can definitely help you there! You just have to drive as fast as
possible and the speed will compensate for being inside the box. It
really can be great fun."
"That sounds good. But, and forgive me if I sound like a wimp,
isn't it also terribly dangerous? I hear that thousands of people are
killed and injured every year because of people speeding on the roads.
And you can get into trouble for speeding as well, surely?"
This time Jeremy laughed.
"Ah, now we're getting to the point - to succeed you need a
fundamental change in your attitude. I expect that like many other
people you think that becoming a motorist is just a matter of passing
your test and getting a car."
"It's not?"
"No, to be a true motorist you have to believe in motorism."
"Motorism? What on earth is that?"
"Motorism is a belief system with two main principles. The first is
that, as a motorist, you have a right to drive whatever you like and
wherever you like. Don't fall into the all too common trap of
thinking that the vulnerability of cyclists, animals, pedestrians and
whoever should affect how and where you drive."
"Oh right. Well I can see how easy it would be to fall into that
particular trap. And what's the second principle?"
"The second principle is that road rage is good. Yes, you'll hear
people talking about road rage as if it was a bad thing but this of
course is nonsense. There are so many obstacles facing motorists -
traffic laws, traffic wardens, traffic jams and, of course, traffic -
that they need anger and aggression to overcome them. After all if you
thought about the real stress and cost of motoring you'd probably
just give up and take the bus and then where would we be?"
"Phew. I have to admit there's no answer to that."
So how am I getting on six months later? Even though I do try to drive
everywhere and not ride my bike I still don't think I can call myself
a real motorist. But at least I do know that I am poorer, fatter, and
angrier then ever before.