[censored] RBR Member Detonates!!!
Corona Del Mar, California (22-March-2004) - According to
research just completed at the I HAVE ALL THE FACTS ON LANCE
ARMSTRONG FOUNDATION AND NOW I CAN SAY STUPID STUFF
INSTITUE, "Life is just the attempt to find ever more
complex and circuitous ways to shoot off brain chemicals
which could just as easily have been shot off by the touch
of a single button on an overhead control panel."
When asked for details of the research, Doctor Chris
Reynolds, head of the team that worked for 5 years non-stop
on this project, without even taking a break to so much as
read a newspaper in that time, said, "Blah, blah, blah."
"But I'm still already bored [censored] by the future," he
continued, "Which is not what I think the Foundling Fathers
of this nation had in mind for us. Now was it?"
Chris Reynolds claimed that, with his research work
complete, he'd soon be going back into the studio with his
group, Baywatch on a Train, to record "some song where all
we need to do is fill in the rest of the words for lines
that end with 'tools,' 'stools,' 'fools,' and 'rules.'"
Dr. Chris Reynolds is the author of the classic surreal rock
hit single "Zero O'Clock Rock."
He was also co-founder of the Center for Adsorptive
Phenomena, where he sold videos of domestic animal
incest and reptilian oral copulation, over the Internet,
on the side.
"In ten years," he said, "We will all be living a Web life-
style -- and people will become accustomed to having robot
drill instructors like Jack Webb, show up at their front
doors and ask for just their faxes, Ma'am, and if they don't
turn them over, they'll be forced to watch endless hours of
goopy, sanctimonious Promise Keeper meetings where everybody
gets all weepy and swears that 'this time we really really
promise that this time we're really definitely absolutely
definitely gonna stop beating our wives and raping our kids
and generally being big dumb [censored].'"
The Doctor went on to reminisce about his days in high
school, when, apparently, they didn't all have access to
disgruntled former-Soviet-Union nuclear suitcase bombs over
the Internet and, instead of conspiring to detonate a
simultaneous string of high schools around the country at
11:11 am Monday morning, it was enough to surreptitiously
roll a single penny 100 feet across the floor of a packed
and previously stone-quiet cafeteria study hall.
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