You're so dead set against MTBs going offroad, so how about I get on one of those spark throwing, noisy, stinky, four-wheeled, 500-odd pound motorcycles with the fat mud tires and bang around the woods on that instead. Well, goooooolly! This here moto-cycle is way more fun than a quiet, lightweight lil' bicycle! Vroooooooomm!! Lookit the dirt fly!
Pick you enemies carefully, fred. MTBers are by far the lesser evil.
